


Neighbors

by mightyfinebear



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: F/M, reethan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-10-08 16:45:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 52,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10391295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightyfinebear/pseuds/mightyfinebear
Summary: Our story begins after match day when a conflicted Sarah Reese is matched with Pathology at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center but the news brings her nothing but sadness, a sadness at not treating patients anymore and at not working side by side with one of her biggest cheerleaders; Dr. Ethan Choi.





	1. Mismatched

“This is what you wanted right?” Joey said with a perplexed smile.

Sarah nodded her head, but it didn’t match her feelings.

“Yeah,” she said with a forced enthusiasm.

 _“I just need to get used to the idea and it will finally reconcile with what I want_ ,” Sarah thought as Joey pulled her into a hug.

She was hoping to absorb some of his positivity through the gesture; after all he had more excitement over the match than she did. However she understood why; they would get to work side by side and fully indulge in the geeky exploratory world that Joey loved and Sarah thought she loved too. She still had to finish a couple of weeks in the ED before making the switch to pathology and even though everyone was congratulatory over her match there was one person she was afraid to share the news with; Dr. Ethan Choi.

 Ethan was a hard read for her at first. He was like a stone wall with everyone but he seemed to have a soft spot for Reese. He was always supportive of her and he was extremely abetting even when she started catching errors made by doctors well over her head in years and experience. When she seemed like she had some interest in working in the ED Ethan was there to lend some encouraging words. He gave her a courageousness to really explore trauma and the treatment of live patients. Ethan actually believed there might be a chance she would match with the ED and they could continue to work alongside each other, she his Robin-like sidekick in training and he her Batman, her brooding dark but ultimately caring companion. Alas that was not meant to be.

 Sarah was sitting in the doctor’s lounge twirling around in a chair, she looked almost child-like. The youthful action was not lost on Ethan as he walked in.

“So?” he started, “It’s match day, what did you get?” he had a grin on his face his hopes held high.

Sarah stopped in the chair her curls hanging over the back of the seat pulling up and over as she stopped her swinging to sit up and face Ethan. Her smile was sheepish and her eyes were apologetic.

“I matched with pathology,” she said with the same forced smile she gave Joey at the news.

 Ethan continued to smile but the joy had left his eyes and the hard wall that everyone was used to seeing in his eyes surfaced.

 Ethan nodded, “That’s what you wanted or at least that's what  _Joey_ did right?”

 Ethan didn’t want his pettiness to show, he didn’t want her to think he was jealous. When Ethan’s stone-soldier melted away in these moments he usually picked them to tease Sarah and even flirt with her a bit, and oh did he enjoy flirting with her from time to time;  usually out of nowhere. He liked ruffling her feathers a bit, leaving her on her toes. Sarah smirked, catching the petty tone that he was trying to contain and failing at.

 “Yes, Joey _and_ I are very happy about my match,” Sarah said with a faux confidence.

 “Hmmm…so happy you are in the lounge instead of walking around the lab downstairs; checking out your new digs?” Ethan shot back with the same smirk on his face.

 That superior feeling he got from messing with Reese was back. He knew that this match was wrong and that Sarah had evolved past the point of hiding in the lab with the other geeks. Her face fell a bit at his words and Ethan felt a little bad at rubbing it in.

 “Well, we’ll miss you around here Sarah-I mean _Dr._ Reese,” Ethan teased with a large grin.

 The joy in his eyes returned. Sarah stood up to hug him as he moved towards her. The embrace was different than a Joey-hug. Hugging Ethan was like wrapping one’s arms around concrete. His body was rock hard and being pressed against it always made Sarah blush. She hated that and Ethan knew it. It would be one of the last times he could ruffle the little bird’s feathers so he took full advantage of it. Sarah took a step back trying to gain her composure and not let him tease her further. She failed; her cheeks were a bright pink and Ethan chuckled as he walked out of the lounge. Sarah still had a couple weeks before she had to report to pathology and she would enjoy getting to work with the people that had become a family to her; Ethan especially.

 Joey was waiting outside the door when she came out after her shift had ended. He had a surprise planned for the evening. It consisted of a nice dinner with some money that he had stowed away and a documentary he’d DVR’d and saved for this night; it was on the life-cycle of a new virus that was discovered in Siberia the year prior.

 “You haven’t tried your vegetables,” Joey said observing Sarah pushing them around her plate.

 They were sitting in a four star restaurant that Joey made reservations for to either celebrate or console Sarah depending on her match results, although he couldn’t really get a handle on her mood.

Her mind was a tangled mess of obsession over her match; her future career. It had been what she thought she wanted but she couldn’t explain it. Every cell, fiber, and liquid in her body wanted nothing to do with pathology.

 “Reese-“Joey said showing his frustration.

 “I’m sorry, it’s good! I think I’ve just been a little overwhelmed today,” Sarah confessed.

 She still couldn’t tell him that she didn’t want to go down the road to pathology. They wrapped up her food to go and then walked to Joey’s place. His apartment was sparse; very minimalistic. His “artwork” if it could be considered that, was blown up framed photos of microscopic pathogens, viruses, and bacteria. The dyes used to illuminate them popped off of his white walls screaming out his passion for the discipline. He put the food in his fridge and turned the television on.

 “Do we have time?” Sarah said looking at her watch. “I only ask because the last bus to my place stops running in an hour.”

 Joey gave her a bashful look as he stuck his hands in his pockets the last part of the evening he’d planned hadn’t been shared with her yet but the subject was being pressed so he opened up.

 “I thought maybe you could stay the night,” he said.

 Sarah’s eyes widened and she blushed. He smiled and moved towards her before saying.

 “If-you want of course, I mean, we agreed to take things slowly, you’ve had a lot on your plate but with the end of your mandated training in the ED and being matched I thought this would be a non-issue,” he said sheepishly.

 “-Um,” Sarah started.

 “-We could just sleep too, there’s no pressure it’s just an idea,” Joey said feeling some of the apprehension of his proposal falling away.

 “Yeah… of course, you’re right… no pressure, let’s watch the movie.” Sarah said.

 They started the documentary and Joey was enthralled completely caught inside the web of new information and technical jargon of the new specimen. Sarah was too distracted to pay attention and it made her feel guilty.She wanted to be as excited as he was but her mind was soaking in the disappointment bath about her match and how wrong it felt and then her thoughts would switch to Joey and his surprise “let’s have sex tonight” plans.

“ _Maybe I should do it_ ,” Sarah thought, _“I care about Joey and it would be nice to feel like I was connecting to him again.”_

She decided in that moment that she would. The documentary ended and Joey walked to his bedroom to give Sarah some pajamas.

“That was so amazing,” Joey started still in awe over the discovery,  “I wonder if anyone has made a hypothesis about whether or not this virus had anything to do with the extinction of the dinosaurs I mean it’s so huge-.“

He stopped abruptly mid-sentence because when he turned around she was completely undressed save for a pair of cotton panties and a matching bra. Her pinned-up hair was down now, her golden brown curls hanging over her shoulders covering her breasts. Joey was frozen in place staring at her.

“I’ve had a total of two sexual partners, I was last tested two years ago and I am on my fifth year of a ten year non-hormonal birth control,” Sarah said stepping towards him, “You?”

 Joey slowly placed the clothes on the top of his dresser.

 “-Uh, wow, you’re- wow, um two for me as well and I was tested a few months ago after we started dating just in case we ever ended up…well here.” Joey said with a smile as Sarah closed the gap between them.

 He bent down to kiss her and he finally opened his mouth allowing their tongues to cross the chaste line that they had metaphorically drawn months prior by sticking to abstinence. He ran both hands up her back feeling her smooth skin until he hit the back of her bra. He unhooked the loops and slid his arms over her shoulders taking her bra off with the movement. She stepped back and out of the kiss to take off his shirt.

 “Wow,” he said again staring at a half-naked Sarah.

 She smiled and walked over to his bed. She sat back onto the bed sliding completely on it. He walked over unbuttoning his pants and then pulling them off. He sat his thin frame next to her. She moved her hands through the curls in his hair landing at the back of his neck. Sarah pulled him closer to kiss her. Joey’s tongue in her mouth should have been an indicator that things may not go her way. His kisses felt like he was holding back but he wasn’t; he just had a small tongue. Sarah had her hands on the side of his face; she felt like a voracious hunter trying to get into his mouth, his tongue, to engage more with hers.

If kissing was not living up to the hype then the next action brought about more discouragement. They fell against his bed as his body acted as a wall next to hers his hand slipping into her panties; yet another letdown that was furthered by the actions of his fingers inside of her. It was like he had never heard of the word clitoris. She let out what sounded like a moan inside of his mouth but it was more of a reaction to the uncomfortable rough fingering he was exacting. He stopped the action; believing she was turned on and pulled her underwear down and off and for the first time Sarah wasn’t nervous or even excited; she was full of dread.

 _“I have made a mistake,”_ she thought.

She could feel the heat of his breath on her neck and the spotty sounds coming to her ear to let her know he was nervous. Sarah felt guilty for not enjoying any of it. She could tell he was nervous as he pressed himself into her. He was attempting to keep just how good she felt to himself but Sarah could hear it in his erratic breath. His kisses had turned almost mechanical as it was clear that he could not actually coordinate himself to kiss and thrust at the same time. The challenge made the experience even more awkward.

Going through the critique in her head made Sarah feel almost like her mother, tearing down someone at their most vulnerable, as they tried to connect during the most intimate sexual act possible. But she couldn’t connect let alone get _there._ Literally two minutes passed and she could hear Joey’s breath grow ragged in her ear as it was apparent that he was ejaculating.

Sarah’s hopes at not feeling disappointed ironically led to more disappointment but she didn’t want to hurt Joey’s feelings. His glasses were off allowing an unobstructed view of his blue eyes as they met the darkness of Sarah’s. She tried her best to play off how letdown she felt over their first time.

“Are you okay?” Joey asked sympathetically.

He looked happy, satisfied even.

“Um- I feel good,” Sarah lied.

Even with his glasses off he could tell something was off with her tone.

“Sarah, please, tell me the truth,” Joey implored.

“Well I mean it’s always a little rough around the edges so to speak the first time…right?” Sarah said delicately trying to tiptoe around his feelings.

 Joey slumped a bit and fell to his back next to Sarah.

 “Oh.” He said finally matching the disappointment she felt.

 The quiet filled the room battling the awkward tension between the two. Finally Sarah looked over but to her surprise he was asleep. She laid there a bit longer before finally getting up. She grabbed the pajamas he set out for her off of the dresser. She went to the fridge and found her vegetarian meal and heated it up. She sat there at his table with her plate of vegetables staring at a protozoa three-D art installation on a bookshelf in his kitchen. She wanted to go home, but she was broke and the last bus to her place left hours ago. She was stuck here with a shamed boyfriend and a head full of disappointment, conflict, and confusion. She needed a distraction until she could fall asleep.

Sarah got up and found her phone inside of her purse and opened her Words With Friends app. Immediately she looked for the names of the two people she played with. They were the only formidable opponents, mostly because she was sure they were in the field of medicine. One went by the user name WheelernDealer and the other was SawBoat312. They played against her in some of the longest games she’d ever encountered and because it was the internet she would sometimes message them. Usually it was something simple like “good game” or “wow nice use of the microbiology dictionary” always a comment on their vocabulary and the obvious connection to medicine they had. Deep down Sarah had hoped that the two lived in Chicago but she didn’t have enough courage to ask and not come off like a desperate weirdo. She didn’t really have any friends because she had let studying medicine and her internship consume her life. Joey was it but after what just happened she wished she had someone to talk to about it.

 SawBoat312 was always up late and she could count on him or her to play against her in a match. The messaging system pinged.

**“You up for a match ReesusMonkey?”**

It was SawBoat312. Sarah smiled confidently and shoved a roasted piece of broccoli in her mouth before sending a message back.

 **“For a bit, I need a distraction,”** she responded.

 **“Rough day?”** replied SawBoat312.

 **“Yeah.”** Sara answered succinctly before typing in her first word.

 She played the game fitting in bites of veggies between words and quick messages. When Sarah looked at the clock on the wall it was 2:45 am and she knew she needed to get some sleep.

 **“That’s all I got tonight, later.”** She wrote on the messaging system.

 She quietly walked down the hall and crawled into bed next to Joey. In the morning she looked over and he was up. His clock read 10:45 am. Sarah got up and found him in the living room. He was re-watching the documentary they viewed last night.

 “Good Morning,” Sarah said lacing it with an optimism she didn’t really have.

 She had hoped that his mood was better after the disaster that was their first time. Joey picked up his remote and rewound the scene but then paused it.

 “Sorry-I mean good morning, I just want to see this again, I feel like I missed a lot last night,” he answered apologetically at Sarah.

 His tone wanted to convey that sentiment but he still seemed a bit cold after she had appeared less than thrilled at his performance. Sarah scoffed. It was early and she could catch a bus now, so that’s what she was going to do. She wanted a shower in her own place anyway. She headed back down his hall and took off his lender pajamas and got into her own clothes. When she emerged from his bedroom he was still sitting on his couch completely glued to the screen. He finally noticed her in the corner of his eye putting her jacket on.

 “Are you leaving?” he said with a surprise.

 “Yeah I need to shower and I have to do the final walk-through of my new apartment before receiving the keys.” Sarah said with a hastiness that wasn’t really there.

 She had almost four hours before she had to be at her new place but she wanted to leave.

 “Oh okay, do you mind if I just finish this and not go?” Joey asked.

 They were both avoiding each other but hiding behind fake responsibilities and fanboy crap to be really honest.

“Yeah, enjoy the show,” Sarah said almost curtly.

 She opened the door and let it slam behind her. The sound made her flinch but it reflected how she felt. She went down the stairs to the bus stop and waited. She put her headphones in her ears and lost herself in her favorite band on the way to the bus.

 When Sarah got to her apartment she navigated her way through sealed boxes and miscellaneous items still accumulating through her final days at her soon to be old place. Her new apartment was supposed to represent a new chapter in her life as Dr. Sarah Reese; Pathologist. The realization was marked by her internal conflict and the overwhelming feeling made her actually feel dizzy. She walked into her bare bedroom and curled up on the bed. Moments later she passed out sleeping heavily until her phone pinged. It was her new landlord confirming their appointment. Sarah got up quickly still feeling dazed and shaky from her rude awakening.

She texted him back while wiping the drool and sticky curls from the side of her face. She swiftly got in the shower, threw on some jeans and a t-shirt; pinning her wet curls up in a high bun before catching another bus to the new apartment.

They walked through the spacious new place. There was one exposed brick wall perpendicular to the open concept kitchen. It was decked out with high grade stainless steel appliances and beautiful blue-grey glass subway tile. The same tile ornated the walk in shower allowing light to bounce off the bathroom. The place was empty but Sarah could see where she’d put everything, how she wanted to arrange her new haven, an unintentional present from her mother. Sarah’s mom missed her graduation and sent three months’ rent to cover her absence and Sarah used the money to get the new apartment. She smiled and shook the landlord’s hand as he passed her the keys. She hung out for a moment before walking down the stairs but just then she heard someone say her name.

“Dr. Sarah Reese.”

Sarah turned around at the familiar voice.

“Dr. Choi?” she couldn’t help but smile.

She rarely saw him in street clothes but he filled them out well especially the sleeves that clung to his shapely rock hard arms.

“What are you doing here?” he asked inquisitively with a flirtatious smile.

“I’m just doing a final walk-through of my new place.” She said smiling.

 It was hard not to smile at him Sarah was trying to contain the burning feeling she could tell wanted to present on her cheeks. She crossed her arms and leaned back into her hip before sassing him saying,

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m coming home.” He smirked his hard walled eyes sliding up.

“Home?” Sarah said allowing her mouth to drop a bit at the revelation.

Ethan nodded and smiled. He loved this, making her uncomfortable with flirting with her out of nowhere. He thought Reese was cute but just cute. There was an immaturity and youthfulness that he did not find as appealing and it helped him keep his flirting in check. But he still lived for moments like this. Her innocence on full display.

“See you around…neighbor,” Ethan said smirking and walking past her to the entrance.

“Gulp.” Sarah said as the door closed behind him to their now shared building.

 


	2. Two Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot can happen in two weeks which is the exact amount of time Sarah has left in the ED.

Two weeks. That was all the time that Sarah had to get her mind wrapped around the idea of pathology and to say goodbye to the ED, to everyone; to Ethan. Although finding out that they were living in the same building had changed her hidden forlorn over not seeing him on a regular basis. Sarah’s disposition was more than tousled at the realization that they had become neighbors. It was yet another complication that threw her off her already off kilter world from its shaky axis and she didn’t like it. Why was she lying? Secretly she loved it but she kind of felt bad for loving it especially in light of the situation between her and Joey.

Unfortunately she didn’t have a lot of time to address her relationship issues because making sure her move went smoothly was a top priority and working was the next. Unlike most recent graduates Sarah actually had some pretty nice furnishings. A few of her things were on the cheaper end but over the years her mother’s absence from holidays, birthdays, graduations, and cancelled vacations had manifested into cash gifts and large ones at that. Sarah used the money to purchase well-made bookshelves, intriguing artwork from up and coming artists, as well a beautiful antique rod iron bed, and a sturdy sectional that felt like baker’s dough when she sat on it. Her less expensive pieces were a dining table she found in an alley her first week in the city and she paired it with a collection of mismatched chairs that she’d painted a glossy red to contrast the white table. They were meager belongings in the grand scheme of things but they were hers and they represented the life she made in Chicago.

Sarah tapped her foot impatiently; the movers were twenty minutes late showing up to her apartment and she had to be at work in a couple of hours. The anal-retentive micro-manager in her wanted to watch how they handled her things but at this rate she would have to trust the strangers to move her possessions alone. Finally the knock came and Sarah answered it.

“Quality Movers for a-Samara Reese?” the man said as he was reading illegible writing.

“It’s Sarah and you’re late,” Sarah said with an insistence that once again reminded her of her mother’s tone.

The man nodded and apologized. The men worked quickly with Sarah close by keeping a watchful eye until the last large piece was carefully lifted into the truck. She had to ride over to the new place with them because she didn’t have a car, there wasn’t enough time for public transportation, and she was not handing her keys to a bunch of strange men. When they got there the men continued to work quickly until Sarah had only thirty minutes to get ready and catch the bus for work. She was running out of her apartment her wet curls bouncing as she hustled down the stairs taking them two and some three at a time. She did not want to wait on the elevator. When she came down she saw the bus go past.

“Dang it,” she whispered in defeat.

The next one would arrive in fifteen minutes but that would only leave her a few minutes to get into work.

“You look like you need a ride?”

Sarah closed her eyes hoping that if she could focus then maybe her face wouldn’t turn red but she could feel the heat rising through her neck and cheeks. When she turned around there he was but he wasn’t alone.

“Yes, that would be very helpful.” Sarah said unable to meet Ethan’s gaze or that of his stunning partner.

“Sarah have I ever introduced you to my girlfriend Vicky?” Ethan asked with that superior smirk.

He was watching Sarah avoid his eyes and it was an unneeded ego boost. Sarah shook her head no and looked over to the statuesque woman rivaling Ethan’s height. She was beautiful her unblemished taupe skin was what the color of what warmth would look like on a person. Her soft but high cheekbones darted towards her voluptuous lips that rose to a closed mouth smile. It was nice because it allowed her almond shaped honey-brown eyes to ease their intense stare at Sarah.

“Actually it’s _Dr._ Vicky Glass,” she said with a smile.

“Sarah is actually a doctor now too,” Ethan said almost proudly while he turned to Vicky; his hand on her waist.

“I’ll see you tonight then?” Vicky asked as she leaned in to kiss him.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile to match hers.

Sarah immediately looked away. She wondered what that was like to have what they had, she could see their connection it wasn’t mechanical it was adult and laced with an understated passion that oozed in the simplest phrases to one another. Sarah couldn’t help but feel envious of it in light of her troubles with Joey. She twisted her finger awkwardly around a tendril chewing on the inside of her lip. Finally they broke out of their embrace and Vicky began walking the opposite direction before turning back to say,

“It was nice meeting you Dr. Sarah-“she said tilting her head to let Sarah fill in the blank.

“Reese,” Sarah said with a smile.

Vicky nodded and Sarah waved watching the beauty walk away. “ _Wow,”_ Sarah thought to herself.

“I’m ready for that ride now if you are?” Ethan said knowing full well the loaded meaning behind it.

He couldn’t help himself there would only be so many times left that he could tease her like this and he was going to take full advantage. Sarah rolled her eyes, her cheeks blazing red, but then she looked down realizing Ethan had handed her a helmet.

“Uh-“Sarah started.

Ethan grabbed her hand and they walked over to a smoke black Gixxer 600 she had no idea he owned. There was another helmet locked on the side of bike. Immediately Sarah felt scared.

“Maybe I should wait for the bus,” she said hesitantly.

Ethan rolled his eyes, “You’ll be late if you wait, don’t worry I’ll be gentle.” He said with another smile as he fitted the helmet on her head.

He situated his own helmet and clipped his bag to the side of the motorcycle. He got on and turned his head to see her get on the back of the bike. Sarah felt even more trepidation at wrapping her arms around him but the rev of the engine quickly dissipated those feelings as she gripped the solidity that was his waist and held on for dear life.

The ride was actually a lot smoother and less scary than she anticipated. There was a freedom that a car ride didn’t have and it wasn’t just the obvious exposure to the elements, although she couldn’t deny the swirling of wind through her fingers. The air passing from Ethan to her as it caressed her naked neck or the deep breaths she would take invoking him in. He smelled of iris, leather, and amber and it was as intoxicating as the vibrations of the engine rumbling and tingling throughout her body. There was no useless small talk to take up the space or an awkward silence to mourn if conversation couldn’t flow easily it was just a freedom to quite simply; just be.

The silence also let Sarah meditate on her career path and her need to figure out what was next but before she could get too lost in her rumination the bike had stopped and they’d arrived at Gaffney.

“Not so bad huh?” Ethan said with less flirtation than earlier.

He was getting into ED doctor mode now and the steel soldier was taking over; almost like a possession. Sarah shrugged and smiled handing him the helmet.

“Yeah…not so bad, thanks for the ride,” she said shakily.

It duplicated the shaky feeling she had in her legs an obvious side effect from the vibrations of the bike ride or at least that’s what she thought. They got in and put their things away in the small lockers the doctor’s had in their lounge.

Upon walking out Maggie immediately assigned Ethan to “Baghdad” and Will yelled over for Sarah to help assist him with a patient.

She nodded and walked over.

“I need you to do a quick reflexive physical exam on Mr. Turner here,” Will said.

“Will!” Maggie yelled, “Your wife is still holding on line one.”

“Be right there,” he yelled back.

“I got it, tell April I said hello,” Sarah said to Will’s back.

She turned to the instrument table and grabbed a mallet ready to test the reflex of the patient’s knee. Sarah stopped midway and lost complete train of thought as a fuzziness rose through her toes and legs then up; engulfing her mind.

“Uh, miss are you alright?” Mr. Turner asked concerned.

“Yeah,” Sarah said with a confused conviction.

She took a deep breath in and blew out transitioning the motion into a reassuring smile toward Mr. Turner. She bent down to give his knee a tap when not unlike a light switch her vision was black and the murmurs of  voices and swift feet around her were the last things she heard before coming to.

“Sarah…Sarah.”

The light flashing between each eye kept her from making out who exactly was behind it; the voice wasn’t familiar.

“Dr. Wheeler that light is more of a hindrance than a help, seeing as she woke up on her own.”

That voice was familiar; it was Will chastising Dr. Wheeler on his treatment. She heard a sigh come from him as he moved away from her. The tracers from the light went from blue-red to green-yellow to white to nothing. Sarah put her hands on her forehead and took another deep breath.

“Your panel came back clear but I’d like to run some more labs and a few tests just to rule out-“ Will started before Sarah cut him off.

“Don’t I know what it is,” Sarah said in a groggy voice.

Will titled his head, “Oh yeah, what’s going on Sarah?”

“Vasovagal syncopy,” Sarah whispered.

Will handed her some juice.

“Here, your blood sugar was a little low, I’m no shrink but you’re going to have to find the cause of it otherwise it’s going to keep happening.” Will said before walking out of the room.

“The cause of what?”

Sarah looked up from her juice can and there was Joey standing in the doorway looking concerned. They hadn’t talked since their awkward evening together and this wasn’t exactly how she had wanted to broach the subject.

“I don’t know,” Sarah lied.

She could see it in his eyes the realization that she was holding back, telling a lie, and not being honest about her feelings or in this case her condition. Joey moved closer into the room and sat at the edge of her bed.

“Reese,” Joey said placing his hand on her top of her foot. “You’re not being truthful.”

Sarah looked down at the can of juice as if the answers were in there before looking up at Joey.

“It’s pathology, I don’t want to go into it and I don’t know what to do about it.”

The receptive look in Joey’s eyes dimmed as he allowed her news to climb through his face and into his eyes. Sarah blew out a frustrated breath realizing that he was disappointed.

“What are you going to do?” he asked breaking up the silence his tone still marking his disappointment.

“I don’t know Joey, aren’t you listening to me?” Sarah snapped. “It’s a legal binding contract and not exactly an enjoyable career path for me.”

The disgust in her voice was layered with the unspoken of their night spent together and it made Joey’s face go tight and then frustrated. He nodded and got up.

“Fine, you are obviously upset and confused, I’ll just let you rest.” He said walking to the door.

Sarah felt horrible again she didn’t want to hurt him; she was confused but also annoyed and upset at his reaction. She sat back and pouted with her arms crossed before Dr. Wheeler walked into the room.

“Sorry about the light, Dr. Halstead said if you feel okay you can go back to work,” he said extending his hand out to help Sarah up.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sarah said reassuringly.

They both walked out of the ED room when she heard a medical cart fall to the ground. The clash of metallic supplies splaying across the floor brought her eye to a collapsed young man who was the cause of the commotion. Sarah and Dr. Wheeler rushed over to help. They rolled him to his back as Dr. Wheeler pulled out his light to look in his eyes.

“Sir, can you tell me your name?” Sarah asked as his eyes slowly opened.

“Danny…my name is Danny.”


	3. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are made in the ED and in life all the time, but today Sarah doesn’t get to make any of them.

 His eyes cleared and they were identical to his tone as the introduction pulled Danny back to reality; a reality with people, who were touching him. Danny flinched and then wailed; his arms flailing as panic radiated through them ultimately connecting to the two physicians trying to help him. Wheeler grabbed his arms and they made eye contact as Danny yelled.

“Don’t touch me!”

Sarah immediately snatched her arms away and put her hands up next to her face.

“No one is touching you; _we_ are _not_ going to touch you alright.”

Sarah’s eyes swiftly darted to Wheeler so he would remove his grasp from Danny. It was bold. Wheeler was a first year resident and Sarah was technically still a med student. For her to be taking the lead was unheard of and disrespectful to the hierarchy, but Wheeler complied as Danny focused on Sarah’s voice.

“Danny, can you tell us why you are in the emergency room today?” Sarah asked.

“Not us…you,” he answered trembling.

Sarah looked to Maggie who was staring at her, as was everyone in the ED.

“Bed five Reese,” Maggie said.

“Can we go to bed five and talk? Maybe do an examination Danny?” Sarah asked still concerned but keeping eye contact.

Danny gave a stiff nod as Sarah slowly brought her hands down and then flipped them out to him; a gesture to offer her assistance in lifting him up. He continued to comply with her as she walked him to the exam room shutting the curtain over the glass. Sarah couldn't help but the notice the track marks on Danny’s arms. He was twitching and sweating and it was apparent that he was a user. Sarah moved slowly to approach the side of the bed Danny was starting to get comfortable in.

“Can I check your lymph-nodes? The exam will require me touching you,” Sarah said.

The soft-sympathy in her eyes was enough to keep the trust going so Danny nodded again. She started at his neck and then under his armpits, when she slid her two fingers down on either side of his torso she hit a tiny bump before locating the lymph-nodes. She stopped what she was doing and put a calm smile on her face. She walked over to the supply cart and grabbed a mobile scanner and slid it under Danny to get a image. She turned her back to him to look at the scan. Inside his lower back was the tiniest square that measured similar in size to a SIM card. Danny allowed Sarah to take some blood and a urine sample before returning moments later with the results.

“Danny from your tests results it looks like you have cystitis, which is just another way of saying a bladder infection and you also tested positive for… chlamydia.”

The worry in his eyes turned to shame and Sarah’s face softened again as she sat next to the bed.

“I’ve asked Dr. Wheeler to prescribe you some antibiotics to treat the STI and the bladder infection, but I was actually curious about this,” Sarah said pointing her finger to the unknown tiny object in his scan.

Danny looked scared, but the longer he concentrated on the almost remorseful space that Sarah’s eyes invited the more he relaxed.

“They…they put it there,” Danny answered looking down and ashamed.

“They?” Sarah implored.

Danny opened his mouth to elaborate but just then Dr. Wheeler popped his head into the examination room.

“Danny’s mother is here to pick him up,” Dr. Wheeler said with a comforting smile.

Immediately Danny tensed up. Sarah looked back at him and he shook his head.

“Danny, dear we have been looking everywhere for you,” the woman said in a syrupy-rehearsed voice.

“Dr. Wheeler should have some paperwork for you to sign before we can discharge him.” Sarah said almost curtly at the woman.

Her tone caused the woman to pause and she relayed a look to Danny that was the exact opposite of the sugary tone she had moments prior. Dr. Wheeler handed the woman the charts and ushered her out to sign the forms and take possession of the medication.

“She isn’t your mother is she?’ Sarah said matter-factly.

Danny shook his head no and Sarah noticed he’d begun to tremble.

“Is she...’they’?” Sarah asked.

Danny nodded and right on cue from Satan the woman appeared again with the syrupy sweet faux tone that did not match her eyes.

“Come on Danny we’re going home,” she said confidently.

The helplessness that flooded Sarah was unlike anything she'd ever felt before which led her to act in a way she never had before. She turned and stepped in front of the bed to face the woman, blocking her view of Danny.

“He’s not going anywhere with you,” Sarah said sharply folding her arms.

The woman’s eyes turned even colder as she narrowed them at Sarah.

“Danny get up right now, we’re leaving,” the woman said pulling her body to the side to make eye contact with him, “As for you, I would keep my nose in my own business before this hospital is slapped with a lawsuit.”

“Dr. Reese, please step aside,” said Dr. Wheeler coming up behind the woman.

He handed her a bag of meds and Danny got up, walking up and out of the exam room as the woman had a firm grip on his arm. At the last second he turned and stared at Sarah. If Sarah had felt a pool of helplessness fill her then the look in Danny’s eyes was one of an ocean of defenselessness. The automatic doors shut and Sarah’s shoulders slumped.

“What was that about?” Wheeler asked walking up to Sarah.

Sarah held up the image of Danny’s back to Wheeler and used her finger to point at the chip.

“What’s that?” he asked confused.

“That looks like some kind of a chip,” Dr. Choi said walking up.

“That’s because it is, why a person would have a tracking chip under their skin like some kind of animal, I have no idea why,” Sarah said her frustration seeping into her tone.

“That would probably be sex traffic,” Dr. Choi started, “Years back I had a few cases where some girls came in with the same strange tattoo on their skin, marking who they belong to, this is the next level,” Ethan stated cooly tapping on the scan.

“She said she was his mother, how was I supposed to know?” Jason whined.

“By asking the patient,” Ethan snapped.

“Which I did, but now I can’t do anything because you just delivered him back to them,” Sarah hissed walking away.

Ethan followed her placing his hand on her shoulder. It was comforting and even in his steel- soldier-doctor-mode the safety of even the lightest embrace calmed her.

“It was a good catch Sarah, there isn’t a lot that can be done in those situations.” He said giving her a light pat before continuing.

“Are you okay? I heard you fainted earlier,” Ethan asked.

He was in a mode Sarah didn’t quite recognize, he wasn’t teasing or flirting with her or being rigidly professional. It took her aback trying to place his mood.

“Yeah I’m fine, I just have some stuff I need to deal with,” she answered.

He nodded and walked back to his patients. Her face fell flat again and the depressing grey cloud that loomed in her future grew even larger at the already sullen day. Sarah let out an exhausted sigh and walked the scan back to the record keeping area of the main desk.

 

As the hours of her shift dwindled to the end she caught the bus home and stalked up the stairs to her apartment. She immediately changed into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. She got a bowl out of a box and made herself some cereal. She was only two bites in when a knock came at the door. Deep down she hoped it was Ethan as a strange fantasy of him coming over and the two of them sharing popcorn and watching a movie played in her head but when she answered the door it was Joey. The guilt waved through her as the disappointment presented itself through her eyes and face. Joey didn’t miss it and she could see the hurt in his face at her reaction.

“Hey, come on in,” Sarah said trying to pick up some enthusiasm.

“We really need to talk Sarah,” Joey stated somberly, “I don’t know what’s going on with you and frankly I’m not sure it matters.”

Sarah looked confused and a little hurt.

“The other night…” he started.

“Yeah…not the best performance,” Sarah said almost embarrassingly.

“Well the performance shouldn’t be that big of a deal, what matters is the connection, the intimacy, I love you and you love me and that’s what should matter.” Joey retorted quickly.

The words would’ve been sage and sweet but they sounded cold and bitter. Sarah heard the tone and tried to back-track.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she said encouragingly.

“But it doesn’t because I don’t think you do love me Sarah, and I think just like this pathology match you are too afraid to admit it,” he said.

“Joey-“ Sarah started.

“-So I’ll do it for you, we’re done Sarah,” he said.

“You’re breaking up with me?” Sarah said astonished.

“Yeah, I can’t be treated this way. I have given you everything I could offer and it’s been met with nothing but derision and frankly I deserve better than that…and obviously you do too since you’re not happy. You have some big decisions to make Sarah but you don’t have to make this one.” Joey said turning around and walking to the door.

 

He was right,because if he wasn’t Sarah would have stopped him but she let him leave. They weren’t right for each other physically, emotionally, or mentally. Sarah had become someone else and it wasn’t the bright eyed medical student with the dreams of pathology that Joey had fallen for. The ED had made her more compassionate but she was also more impatient and wanted quality results in the blink of an eye. Pathology involved taking your time, observing things growing and developing; fascinated by each stage. Not unlike her relationship with Joey, but that wasn’t Sarah anymore. She sat on the couch watching her bowl of cereal congeal into some sort of soggy mess as her appetite was now gone.

 

She picked up her phone and opened her app: Words With Friends. SawBoat312 was greyed out and not on, but WheelernDealer was. She sent him a message.

**“Want to play?”**

**“Sure,” WheelernDealer responded.**

For once their words had little to nothing to do with scientific jargon and were more about their feelings; adverbs and adjectives ruled the board. Even Sarah noticed how oddly connected to her somber day words like: pathetic, helpless, angry, useless, and worthless were all over their game but it wasn’t until WheelernDealer used the word cystitis that Sarah stopped and sent the message.

**“Jason?”**

**“That’s my name…weird.”**

**“It’s me Sarah, Sarah Reese.”**

**“Reesus Monkey…of course, hell of day huh?” he wrote.**

**“Yeah, I’m sorry I snapped at you,” Sarah wrote.**

**“I deserve it. I feel like I’m never going to be a good doctor and that everyone knows it besides me.” Jason whined.**

**“I know the feeling.” Sarah empathized.**

**“Didn’t you just get your match? You don’t have too much to prove yet.” He wrote.**

**“Yeah I did, but I chose wrong.”**

**“Yikes.”**

**“Yeah tell me about it.” Sarah lamented.**

**“I’m not sure it can get much worse than that for a burgeoning doctor,” he said.**

**“Well my boyfriend just broke up with me...” Sarah pouted.**

**“So did mine,” he answered.**

**“We suck.” She said giggling a bit.**

**“LOL I know, well I’m going to find a bottle of bourbon to bitch too.” He responded before going grey.**

**“See you at work.” She wrote,** before closing the app.

 

Sarah put the phone down and began unpacking the dishes in her kitchen. She was placing all of the pots, pans, small utensils, dinner plates, salad plates, and bowls on her table trying to decide how she wanted to arrange her kitchen. She was visualizing the work triangle when a light tap almost like a beat muffled through her otherwise quiet house. Sarah followed the sound to her bedroom and upon entering it she realized that the sound was a woman; moaning. At first Sarah was worried she thought someone was hurt but then she made out the voice screaming out the name “Ethan” and “Oh God” over and over again. Sarah’s face turned bright red as she started to hurry back to the kitchen. As if she needed another reminder of the perfect world of Ethan Choi. Here she was with crappy memories of bad sex with her now ex-boyfriend and Ethan was upstairs giving to Vicky what sounded like the best sex of her life. The feelings of jealousy poured in but so did curiosity.

Sarah slowly turned and walked back into her bedroom hearing the muffled sounds of Vicky and Ethan above her. More than anything Sarah realized she wanted to know what he sounded like, maybe even what he looked like, felt like. The guilt burrowed in again and Sarah snatched her ear buds from her nightstand and plugged them into her iPod and casually went about putting her dishes away. A smirk spread across her face as she realized she finally had something to tease him about.


	4. Time’s A Ticking to Make It Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reese has finally found a friend, but Jason has more problems than she bargained for. Meanwhile her flirtation with Ethan is beginning to heat up.

* * *

Each day in the ED brought Sarah closer to the inevitable day she wouldn’t be there. She treated each patient with the utmost of care; hoping that it would somehow cure the insatiable need she had for wanting to stay. It never did, but her growing friendship with Jason was a helpful transition to the coming days of pathology or nothing. Lately Sarah was toying with the idea of just quitting. She had finished most of the unpacking in her place in between moments of exhaustion. The apartment was starting to feel like home, each night spent there felt less like a visit and more familiar to her and the handful of visits from Jason really solidified the place. Until he came over Thursday night, drunk, claiming to have seen Danny at a gay bar he was at. He went over to talk to him but two men pulled him away and he was for sure it gave Danny a chance to run. Or at least that’s what Sarah thought she heard him say. He wasn’t making much sense but Jason grabbed her and they flew out of her apartment. Wheeler was yelling at the top of his lungs that he knew where Danny was.

“I’m telling yooo Seeruh, heee’s here, I can still make it right,” he slurred.

“Jason you are way too drunk, we can look tomorrow,” Sarah pleaded.

None of her words were penetrating the glassy eyes of Wheeler as he sloppily bobbed back and forth on his feet.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.”

Her words still weren’t registering with him. He leaned forward and heaved chunks of undigested food and bourbon down the front of her coat. Sarah closed her eyes wishing she were anywhere but here. Wheeler slid down against the building as a cabbie pulled up.

“You call a cab?” the man from the car yelled through the rolled down window.

Sarah looked confused but seized the opportunity to get Jason home. She nodded quickly and helped Jason up before telling the driver his address. Sarah went back upstairs reeking of vomit and trying her best to get her shirt and jacket off without her face touching the moisture on it. She walked over to the washer and turned it on throwing her clothes in and dousing them in detergent. The washer made a clunky sound and then a low buzzing hum. None of it sounded healthy. Finally all of the lights blinked red and then shorted out.

“Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me!” Sarah practically yelled.

She jumped in the shower ridding any excess vomit-smells from her skin and curled into bed. Tomorrow had to be better.

* * *

 

Sarah was in the middle of a case when she walked around the corner to order some labs. She looked over and saw Dr. Halstead reprimanding Jason.

“Are you drunk?!” Will hissed at Jason.

He was trying to keep his voice low but Sarah, Maggie, and a few nurses had stopped what they were doing to watch the situation.

“I mean…I had a few last night but I haven’t drank today-“Jason pleaded

“-So you’re _still_ drunk?! Dammit Wheeler, I’d say go lay down with a banana bag but we don’t have the free space because of how slammed we are!” Will was losing his temper.

“Go home and report back here tomorrow and _I_ will make sure that you haven’t done anything to compromise this hospital,” Will said grumbling but calming down.

Jason turned and caught Sarah’s eye as she put a pinky and thumb up to the side of her face to tell him to call her. He shrugged and looked down as he walked out through the automatic doors.

“Does _Joey_ know that you’re calling other men?” Ethan said walking past Sarah to the computer next to her.

His face was serious but his tone was playful. Sarah rolled her eyes.

“ _Joey_ is a non-issue these days,” Sarah answered typing into the computer next to him.

Ethan was still looking at his screen but he lifted his eyebrow, intrigued at Sarah’s confession.

“Man, Wheeler has got to get it together,” Will started as he looked over Ethan’s shoulder, “Was that his only patient?” he asked.

Ethan nodded as Will let out a sigh and grabbed a digital chart to look over the patient’s record and treatment.

“He will,” Sarah murmured.

“You mean like he did last night?” Ethan said still typing.

Sarah stopped what she was doing and turned, “How did you know about that?”

“There are people six feet under that know about last night,” Ethan said turning to Sarah.

His eyes were serious and so was his tone, “Who do you think called the cab?”

Sarah’s cheeks burned but from embarrassment. It wasn’t even her, but Jason was her friend and it reflected poorly on her judgment especially to her neighbors; one who happened to be standing in front of her.

“He was trying to find Danny, he just wanted to help,” Sarah answered apologetically unable to meet Ethan’s gaze.

“Yeah from the splatter on the concrete I can tell how that went,” Ethan said rolling his eyes.

Sarah was beginning to get annoyed at how judgmental Ethan was being. Wheeler didn’t deserve all the disdain. She rolled her eyes and finished her order, practically storming away. Her departure made Ethan stop and look over. He was being too harsh and he didn’t exactly know why. All he could think was _“Sarah could do better.”_

After her shift ended Sarah put on her hat, scarf, and thick sweater. It had been enough in the morning but now that the sun was down the Chicago winds were more brutal than they had been earlier. Sarah ran her hands up and down either sides of her arms trying in vain to warm them up. She was waiting on a car service to take her home when Ethan walked up behind her.

“Where is your coat young lady?” Ethan said with a smile.

He was trying to smooth over his attitude from earlier.

“Unfortunately I was the on the receiving end of the splatter on the concrete. I haven’t unpacked my other jacket, it must be stuffed in the back of my closet,” Sarah answered succinctly still looking forward.

She still wasn’t ready to play nice. Ethan went to take his coat off but Sarah shook her head.

“No, it’s fine. My ride is less than a minute away,” Sarah answered with the same tone but looking over at him.

She could see a little bit of remorse in his eyes but it transitioned to a smirk.

“Okay, well if there is anything I can do let me know,” he said as he began to walk away.

Sarah closed her eyes before rolling them, “Ethan.”

He stopped and turned to her.

“My washer is broken and I need to clean my coat,” she filled her cheeks then blew out the air, “Can I use yours?” she asked.

He grinned and nodded, “Seven o’clock,” he said.

She nodded as he walked away. Her car arrived and she headed home. Sarah got upstairs; showered and listened to NPR over her loud speakers. She cooked some minute rice with peanuts and sautéed green beans for dinner. She cleaned up her dishes and went to her bedroom to dig out one of her coats from the back of the closet. The task made her remember the soiled clothes in her washer and the favor she’d asked. She turned to look at the clock on the bedside table it read 6:45. “ _Ethan wouldn’t care if I was a little early.”_ Sarah thought.

She used her pointer finger and thumb to carefully pull out the garments that were still soaked in detergent from her failed attempt at washing them. She hurled them into her basket with her face turned up. She walked to the elevator and went up to Ethan’s place. She could hear the muffled sound of music. Sarah gave a forceful pound to the door. The music lowered and she could hear his footsteps nearing the door until the knob twisted and there was Ethan; answering the door in a pair of loose hanging black pants and nothing else. The droplets of sweat raced down his face to his chiseled chest meandering through the six pack and meeting the other beads of perspiration congregating toward the beautifully cut V-shaped pelvic muscles leading to the black abyss of his pants, the last mystery hidden underneath. He used one arm to lean into the doorway while catching his breath.

“You’re early,” He smirked.

He was watching her face turn a perky shade of ambrosia. Sarah realized her mouth was partially open, not forming actual words.

“Uh- yeah…I um- sorry,” she finally managed to clumsily get out.

He opened the door a little more to let her in. Their apartments were similar; almost identical as far as the floor plans but his was minimal and masculine. The leather sofa and coffee table had the same black iron legs. The whole place was the typical male aesthetic: glass, leather, and metal. Sarah followed the path to the small laundry room and tossed her clothes in. When she came back into the main area Ethan was in his kitchen grabbing a bottle of water. He turned and put his hand out to offer Sarah the other bottle.

“Thanks, so…what did I interrupt? Sarah asked sheepishly.

Ethan turned and pointed to the punching bag he kept in the corner. A place where Sarah had set up a chaise and a reading nook in her apartment, before he could elaborate Sarah’s phone began ringing. She looked down; it was Jason.

“Hey-“ she answered.

….

“Laundry… where are you?”

“Really…where? ...When?”

…

“Um okay…like 20 minutes…okay, okay, bye,” Sarah said finally wrapping up the conversation.

Ethan was staring at her like a cat watching a canary. She tapped the end button on her phone and placed it in her free hand.

“Jason…he thinks he might know where that kid Danny is at, some place homeless youths hang out.”

Ethan’s face was steel now but softened a little before saying.

“That’s sounds like you’ll be in a rough area,” Ethan started.

Sarah shrugged letting the insecurity flash across her face.

“Can you defend yourself?” he asked pointing toward his punching bag again.

She shrugged again. She knew she couldn’t. She’d never thrown a punch in her life.

“Swing at me,” Ethan said seriously.

Sarah’s eyes widened as she began to shake her head no.

“Come on, I won’t hit you,” Ethan said a little less serious and with a smile.

Sarah walked over to him and swung once, Ethan quickly leaned back as she tried again.

“I’m no good at this!” Sarah huffed.

“You have to be fast and have an element of surprise,” Ethan said with a smile.

“Like…this,” Sarah said turning.

She swung at him again but he was too fast; he ducked. The momentum carried her forward and it spun her around. Ethan caught her; her back against his firm chest. He let out a small laugh but exhaled it into her shoulder. He didn’t let go and Sarah could feel herself sinking into him as he had one arm wrapped around the top of her chest and the other firmly planted on her waist.

“I told you I was no good at this,” Sarah said catching her breath.

“I’m sure with a little practice, you’d be great.” Ethan said his breath close to her ear.

The heat gave her goose-bumps and before she could lose herself completely in his scent of iris and leather as it swirled through her nostrils in a heady intoxication; the rise and fall of his chest against her back, a knock came at the door.

“We’ll have to pick this up another time,” Ethan said still in her ear.

He let her go and walked over to answer the door.

“Hi handsome,” Vicky said.

Immediately Sarah felt guilty. She wasn’t doing anything wrong but it was what she was thinking of doing that was making her feel guilty.

“Oh, Dr. Reese,” Vicky said surprised by Sarah’s presence.

“Dr. Glass,” Sarah said trying to hide the burn in her cheeks.

“Sarah’s washer is broken, she’s doing laundry here,” Ethan said giving Vicky a quick but passionate kiss and taking her coat.

Vicky nodded.

“Actually I have to meet Jason in like ten minutes,” Sarah said looking at her watch, “But it was good seeing you again.”

She sped by both of them and rapidly ran down the stairs to her apartment grabbing the spare coat and heading out to meet Wheeler.

“Hey…where in the heck are we? This neighborhood…it’s kind of sketchy,” Sarah said in a whisper walking up to Jason.

“So I went back to the bar I was at last night because I left my tab open and the bartender showed me a pic of myself but he got Danny in the background,” Jason said enthusiastically.

He pointed to a fuzzy photo of someone that may or may not be Danny.

“Oh, Jason…We can’t know for sure that that’s him.” Sarah said sadly.

“It’s him Sarah,” Jason stated confidently.

 They walked around and looked everywhere, using the picture Wheeler had drunkenly taken of a maybe or maybe not Danny. The entire trip was a bust. They called it quits after a couple of hours. Sarah caught the last bus back to her apartment. She placed her keys on the counter next to her purse and headed to her bedroom.

She took her shirt off and for the briefest of seconds iris and leather assailed her nose. She stared at the shirt and then laid back in her bed. Suddenly the muffled sounds of the upstairs began trickling down, bringing with it, her envy. Sarah grabbed the ear buds from the nightstand and put them in turning up the music she had on pause.

_“We’ll have to pick this up another time.”_

Ethan’s seductive words played in her mind along with the moans from upstairs wrapped in Vivaldi’s “ _Spring.”_ It built a world around the inquisitive feeling of what he really meant by that.

 _“Another time…maybe,”_ Sarah thought.


	5. Lady In Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan has finally realized he's let his flirting step over the line...but to what end? And what about Vicky?

Ethan never had any ambiguity about the way he felt about Sarah. Flirting with her was like teasing one’s little sister. He enjoyed messing with her because she was so buttoned up, chaste, innocent, he never meant any of it, but even he had to admit the little defense lesson he gave her had pushed over his line. He wasn’t playing; he meant that insinuation, he didn’t even know where it came from, but he was quickly backtracking in his mind when Vicky said,

“Was I interrupting something?” she asked, half-joking.

He looked at her almost shocked, “Who- Sarah?” He started as he was pulling his clothes from his dresser, “Sarah’s kid-like,” he stated walking towards her, “I like my women…well womanly,” he finished; pulling Vicky in by the waist to kiss her again. He let go of her and headed to his bathroom.

“I’m going to get in the shower and then we can leave.”

They had made plans for dinner that evening so Vicky had picked a Korean barbeque restaurant. The ride over was somewhat silent. Neither Vicky nor Ethan were particularly talkative people, that was not them, nor the nature of their relationship. However Ethan couldn’t help but wonder if she was still thinking about him and Reese. She seemed preoccupied throughout the meal as he talked about how much he tired of seeing gunshot wound cases; mostly on kids and teens. She was looking at him but her expression was vacant, dazed even.

“And that is how I murdered my first wife and kids and got away with it,” Ethan said dead-panned serious but with humor to his voice.

“Vicky, you’re not listening,” Ethan said with a smile, but he was worried.

“I’m sorry Ethan, what were you saying?” she asked snapping out of it.

“Nothing, what’s going on with you?” Ethan asked.

She looked down, using her fork to play with the half-eaten contents of her plate.

“I have something I’ve needed to tell you for a while but I wasn’t sure how I would,” Vicky started.

Ethan sat up and leaned in towards her to give her his full attention.

“I’ve been deployed to Germany for six weeks and then to Afghanistan after that…for who knows how long,” she confessed.

“When do you leave?” Ethan pressed on.

He had moved his hand across the table to touch hers.

“Sunday,” she answered.

“This Sunday?! Wow, wait how long have you known?” he asked beginning to get frustrated.

“A few weeks,” she admitted as she squeezed his hand, “I just wanted to enjoy this a bit longer.” She said using her free hand to motion back and forth between them.

He nodded as his anger melted away. He understood he probably would’ve handled it the same way.

“Well I guess we both knew this was a possibility when we started this,” he said breaking up the quiet.

“Yeah,” she said agreeing.

“So what do you want to do on your last night in the city?” he asked with a bittersweet smile.

“What we do best,” she said with a mischievous grin.

He smiled back at her mirroring the same devilish grin.

….

The knocking at Sarah’s door could’ve been the police it was so rapid and loud but alas it was just Jason.

“Jason?” Sarah started, wondering where the proverbial fire was.

“I need a favor Sarah,” he stated walking into her home.

He was still in his scrubs from work. He’d had to report in on Saturday to make up for being sent home on Friday.

“What’s up?” she asked confused.

“The Med Ball, it’s this evening and I need you to be my date,” he said hurrying past her to her bedroom.

“Um- a ball….what?” she asked still confused following him into her room.

“It’s a nickname we use for it, it’s actually just a cocktail party with the board members, chiefs of staff, anyone who is anyone at the hospital,” he explained looking through her closet, “Normally only third and fourth year residents go but all residents are invited and we are also allowed to bring someone,” he said still looking through her clothes.

“Okay, so why are you going?” she asked.

“We,” he said plucking a dress and turning to Sarah to hold it up to her.

“After the mess in the ED on Friday I need to make a better impression.”

Sarah looked down at the cranberry colored dress he had against her. The tags were still on it, another gift from her mom, she’d never even tried it on. It was way too sexy for her taste.

“Oh I don’t know about that one…or this ball,” Sarah said hesitatingly.

“No, this is exactly the one Sarah…please.” He begged.

Sarah exhaled a large breath and then nodded her head.

“Yes! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You’re the best!” He said crushing her in a hug.

“Okay, I’ll be back to pick you up in couple of hours, if you could find a lipstick to match that would be great too,” he said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and then running out.

Sarah stood there dumbfounded at how quickly her night of reading books and listening to Chopin had turned into a colleague meet and greet with _that_ dress. She went down to the drugstore and bought a lipstick and a matching liner. She didn’t really own any make-up. This would be it.

…

Ethan wasn’t exactly elated about the cocktail party, it wasn’t his scene, but he needed an offer to stay at Gaffney after his residency was over so this night was a necessary evil. He looked amazing in his suit, all black, with the exception of a white button-up shirt; tailored and cut to every ripple and curve of his god-like body underneath. He shifted the tie to perfection and got into his Jeep to ride over. When he arrived the party was already going, a server offered him a glass of champagne, but he declined it. He was always in control even at a social event. He walked around saying hello to Goodwin and few of the board members. He stayed in conversation with the trauma surgeons for at least ten minutes, telling them stories of his naval service and it’s comparisons to the violence in Chicago. Finally he walked over to see what kind of spread they had to offer but his focus immediately went to the mile long legs and toned back of a beauty in red. Her exquisite back was bare to the small of it. Her hair tightly pinned to showcase it further. He took a deep breath and walked over to stand next to her. She turned her face the opposite direction to look down at the rest of the food.

“Anything good to eat here?” he asked opening up the conversation but looking at the table.

“I’m always prone to these herbed vegetables,” she answered.

Ethan stopped and looked over leaning a bit to take in her face, he was absolutely floored.

“Sarah?” he said astonished.

She smirked, her lipstick popping off her olive skin.

“Ethan,” she answered knowing exactly who had been talking to her the entire time.

“What are you doing here?” he asked still trying to grasp what he was looking at.

She was now the cat watching the canary as he eyed the cranberry-colored plunging V-neck dress. The garment held nothing to the imagination but Sarah’s small frame and bust allowed it to be sexy instead of tawdry.

“I came with Jason…and _Vic-keey_ did she come too?” Sarah asked in a seductive voice she didn’t know she had.

“No,um- she deploys tomorrow, I guess you could say we broke up,” Ethan admitted.

“I liked her,” Sarah started as she moved closer to Ethan using her arm to cross over his body to get to the black and green olives marinating in an herbed-oil, “Although I won’t miss all the noise from you two.” She said still smirking.

Ethan looked confused.

“You definitely sound like you make a girl happy though,” Sarah said grabbing a single olive and popping it in her mouth and bringing the tip of her tongue to lick the excess oil running down her thumb; inevitably sucking on it.

She was holding Ethan’s gaze with her eyes. Ethan was watching her every movement. Normally he would be in the driver’s seat but her confession made him blush. He was dumbfounded and had no idea what to say. Before he could come up with anything Jason walked up behind Sarah placing his hand at the small of her back. Ethan looked away trying to find a place to put his jealousy and embarrassment. He had no idea what to do with these feelings. Jason whispered something to Sarah as she looked over to Ethan.

“Excuse us Dr. Choi,” she said still smirking.

Power. Sarah had never felt anything like that before and it was fun, even if it was just for the night. Ethan was still watching them when a familiar voice came up behind him.

“Hmm not so kid-like tonight is she?”

It was Vicky, he turned smiling but surprised.

“Vicky? I thought you had to finish packing and get ready for your flight?” Ethan asked.

He was being thrown off left and right by the women in his life.

“Well I know it’s been a few weeks since the original invite but, I thought you’d invited me,” she said smiling as he gave her a kiss on the cheek. “They pushed my flight till late Sunday evening instead of the morning so I had some time.”

Ethan smiled at her, she looked beautiful in her simple black cocktail dress, her hair pulled back tightly, but his eyes quickly darted to Sarah, he couldn’t help it.

“She looks amazing Ethan,” Vicky said watching where his eyes went.

“She does,” Ethan admitted, trying his best to stay neutral.

They watched as Sarah and Jason left the party. Sarah turned making eye-contact with Ethan one last time as she saw Vicky next to him.

“You know Ethan, you are now a free man,” Vicky laughed as she sipped her champagne.

“I told you, she’s just a kid,” he said waving his hand.

“I don’t know any kids that dress like that,” she said, “Listen Ethan, be happy, okay. Give up a little control; shoot your shot so to say.”

He scrunched his face a bit at his ex-girlfriend encouraging his relationship with Sarah. She gave him a pat on the back, set down her champagne, and walked out of the party too. Ethan made his rounds saying goodbye and then got in his jeep ready to go home.

When he got in he took his suit off and threw his socks in the hamper in his laundry room. In that moment he noticed Sarah’s clothes sitting cleaned, dried, and folded atop his dryer. She hadn’t returned to pick them up after their little defense lesson. Ethan thought of Vicky’s words as he put on some jeans and a t- shirt. He decided to take them to her house, maybe see where things could head from there.

….

“I think that went well,” Sarah said to Jason as they were walking down the stairs.

“What? Me and everyone else? Or you and Dr. Choi?” he said looking over at her.

“What?” she said playing coy.

“Oh come on Sarah, I thought he was going to clear that entire food table and bang you in front of the entire staff,” Jason teased as they loaded into their cab.

Sarah laughed; she knew the effect she had on Ethan tonight and it was nice for her to be in control for once, even if it was temporary. The revelation that Vicky was no longer a factor made Sarah wonder what could happen next.

“No, I mean you and everyone else, you did very well tonight.”

“I was so stressed out…ugh I need a drink,” he admitted.

The cab stopped at her place and Jason requested a stop at a bar a few miles away.

“No don’t go to the bar, come over. We can watch a movie, play a game, but don’t go drink Jason.” Sarah pleaded as she pulled at his arm like a child.

“Yeah, you’re right that sounds like the smarter idea.”

Jason gave the cab driver some money as they arrived at her apartment. Sarah grabbed down a couple of soda waters and began opening her Netflix queue for Jason to find an option. He was loosening his tie, rubbing his shoulder and cracking his neck.

“I have an extra t-shirt that would fit you if you want to get a little more comfortable?” Sarah offered.

“Oh thank god! The penguin suit is really not my thing, but I had to go to tonight, I have to show them I’m not a complete failure.”

“No you’re not, we’re all still learning,” Sarah said handing him the shirt.

He placed his button up next to him on the couch. Sarah was walking around barefoot still in that impeccable gown when a knock came at the door. She walked over looking through the peephole.

“It’s Ethan, “she whispered.

“Dr. Choi?” Jason mouthed confused and slightly excited.

Sarah nodded when a light bulb went off in her head and a devilish grin flashed across her face.

“Take off your shirt,” she whispered as she began taking the bobby pins out her hair.

Jason looked confused but Sarah flicked her hands in rapid movement so he would do as he was told. Jason pulled off the t-shirt she lent him. She ran over and began to unbutton his pants.

“What are you doing?!” He hissed slapping her hands away.

“Leave it, just trust me, go answer the door and act surprised,” she whispered as the next set of pounding echoed through her apartment.

Jason was hesitant, his eyes wide but laughing a bit as he went over to the door and answered it.

Not  unlike an actor on cue he said, “Dr. Choi?” feigning his surprise and confusion as he leaned his arm over his head to the entry way.

Ethan had a smirk on his face as he lifted his eyes but they quickly drained when the doorway was occupied by Jason instead of Sarah.

“Wheeler?” Ethan took a step back astonished at who was there.

“How much is it Jason?” Sarah asked appearing from behind Jason.

She had taken all the bobby pins out of her hair leaving it messy and wild. Her dress was in the middle of the floor and she’d thrown Jason’s dress-shirt on deliberately only buttoning up a few buttons so a portion of her chest was exposed as well as her long gams.

“Dr. Choi…you are not the delivery man,” Sarah teased.

The joke did nothing for Ethan whose stone wall was now up. The impenetrable Dr. Choi; Navy man, at your service or at least disservice in this moment. He produced a pile of perfectly folded clothes from behind his back and handed them towards Sarah.

“I’d hate for you to run out of clothes,” Dr. Choi said cooly.

Icebergs could’ve taken cues on how to be this cold. Sarah took them and began to thank him but he quickly turned and began walking away. She shut the door as her face grew red and she had to work from keeping herself from laughing. Wheeler didn’t care he started laughing loudly, he was confused but not that confused.

“I knew it!” he laughed, “So something _is_ going on between you two…cause what was that and why am I half naked?!"

“Payback, he teases me, flirts with me relentlessly, and tonight I just felt powerful. I just wanted a little power,” Sarah confessed.

“You want to order for real?” Sarah asked, “I actually am hungry.”

Jason nodded and they found an Asian place with a great veggie menu for Sarah while they played scrabble at her coffee table, still “in costume.”

“So,” Jason started, ”Elaborate on what you mean by this teasing and or flirting thing cause if Dr. Choi was flirting with me I would not be pretending to be sleeping with anyone else.”

“He just likes to make me uncomfortable because he can, you don’t think he knows how handsome he is?” Sarah said picking up their dishes from her dining room table.

“Okay, but he came all the way to your house…with your clothes, that’s not just harmless,” Jason said following her into the kitchen to put away the excess food.

“There’s no all the way about it, he lives upstairs,” Sarah said turning on the faucet.

“Shut up!” Jason said astonished, “Dr. Drop Dead Gorgeous is your neighbor!”

Sarah nodded, “My washer is on the fritz so he let me use his.”

Sarah did not have the heart to tell Jason about Ethan knowing about his drunken antics.

“Okay but how would making him believe we were sleeping together 'get back at him?’”

“So the other night when we went out to try and find Danny he gave me a little self-defense lesson but he was being way more flirty than normal and it made me wonder what might’ve happened,” Sarah admitted.

“Well why do you think nothing happened?” Jason pressed on as they walked to her living room.

Sarah plopped on her dough like couch.

“His girlfriend came over,” she said.

“Wait he has a girlfriend?!” Jason yelled while putting the t-shirt she gave him back on.

“Um-actually not anymore, she’s in the Navy too, and I guess she just got deployed so I guess they’re broken up now.”

“Lucky woman,” Jason said shaking his head.

“Oh yeah, I got to hear how lucky on a regular basis, no wonder this apartment was empty,” Sarah admitted rolling her eyes.

“Shut up! Man why didn’t you invite me over we could’ve popped popcorn and timed him.” Jason said half-laughing.

Sarah picked up a pillow and hit him with it. She grabbed the remote and turned on the movie options for them.

“Well regardless of what happens between you two I hope he doesn’t spread the false rumor that we’re sleeping together. I would die if anyone thought I was a het.”

Sarah laughed and curled up to him resting her head on his shoulder. She was for sure Ethan could care less. She just wanted the stunt to show him she wasn’t a kid to be teased all the time.

 

Ethan stared at the ceiling, the fan going round and round. Too many nights were spent like this; his inability to sleep always an issue for him. He got up and got on his phone pulling up his games folder and opening his app: Words With Friends, ReesusMonkey was greyed out and not on. He knew why. Sarah may not have realized she played against him but he knew it was her. The thought of Jason touching her, kissing her, doing god-knows-what-else was enough to make him walk over to his punching bag and start training.


	6. I Can Handle This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat and mouse game between Ethan and Sarah is beginning....But who is the cat and who is the mouse?

Sarah hadn’t really given any long or deep thought to the prank she played on Ethan. In all honesty she didn’t think he would even care. Even if he’d just broken up with Vicky she wasn’t convinced that he would come running to her. In fact she chalked the cold behavior towards her the night he’d seen her with Wheeler as just his soldier-judgmental attitude and nothing else. It wasn’t until she got to work on Monday and saw him in an almost robotic ultra-disciplined mode that she even thought about how her actions might’ve influenced his behavior.

“Faster, I needed those scans five minutes ago. Wheeler! You’re with me,” Ethan yelled.

Jason looked over in fear at Sarah. Sarah was taken aback; even she had never seen Ethan like this. The case was no more pressing than any other that had come into the ED but Ethan was in some kind of zone…an angry one.

He spent most of the day shouting orders and ultimately just being scary. When he got a moment to eat Jason found Sarah.

“When did Dr. Gorgeous turn into Dr. Jekyll and Hyde?” he commented as he plopped his tray down.

Sarah lifted her head from the lunch table long enough to shake it back and forth unsure of the cause of the mood swing.

“That man is a menace!" Wheeler continued, "I’d bitch to Halstead but I’m pretty sure he hates me too,” he confessed to Sarah.

She was slumped over the table from exhaustion. They had barely managed to get a lunch break and Sarah was so tired she’d only taken a couple of bites of her yogurt. Ethan hadn’t bothered to take one; he was too busy handling cases left and right. Sarah rose like a zombie from their table and headed back down to the ED, dragging her feet and dreading having to deal with Ethan and whatever mood he was in.

She looked at the digital chart of the last patient she was working with. He was scheduled to go up for surgery so Sarah walked the chart over to Will and asked,

“Should we start him on heparin now?”

Will looked over the chart and nodded handing it back to her. Sarah typed it in and the nurse began administering it when not unlike a bat out of hell Ethan walked over.

“Who told you to put this patient on heparin?!” he all but screamed at Doris.

Like an old pro used to dealing with bad tempers from doctors Doris just rolled her eyes and pointed to Sarah’s initials on the chart. Ethan stalked over to Sarah who was typing up the notes for the surgery of the patient in question. Sarah looked over and appearing almost out of nowhere was Ethan next to her; yelling.

“You should’ve run these by _me_ first,” he hissed.

“I ran them by the attending,” Sarah answered, alarmed at his tone.

“My patient, my lead, you take the lead from _me_ when they’re my patients, do you understand?” he said lowering his voice but staring intently into her eyes.

She met that stare tit-for-tat and answered,” Oh it’s understood.”

She put both hands up to stop typing and walked away.

Her shift was ending soon and after today she would need a drink. She found Jason and they headed over to Molly’s. Not unlike lunch Sarah’s head was on the table as she nursed her half-drunk beer.

“I knew it…I knew that little prank was going to turn out horrible,” Jason said breaking the exhausted quiet they both were enjoying.

“Oh come on, we don’t know that,” Sarah answered taking a sip of her beer.

Jason turned and looked at her dead serious. “Bake him some cookies, tell him I’m gay, and fix this Sarah. I cannot do another day like this,” he said seriously while getting up.

“Hey where are you going?” Sarah asked.

“Well there is a Matthew that looks like this,” Jason said turning his phone to show Sarah, “less than three blocks from here that thinks I’m cute, you might be okay with fake sex but I need the real thing.”

Sarah laughed a little as Jason gulped down the rest of his beer and put a twenty down paying for their drinks. Sarah didn’t finish the rest of her beer she just got up and caught a cab home.

... 

She went into her room and put her pajama pants on with a Power-Puff Girls t-shirt and slid her feet into her bunny slippers. She heated up her leftover take-out and sat on her couch. She was a few bites in almost too tired to keep chewing. Wheeler was right, but screw the cookies, she was going to confront Ethan and find out what the hell his problem was.

Too tired to climb the stairs, she got on the elevator, still in her PJ’s. She was a little nervous but they weren’t at work so she could be a little more forward with him if she needed to be. When she came to the door there was music playing again so she loudly knocked on the door. Not unlike last time the music lowered and she could hear him walk over. He opened the door wearing those same black pants, shirtless like the last time. He was punching on his boxing bag again. Sarah didn’t let the gloriousness that was his body trip her up like the time before.

“Sarah,” he said almost confused looking her up and down. Her bunny slippers made him smile a little.

“Can we talk about today?” Sarah asked confidently sashaying into his place.

“What about today?” Ethan shot back as he closed the door.

“Really? You don’t think anything was off about your behavior…maybe towards me or Jason?” Sarah said leaning into her hip and crossing her arms.

“I was just doing my job Sarah, its trauma, fast paced and precise.” He said walking toward his coffee table to grab his bottle of water.

“Oh okay, that was just your job…right, the way you were to me and Jason, you’re telling me that that behavior was just you doing your job?”

“Yeah, yeah it was; it’s probably a good thing you’re headed to Pathology. I don’t think you can handle the ED,” he said with an arrogant half-smile.

“I can handle a lot more than you think...,” Sarah snapped back raising her eyebrow at him.

She was flirting with him again, using the leftover feeling of power he gave her from The Med Ball.

“I’m sure you can handle all kinds of things,” Ethan said advancing toward her, “Although I guess I don’t have the advantage of _hearing_ it like you did…or maybe it’s just that Wheeler isn’t too hard to handle huh?” Ethan was now just a foot in front of her.

“I didn’t realize you’d be listening for it….” Sarah said with smile to match his.

“I’m not,” Ethan said narrowing his eyes at her.

“You sure?” Sarah said closing the gap, their faces now only inches away from each other, “Should I be louder _Eee-than_?” her breath practically tangling with his.

With lightning speed he leaned in, pulling her face into a kiss, walking into her, ultimately pushing her against the door. Sarah’s heart raced as their tongues met. The way he massaged hers was unlike anyway anyone had ever kissed her before. She could’ve made a home in his mouth. He stopped just as she was getting comfy in the kiss and spun her around, her bunny slippers giving him the momentum he needed to quickly twirl her. Her hands slammed on the back of the door as she tried to keep herself up. Ethan slid one hand up her shirt, snaking it through the middle of her chest, not touching her breasts, instead grabbing her neck ultimately controlling her head. He used the other hand to snap her hips back into his before lightly sliding his hand into her pajama pants and into her panties.

“Does he do this Sarah?” his voice a controlled whisper in her ear.

His finger was moving achingly slow as she got wetter and wetter letting out small gasps.

“Hmm, I can’t hear you Sarah,” Ethan said still whispering in that measured voice.

He was speeding his finger up dancing over her clit. Sarah could feel herself rising like a bottle rocket; sprinkles of color dotted her vision like fireworks as she began to let out the beginnings of a scream.

“Can he make you come like _this_? Hmm…maybe you can’t handle this.”

Ethan snatched both his hands away in a quick-cruel unison and stepped back and away from her. Just like that the firework show was over before the actual explosion and pitch black nothingness settled into Sarah; along with frustration. Her mouth dropped as she turned to face him. Ethan walked closer, leaning toward her, she thought he was going in for another kiss but he twisted the knob and began opening the door.

“See you later Sarah,” he said with a smile in his eyes and the beginnings of an egotistical smirk on his lips.

Sarah turned and walked out to the hall. She stopped and turned but he slammed the door in her face. She walked down to her apartment, she wanted to call Jason and tell him everything but she was still in utter shock that Ethan had done that. Even more shocked that Jason was right, he was passed flirting and had no problem turning up the heat. Sarah walked into her apartment and headed straight to her bedroom. She laid down.

Never one to run from a challenge she looked up at the ceiling and said,

“You want to play games….alright, game on Choi.”


	7. The Cat and The Canary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah has to up the ante on her game but Ethan makes a decision that really pushes her behavior to crazy-town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is supposed to be a very long evening so I broke this chapter up into two parts, the second part of the evening is after this.

“Wait, wait, wait, back up, what do you mean he fingered you in his apartment?!”

Jason had all but spit out his coffee on Sarah’s dining room table so Sarah was up, grabbing a napkin for him, and a paper towel for the table. He had come over an hour after she was lying in bed thinking about the crazy turn of events that had become of her evening.

“Yeah, I went up there to confront him about work today and we ended up kissing and he kind of…well yeah… while he asked me if it was better than you,” Sarah said blushing.

“Oh my god that’s so hot,” Jason said as his mouth hung open, “But you told him yes, because I’m just an innocent gay caught up in this drama.”

Sarah’s mouth was in an exaggerated frown, “ _Well_ I didn’t exactly get to that, but knowing Ethan, hopefully he’ll think he’s the better man and leave you alone,” Sarah said shrugging.

“How did I get caught up in this het-nonsense, you didn’t give him the right kind of cookies Sarah!” Jason said dramatically pounding his fist on the table and then sinking into his chair and pouting. He perked up again when he asked,

“So why are you down here and not upstairs banging it out with Dr. Gorgeous?”

“He freaking kicked me out! Like right after!” Sarah answered shaking her head in disbelief over the whole ordeal.

“Like a _ho_ ,” Jason said shaking his head.

“Shut-up,” Sarah said rolling her eyes before continuing, “Speaking of hos, why are you here? What happened with Matthew?”

“I am not here to talk about little-dick-can’t-kiss-Matthew, so cute but an utter disappointment, _I’m_ here because Danny left a message with that bartender that I was telling you about, you know the one who took his picture on my phone.”

Sarah nodded not wanting to bring up how drunk Jason had been that night it was taken.

“Really, that’s great news,” Sarah said enthusiastically.

“But he still really only trusts you so he asked if we could meet him tomorrow night,” Jason said excitedly.

“Yes, absolutely, we’ll get him some literature about transitional housing or shelters, places where he can kick his habit,-oh and I’ll ask Dr. Halstead if maybe his brother can help,” Sarah said excitedly.

“Awesome, I think he’s going to try and get away around eight-thirty or nine tomorrow night and meet us. We can meet beforehand at Molly’s and then go.”

Jason was now standing as he was preparing to go home.

“Promise me we’ll still hang out like this when you move to pathology?” he said looking over his shoulder as she walked him out.

“Promise,” Sarah said with a smile.

Pathology; it was still an problem, even with Jason’s issues and Ethan being a distraction the consequential day was still closing in. Instead of giving more thought to what she felt she had no control over she went to her bed and tried to devise a way to get back at Ethan, to get some of her power back. She was addicted to that feeling, he couldn’t have it all. More importantly she wanted him to feel like her, unsure and a little used. After all it was only fair and to be honest Sarah was actually having a little fun.

…

Work felt like it came quickly the next day. Ethan pulled that stunt with her because he knew he didn’t work and he wouldn’t see her. Jason was relieved to have an easier day without the added pressure of whatever mood Ethan would be in, it allowed him and Sarah to get the info they needed for Danny. But Sarah was actually a little disappointed. How was she supposed to exact her revenge now?

Ethan was home most of the day doing chores, then running errands, and getting groceries. The mundane tasks kept his mind off of Sarah.

Although he came across fairly controlled in the situation Ethan was anything but that around her. Sarah was supposed to be like a kid-sister to him but even standing in those bunny slippers and cartooned t-shirt she had managed to get under his skin. No amount of teasing her could stop the fact that he was still very attracted to her and it was starting to make him feel out of control; uncomfortable even.

Boxing was only taking the edge off. He needed another way to blow off some steam. Vicky was gone, but there was always Monica.

She was a nurse at the VA hospital. They used to hook-up before things turned serious between he and Vicky and her exact response when they became an item was

“If it doesn’t work out with her, you know where to find me.”

So that’s what Ethan did. He got home, ordered in, sent Monica a text, and true to her word she was at his house in a jiff. They had a beer to break the ice and catch up a bit before they headed to his bedroom.

…

Coming home was now a strange source of anxiousness for Sarah. After what happened between her and Ethan the whole building felt implicated. Sarah got in the apartment and immediately headed to the bathroom to shower. She wanted to hang out at Molly’s for a little bit before Jason got there. Sarah sat at the edge of her bed to lotion her legs when the familiar but completely uninvited sounds of moans came through the vent. Sarah stopped what she was doing almost perplexed. _“Am I in the twilight zone? I thought Vicky left?”_

Jealousy wasn’t the only feeling she felt, she actually felt hurt. Had he just toyed with her? Used her for a quick second? Maybe he didn’t think anything of it; after all, if this was a game to Ethan then that would just make him a player. The vengeful feeling from the other night crept in and Sarah stood up and picked up her phone and began dialing.

“Hi…oh no I would like to remain anonymous officer?....Jones, yes, Officer Jones I can’t be sure but it sounds like a woman is being hurt in the apartment above me, I could be wrong but it’s just awfully noisy and I’m concerned for her safety…uh huh, thanks,” Sarah ended the call and the fake nice-passive aggressive tone she was using.

She put the phone down and plugged in her diffuser and began blow drying her hair and whistling innocently.

…

Not unlike the sexual carnage he had unleashed upon Sarah; Ethan had Monica literally at his fingertips. He kissed her neck and her loud moans filled his bedroom. He pulled his hand away continuing to kiss her as he positioned himself on top of her, until a pounding came at his door. He looked at Monica and she looked at him both confused.

“Are you expecting someone?” Monica asked raising her eyebrow and slightly annoyed.

“No,” Ethan grumbled as he got up and pulled on his jeans.

He walked over to the door and opened it, his confusion continued as a uniformed cop stood in front of him.

“Good evening, we had noise complaint, one of a possible domestic dispute, are you alone sir?”

Ethan’s eyes widened as he was completely thrown for a loop.

“Uh-no I’m not, please come in,” he said.

He let the cop in and went to get Monica.

Monica came out in a large t-shirt of Ethan’s and her jeans.

He took Monica over to a corner of the apartment to question her. Ethan paced back and forth unable to figure out how in the world his evening had ended up here.

“No, the exact opposite, I’m fine, actually I’d be better than fine if you hadn’t knocked on the door!” Monica complained.

Ethan tilted his head, “Monica he’s just doing his job.”

The officer nodded and began walking out when he spotted a picture of Ethan and few of his Navy buddies.

“Which fleet did you serve on?”

“In that picture, we were visiting the 7th but I was on the USS Carl Vinson,” he said with a smile. The photo brought back nostalgia, a feeling he missed.

“My dad served there back in the seventies,” the officer said.

“Mine too.” Ethan said with a laugh.

The officer looked at Ethan’s driver’s license still in his hand.

“Choi- I’ll have to ask my dad if he remembers yours,” the officer said still smiling as he handed the ID back to Ethan before saying, “Everything seems fine, I’m sorry to have disrupted your evening.”

Ethan began walking him out but as he opened the door he stopped him to ask,

“Hey, just out of curiosity do you know who called in the complaint?”

“They asked to remain anonymous but it was most likely a neighbor, probably some cranky old lady.” The officer said before walking out.

Ethan turned around but Monica was dressed in her own clothes.

“You’re leaving?” he said.

“Yeah, the mood kind of died,” she said slipping into her shoes and picking up her coat draped on the back of the couch.

“Yeah you’re right,” Ethan said apologetically.

She walked over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Call me sometime, maybe we can get together at _my_ place,” she said smiling as she walked out.

With the slam of the door Ethan turned and crossed his arms and thought, “A neighbor…Reese,” he growled looking down at his floor.

…

Sarah was done getting ready. She thought about putting on the red lipstick she wore the night of the ball. It made her feel sexy and powerful but she decided against it at the last minute. After all this was about helping Danny, she could help herself after. She was locking up when out of her peripheral vision Ethan stalked up to her. She jumped back as he startled her.

“You called the police!" He yelled shaking his head at her in disbelief, “I cannot believe you called the police on me and my friend,” he hissed.

She quickly collected herself,

“I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about Ethan,” she answered casually as she twisted her knob making sure she secured the lock.

“Well, someone called the cops on me…a neighbor, you sure you don’t know anything about that?!” he said glaring at Sarah.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, you really shouldn’t jump to conclusions,” Sarah said looking forward and walking towards the stairwell, she continued twisting the sword, ”But, gosh…how frustrating for you, to be oh so close and then boom,” she said snapping her fingers, “Snatched, just like candy from a baby. Pleasure and pain can get confusing to the ear, the feelings are so similar.”

He was walking behind her when he scoffed with a cold smile,

“Did you get your get your feelings hurt Sarah?”

She stopped walking as his words hurt a little before turning around, with a cool grin of her own.

“Well whatever do you mean, I would’ve had to feel something to be hurt and I didn’t _feel_ very much of _anything_ ,” she lied cooly and convincingly as she closed in the gap between them.

Sarah lifted to her tiptoes to his ear, “But stick around tonight if you really want to hear what a man who _actually_  makes me feel good sounds like,” she said lowering herself and turning.

“Who? Pshh, Wheeler?” he laughed.

“Wheeler’s gay," she said still walking, "You _really_ shouldn’t jump to conclusions _Eee-than_ , “Sarah said turning to wink as she walked away leaving Ethan in the hall his mouth agape.


	8. The Cat and The Canary Part II: OMG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was Sarah thinking calling the cops?! We join her to see how she will devise her next plan and does Ethan even still want to play?

_“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I can’t believe I did that, I can’t believe I said that, oh my god,”_ Sarah thought to herself, as she was sped walked to the bus stop.

The whole situation was not Sarah and as much as she had gotten some gratification out of her actions she realized that she had called the police, _the police_ , on Ethan.

 _“Who does that?!_ ” She thought to herself. And now she had to produce some kind of guy to make him jealous with. Wheeler was out of the question and she hated casual sex. There was a reason she’d been with such a low number of men. Sarah liked to have a connection; sex without it meant nothing to her. The worst part of it was that she had that connection but it was with Ethan. It was pure heat, raw, and explosive. Their friendship had developed a long time ago but this territory was different. But she couldn’t deny that he hurt her. Why was there another woman upstairs, why would he do that? Why did he make her so crazy? She was at the bar now and so lost in her vodka-soda she hadn’t seen Jason come up behind her.

“I guess we had the same idea,” he said with a smile as he sat down next to her.

Sarah looked down at her watch and realized that he was about twenty minutes early too.

“I wanted to get out of my apartment and then…I needed to get out of my apartment,” she said glumly.

Jason ordered a drink and looked over at Sarah reading the melancholy in her large brown eyes.

“What’s happened now?” he asked picking up his drink to take a sip.

“Ethan brought someone home,” she lamented, twirling her cocktail straw in her glass.

“You could _hear_ him again?!” Jason said astonished.

Sarah nodded and frowned. She hated how hurt she felt over it; the way Ethan made her feel like a kid that didn’t know what was going on.

“Oh so then you came here to get away,” Jason said turning to face the bar top.

“Not exactly…” Sarah said with an exaggerated frown.

Jason was about to bring his beer to his lips when he stopped mid-motion to give Sarah the same dead-serious look he’d given her when he needed her to tell Choi to get off his back.

“Jesus Sarah, what did you do?!”

“I might have called the police and reported a teeny noise disturbance…” she said looking over at him in the corner of her eyes.

“Oh my god,” Jason said his mouth hanging open

Sarah still had her mouth in that exaggerated frown as she continued, “I may have implied just a little…domestic abuse so they would hurry…” she said closing her eyes to get the power-glare Jason had on her, off her.

“You didn’t?! Well remind me never to cross you Single White Female.” He said taking a gulp of his beer and shaking his head.

In that moment Sarah felt a little guilty, maybe she was being childish. She was angry but that little stunt may have sealed her coffin with Ethan shut. Maybe it needed to stay shut. They finished their drinks and made their way to a bar called “Big Chicks” to find Danny.

He was there, right on time, waiting outside the bar when they arrived. Immediately Sarah gave him the info for the shelter.

“I don’t know where you’re staying tonight but they have a spot saved for you and when you’re ready,” Sarah said handing him a small business card, “that is the direct line to a Detective Lindsey and this one is her partner Detective Halstead.” Sarah said with the same reassurance she had in the ED.

Danny nodded, “Thank you…both of you,” he said slowly looking over at Wheeler.

“This place also has security in the front, you’ll be safe there,” Sarah said.

Danny nodded again. They put him in a cab and gave the driver the instructions for the shelter. Part of the rules were a strict ten o’clock curfew so he had to leave.

 

They stood outside the bar for a moment before Sarah broke the silence saying,

“Well I can’t go home, at least not alone…” Sarah said shamefully.

“There’s more to this story isn’t there…” Jason replied looking at Sarah in the corner of his eye.

She gave him the same exaggerated frown.

“No, not after Monday, I cannot be your beard!” Jason said vigorously shaking his head.

“No, I told him you were gay, you’re off the hook.” Sarah said pursing her lips together.

“Oh thank god,” Jason said with a sigh before turning to her, “So you just need a quick hook-up?” he asked.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to have sex with anyone, I just want Ethan to think I am,” Sarah said a little ashamed at her pettiness.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m going to help you…” Jason said like he was having an epiphany.

Sarah perked up, “You are!”

“Who could resist that adorable grin? Okay, but we need to make you look a tad sexier,” he said hesitantly.

He was trying his best not to make her feel bad.

He unbuttoned two of her buttons, “No offense, but you don’t really need this bra,” he said tugging on the middle.

Sarah’s mouth dropped as she stared at him, “Are you calling me flat-chested?!”

“No, no, but they are on the smaller side, but perky! I’m trying to go for a 70’s vibe,” he said.

“Why is it whenever you pick my clothes I always end up naked,” Sarah said shaking her head.

Wheeler had moved on to taking her hair down and he was plumping up her already voluminous curls.

“Let me guess, the lipstick I had you buy for the Med Ball is at home,” he said disappointed.

“Actually,” Sarah said opening her purse, “Right here.”

“Thank god,” he exhaled.

“Seriously, you’re making me feel like I’m ugly,” Sarah pouted.

“You are anything but that, but this will be ten times easier if you look...well...easy,” Jason said smiling sheepishly.

Sarah had to smile, this was crazy and a little stupid but she couldn’t face going home knowing she had set it up that someone would be there with her. Someone that would want to be with her, yet at that moment, there was no one. The thought made her sad again.

“Hey,” Jason started as he put his hand under her chin to lift it, “You’re beautiful, and promise me after this no more games, you’ll get a Match.com profile or sign up for a Tindr account like normal people, screw Ethan and anyone else that can’t see you for you.” He said with a smile.

Sarah nodded taking in the advice.

“Now let’s go get you a fake boyfriend.”

Big Chicks was a bit too gay so they found a place a little more “het-friendly.”

They went into the bar and sat down to order a drink. The exposed parts of Sarah immediately turned the heads of several men; none that were even close to attractive, none of them were Ethan level.  

“Ooh uh- 3’o’clock, pretty cute, and coming this way,” Jason said looking over Sarah’s shoulder nonchalantly and slowly walking away.

Sarah’s eyes grew large as she got a bit nervous.

“Where are you going?!” she hissed.

“Away,” he smiled.

Just then there was a light tap on Sarah’s shoulder. She turned to see who it was. Wheeler wasn’t wrong; he was cute, a little taller than Sarah with dirty blonde hair, jewel-colored blue eyes, and a nice smile; Sarah blushed a little.

“Hey, sorry to bug you, but what’s your friends name? And better question; is he single?” he said with a smile.

Sarah’s face slumped a little in disappointment, “Oh, that’s Jason and yes, yes he is,” she finished with a smile.

She couldn’t be upset that Jason would hook-up with someone.

“My friend Rick thinks he’s cute but he didn’t know if you two were together or-,” he said leaning a bit into Sarah and smiling.

“Oh, uh- no, Jason and I are just friends,” Sarah said shocked.

“I’m Jonas,” he said putting his hand out to shake hers.

“Sarah,” she said smiling and shaking his hand.

“Do you want to join us at our table?” Jonas asked.

Sarah nodded and waved Wheeler down to join them. They were getting along well. Rick was adorable but kind of quiet which worked for Jason because he was a talker. Jonas was an accountant and Rick was his client, he owned a small construction company. They ordered one more drink before it was clear that Jason and Rick wanted to leave. So they left, dispersing as Jonas offered to walk Sarah home. The night was actually turning out better than Sarah expected. When they got to her place she actually thought about not going through with the stunt, but something about that building was drawing a sort of anxiousness out of her. It was tainted with memories of Ethan, her frustration. So she thought “why not” if anything maybe she’d get a second date out of Jonas and move on, winning the game once and for all. They walked up to her apartment and Sarah offered Jonas a soda water, of which he accepted.

“Wow, this apartment is amazing Sarah, whoa, I mean doctor, you’re a doctor,” he said smiling and pointing, as he saw Sarah’s white coat hanging up.

She still hadn’t gotten used to the title, but she turned and smiled with a nod.

“Let me give you a quick tour,” Sarah said handing him a glass of water.

The tour would be very quick as her apartment wasn’t that big but she purposely led him around so that they could end up in her bedroom. Sarah backed into the small space where the large industrial vent led from her place up to Ethan’s. She curled her finger for Jonas to walk over. He smiled curiously as it was an odd place for a first kiss. Sarah reached up on her tiptoes and pulled his neck in to kiss him. He was good kisser, nowhere near as bad as Joey, but miles away from the magic that was Ethan. The comparisons reminded her of her little mission as she pulled away. She was guiding him to her neck, after all, her mouth needed to be to free to give her vocal performance for the neighbor upstairs.

….

Ethan couldn’t believe it, _“That little liar,”_ he thought. She and Wheeler were never an item, never sleeping together, she’d misled him, that kid had snowed him! Why had he allowed himself to get caught up in such a stupid game? At that moment he had come to the realization that she wasn’t a kid and maybe her actions reflected her need at not wanting to be viewed that way. He could dissect her behavior all day but it wouldn’t really help him figure out his. Why had he called Monica? He decided he was done playing games. Sarah could be as loud as she wanted, do whatever she wanted he was out.

“MMMm, mmm, yeah, right there, yeeeaahh that feels so good!”

The noise was rising like smoke through the vent. Ethan had been lying down playing Words With Friends in between thoughts of Sarah and the whole “game.”

“Oh come on Reese,” he growled.

He meant it; he was done playing this game. Ethan rolled his eyes and turned over to grab his ear buds from the night stand; ready to go into the living room when all of sudden he heard,

“OW! OW! OW! NO! STOP! STOP! STOP!”  

Ethan sat up alarmed and then angry. She’s probably just playing, but then again what if she’s not? What if someone is hurting her? Ethan was definitely not cool with listening to a woman being assaulted, and definitely not okay with it being Sarah.

“Shit,” he sighed as his feet hit the floor and he grabbed his shoes; taking off downstairs to her apartment.

….

“Sorry, I think I have it unhooked,” Jonas said giving a light pat to Sarah’s coif.

The button on the cuff of his jacket had caught onto her hair during their make-out session.

“I think it’s okay,” Sarah said a bit embarrassed rubbing the back of her head.

There was a loud pounding at her door, she walked over to the door and looked through the peep-hole. She smiled a little seeing Ethan there. _“Right on time.”_ She thought as she opened the door.

“Out of sugar Ethan?”

“Ugh!” Ethan said throwing his hands in the air, “I thought you were hurt!”

“No, I’m more than okay,” Sarah said with a half-grin.

“You know Sarah, _this crap_ , this cry-wolf B.S.; it makes it a lot harder for people who are in need of _actual_ help.” Ethan growled in irritation.

“What are you talking about?” Sarah said confused

“It's really hard to tell the difference between pain and pleasure, huh Sarah,” Ethan hissed glaring at her.

“Is everything okay,” Jonas asked walking out of her bedroom.

“Yeah,” Ethan snapped, “Next time I’ll just call the police and let them sort it out!”

“Who is this guy?”  Jonas asked stepping forward.

“My neighbor,” Sarah answered still locked in eye contact with Ethan.

“Do you want me to handle this Sarah?” Jonas asked confused.

“No,” they both replied in unison.

 “Are you guys into doing a group thing cause-“ Jonas started.

“No,” they both replied in unison.

“Are you sure cause I’m not against-“Jonas continued.

“NO!” they both replied in unison.

“So then just-," Jonas started again.

“GET OUT!” they both yelled in unison.

“Sheesh,” Jonas said walking past Ethan out of Sarah’s door.

Ethan heaved a loud sigh.

“Feeling frustrated Ethan?”

“You’d know that feeling wouldn’t you Sarah?” He said taking a step forward before rolling his eyes, “Ugh, I am done playing your games.”

“ _I’m_ playing games?! You’re the one that kicked me out, after… you did whatever it is you did with your hands,” Sarah yelled her face flush at the memory.

“Oh you mean that thing you couldn’t feel?” Ethan said advancing toward her.

Sarah rolled her eyes and then glared at him. Ethan smiled a bit at her but shook his head.

“Couldn’t handle it then, can’t handle it now,” Ethan said with a smirk as he turned away.

Sarah opened the last couple of buttons from her shirt exposing the entirety of her bare chest.

“Like I told you, you have no idea what I can handle, _Eee-than_ ,” she said placing her hands on her hips and allowing the excess of her shirt to be pushed behind her.

He turned and stared at her, his mouth dropping a bit before he turned. Sarah’s eyes grew wide as she watched Ethan walk to the door.

 _“Oh my god, he’s humiliating me again,”_ Sarah thought.

Ethan walked over to the door, slammed it closed, and flicked the lock and slid the latch.


	9. The Cat Swallowed the Canary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan and Reese are finally crossing that line but where does that lead for them? Meanwhile a problem that seemed like it was taken care of is not and Sarah is feeling the crushing weight of pathology again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is a mature rated fic so....if you enjoy it for other reasons I'd say skip the first chunk but I guess for the rest of us...enjoy.

_Still facing the door Ethan pulled his shirt off, tossing it to the side. He turned back around to face Sarah, taking in everything he’d never seen before. There were no more canaries here, just two lions left in Sarah’s apartment. But even though she had all but initiated whatever was going to happen next Sarah still couldn’t help but play with him a bit._

_Every time he took a step towards her she took a step backward; never losing eye contact until finally Sarah had backed into her dining room table. Not unlike a lion assessing its prey Ethan stood close to her with that same devilish grin spread across his face, he brought one of his hands up and slowly put it behind her head, smoothing down her curls before wrapping his hands around a bundle; tightening his hold at the nape of her neck. It wasn’t forceful enough to hurt but he had control of her head. He brought his face closer to hers, so close as if he was going to kiss her but he just used his lips to graze hers. Sarah stuck out her tongue to catch the last bit of his lips as it passed hers. He let out the faintest of gasps and she did too, their mouths both drawn and open Ethan tugged at her hair bending her head back; finally placing a kiss upon her lips. The same amazing tongue plunged into her mouth massaging erogenous zones she didn’t know existed in there. He could’ve sucked her soul out with that kiss and she would’ve let him. Sarah felt her soft body crushing against the rock hard chest she was held against. He let go of her hair and began unbuttoning her jeans and sliding her pants and panties down. That magic tongue of his was on her neck tracing a trail down her chest, he only used the heat from his mouth and the quickest tap of his tongue against her nipple, before hopping back on the trail down to her stomach. Sarah felt like she was melting into a puddle of goo. He was bent down now; draping one of her legs over his shoulders followed by the other, she almost lost her balance but he had his hands firmly on either side of her butt and then the small of her back as he stood up like a power lifter. Sarah’s heart was beating out of her chest at the bird’s eye view she had of her apartment as Ethan’s enchanted tongue met her sex, tickling, teasing, and ultimately French kissing her clit. His tongue felt like silk and the little stars and trickles of color sprinkled over Sarah’s vision as she let out small gasps._

“-Wait, wait, wait, air-oral? That’s a thing? Oh my god, why have I never had anyone lift me up and fellate me? My life really is worthless.” Jason said whining.

“Can I finish?” Sarah asked annoyed.

“Yes, Please! So you’re in the air like porn-star Dirty Dancing.”

_Ethan slowly let Sarah down her back against her dining room table._

“-Wait- eww this table?!” He said interrupting again.

“Jason!”

“Sorry, but I’m eating at the coffee table, go on,” he said picking up his breakfast burrito and coffee and walking to her living room.

“Anyway,” Sarah continued.

 _Ethan licked his lips relishing in more of her taste as he unbuttoned his pants and took Sarah’s_ _legs lifting and crossing them before entering her. The pressure his dick had against the floor of her sex tapped into a pleasure she never had experienced before, as he used his hips to thrust in and up, hitting the floor and then applying an external pressure to her clit. Every thrust hit several buttons one after the other, Sarah didn’t know how much more she could take before she unraveled or blacked out. Ethan had a firm hold on her legs, his arm wrapped around them keeping them close, he slowed when he used the other to lean in and move her chin to look at him. Sarah hadn’t realized it but her eyes were rolling back in her head as breathy “oh my god, fuuu’s” were leaving her mouth._

**_“Open your eyes Sarah, look at me,” Ethan said with an amazing command; a control._ **

_Sarah obeyed the order and in that moment she realized that this was his kink. He loved control so much he needed to see the exact moment that she lost it and fell apart to his will. So there they were locked in eye contact as Sarah actually made an attempt to not get there first. It was her last small game; a battle of resistance as she tried to hold her breath like it was something that could actually help, but Ethan could tell and the speed and accuracy of his hips were relentless. Sarah began to whimper a little trying to hold it in. That devilish smirk began to spread across his face as he could he tell was pushing her to the edge._

**_“Come on, come for me Sarah,” he practically growled._ **

**_“You f-first,” she whimpered._ **

**_“I can’t, not until you do,” he said still smiling but his breath was now labored._ **

_Finally she let go and screamed out some sort of gibberish. Ethan had leaned in and was holding the back of her neck, his thumb at the bottom of her chin, so he could watch her. Like a domino he followed but even in that moment he appeared controlled, letting out a deep sigh like he heard good news. If it wasn’t for how long that went on for Sarah wouldn’t have realized just how much he enjoyed himself, her vision had gone white while her bottom lip trembled._

“Wow, I cannot believe that you got to have sex with Dr. Gorgeous.” Jason said astonished by her story.

“I know!” Sarah said taking a swig out of her water bottle.

“So are you guys like dating now…or?”

Sarah shook her head no.

_Sarah was still lying on the table as Ethan was walking over to the door to grab his shirt._

_“Should I bring down my medical bag?” he joked._

_Sarah sat up quickly hoping that she could play off the earth-shattering-body-numbly amazing orgasm she just had but she ended up getting dizzy. Ethan rushed over to help her up._

_He smiled but Sarah sat up straight, still naked and said,_

_“I just need to eat something.”_

_“Mmhmm,” Ethan said before walking to her kitchen._

_He filled a glass with water and brought it over to her. He started walking towards her door._

_“You’re leaving?” Sarah asked putting the glass down._

_“I have to feed my bird and try and get some sleep before work,” Ethan said with another half-grin._

“HAHAHAHAHA, he left you to go feed his bird?!”

“Shut-up!” Sarah said throwing a wadded up napkin at Jason, “God you practically ruined this whole story!”

_“Okay, well I guess I’ll see you at work,” Sarah said a little confused as she grabbed her underwear off the floor._

_Just then Ethan stopped and turned, “About that, can we keep work out of this and this out of work,” he said gesturing back in forth between them._

_“Uh-yeah, no problem,” Sarah said with a conviction she didn’t have._

_Ethan nodded and left._

“We agreed no work talk at home and no personal talk to work friends or at work but we didn’t really discuss it, it happened and then he left.” Sarah said feeling a little empty.

Wheeler pointed to himself, “So I’m not even supposed to know?”

“Of course I was going to tell you! But yeah...you don’t know a thing,” Sarah said laughing.

She looked at him puzzled for a moment; she realized he wasn’t in scrubs.

“Are you working today?” she asked.

“Nope, but I will see you at the hospital later.There's a special patient I want to visit,” he said.

“Okay,” Sarah said.

He walked her out of her building; they parted ways as she headed to the bus stop. On the ride over, in between The Shins flowing through her ears, Sarah wondered how things would be when she saw Ethan at work. Sarah really didn’t have any idea what they were. She had never done anything like what she did last night and she certainly had never gotten physical with anyone that she wasn’t in a monogamous relationship with. Everything she did in her life was careful and calculated she had never given into passion or whimsical action in her life. She decided that it was okay for now, they could have a proper conversation about what they were or weren’t later, but fear crept into Sarah’s mind; what if he didn’t want anything from her except sex? When she got into the ED Ethan was already there and being put on a case. Maggie spotted Sarah.

“Reese, you’re with Ethan in Baghdad!” she yelled.

“Gulp,” Sarah said with a nod.

She rushed over to bed three and pulled a pair of latex gloves on to help Ethan suture a busted chin. The kid had split it after landing on the ground from being shot in the leg. The bullet had missed his femoral artery so they administered morphine so they could patch up the superficial wound before sending him up for surgery.

“Come here Reese,” Ethan said with that boom in his voice that made her feel weak, “I want you to finish these sutures,” he said.

She nodded after watching the graceful loops of his work hoping she could mimic it and keep up with him.

“Yeah, just, like, that,” he said over her shoulder watching her work.

Ethan couldn’t help but smile, he had set the rules but he loved flirting with her even if it was a little underhanded. Sarah blushed trying to not let flashes of her dining room table cloud her focus.

“We have an OR booked for you already, Doris is going to take you up now,” Sarah said reassuring the kid.

He just looked at her with his sleepy eyes as the morphine he was on pulled him in and out of lucidity. Sarah went over to the computers to type up the notes and treatment administered. She spotted Wheeler walking in.

“Hey,” Sarah said with a smile, “Are you here to visit your _special_ patient?” she said almost teasing him.

“Yeah, you should come with me I’d love to introduce you,” Jason said a little excited.

Sarah was for sure it was yet another guy he’d hooked up with or potentially wanted to. But before she could ask he said.

“Oh, there’s Dr. Gorgeous, I’m out...but meet me in the hall so we can go,” he said sliding away quickly just as Ethan approached.

“Wow Reese, can you be more obvious?” Ethan said with his voice lowered.

 “What? He doesn’t know a thing, he’s just scared of you Dr. Jekyll,” Sarah teased and ultimately lied.

Ethan scrunched his face in confusion.

“Listen, I’m not ashamed of what happened but you only have a few more days left in the ED and this,” he said motioning between the two of them, “Is kind of frowned upon,” he said his voice still lowered.

“You know speaking of this-“Sarah started but she was interrupted by Maggie.

“Incoming Dr. Choi! We have; multiple stab wounds,” Maggie yelled.

He gave Sarah a quick pat on the arm and sped over, “Where are we going Maggie?!” he asked.

Sarah’s shoulders slumped. It wasn’t the time or the place but dang did she want to know how he felt and better yet where they stood. She looked over and realized that Wheeler was motioning for her to hurry up and over. She rolled her eyes and walked over to him. They jumped on the elevator and headed up a few floors. To Sarah’s surprise they stopped at the pediatric wing of the hospital and headed toward oncology. They came to a room with about three beds in it. Wheeler put his hand up and handed Sarah a mask.

“I swear, if you give one of my little nuggets an infection I’ll shave your hair off,” he said with a humor in his tone but his eyes were dead serious.

“I know the protocol, sheesh,” Sarah said snatching the masking.

“WHEELER!” the little munchkin voices yelled in unison.

“Uh un,” he wagged his finger, “You know the drill. I can’t come in without the song,” he said with his mask muffling his voice as he put his hand up to his ear to listen.

Two of the kids got up and stood in line, one carrying their I.V. as they began singing the song The Wheels on The Bus. Jason walked in and joined them in their little conga line, the tiny girl still in bed clapped. He grabbed a coin from behind a little boy named Jack’s ear and handed it to him before pulling what seemed like miles of billowy scarf from Maddie’s nose. He walked over to the little girl called Kaitlin who couldn’t get out of bed and pulled a bouquet from behind his back and handed it to her. The little “nuggets” cheered as Sarah sat down on the girl’s bed to watch the next trick.

“Your hair is so pretty. Mommy says my hair looked like that but I don’t remember, it’s been a long time since I had hair,” Kaitlin said stroking Sarah’s curls.

Sarah could’ve cried but even under her mask she forced a smile at the little girl turning to pat her hand.

"Thank you," Sarah replied.

“Well your hair is going to look like that again!” Wheeler said excitedly.

“It will?!” Kaitlin asked, a little light brightening in her otherwise tired eyes.

“Yes because…,” Jason started.

“We are the mighty wheels on this bus!” they yelled.

“Because,” Jason said with his hand to his ear.

“We keep going!” the little munchkin voices yelled in unison.

“That’s right! Okay, mean nurse Lydia is giving me the stink eye so sing me out,” Jason said as he got up.

Sarah followed suit and they joined the little conga line out of the hospital room. They shut the door and Sarah turned to him.

“Oh my god Jason, I had no idea you came up here,” she said astonished.

“These guys are really special to me, Kaitlin especially, she was my first case in the ED. She came in after a fall and I took her scan, nothing was broken but it showed stage four bone cancer,” he said somberly but with a smile. “I visit her at least once a week sometimes more, the other nuggets have been here a just a couple of months.

“Wow, um-stage four that’s-“Sarah started.

“-I know and she wasn’t supposed to make it two months but here we are eleven months later and she is still alive. She has a surgery scheduled tomorrow. She’s going to beat this, have a long life with seven kids, all of whom she will name Jason.” He said almost stubbornly.

Sarah smiled as she hooked her arm around his. It was nice to see the other parts of the hospital and the other parts of her friend. She was definitely going to miss working side-by-side with him.

Sarah finished the rest of her shift with a bittersweet taste in her mouth; days like today were going to be the knife twisting into her heart when she had to report to pathology. How could anyone want to be down there when there was so much life happening up here? When she got outside she looked at the time on her phone ready to see when the next bus would arrive.

“I can take you home, I live that that way,” a familiar voice said.

Sarah turned to see Ethan smiling at her. She had to roll her eyes at the cheesy joke. She nodded and followed him to his jeep.

“Oh no bike today,” Sarah observed with a smile.

“What? Do you want another ride Sarah?” Ethan said tilting his head with that devilish grin.

She couldn’t help but blush but now was better than ever to discuss just that.

“Speaking of…um… rides-,"she started but was cut off by the weakest voice.

 

“Dr. Reese-,“ he said before he collapsed.


	10. We Can’t Always Fix Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan and Sarah finally talk about the status of their relationship and the last two days of the ED are upon Sarah, reminding her why she picked Pathology to begin with.

Sarah could barely make out his face before he fell to the ground. She ran over to try and help him up. It was Danny; dazed, pale, and apparently bleeding as the sticky substance clung his shirt to him. Ethan wasn’t far behind her as he draped one of Danny’s arms around his shoulder and they carried him into the ED. They got him onto a gurney and immediately Will came over to help. When they finally got to where they could see where the bleeding was coming from Sarah recognized it as the same spot on his back where she had scanned his chip. He looked like he was coming around again so Ethan and Will left her with him as it was obvious he was still really nervous around anyone but her.

            “Danny did you remove your chip…on your own?” Sarah asked heavily concerned.

Danny nodded before saying,

            “When I got to the shelter that night they were waiting for me, the security let me in and kept them out, but when I tried to get back in tonight they had bumped me for a family. I knew the only way to not be followed was to get rid of it…so I cut it out,” he explained shakily.

            “By yourself?!” Sara asked astonished.

Danny nodded and Sarah mouthed the words “oh my god” quietly while she grabbed some bandages after suturing his wound. The stitches looked good; Ethan would be proud.

            “Have you used the card I gave you? Talked to the police at all?” Sarah asked with concern in her eyes.

Danny looked away, slightly ashamed, but more than anything fearful. The helplessness that Sarah felt watching him leave with that evil woman was beginning to consume her again. Before it could take over she let the cogs in her head churn and start coming up with solutions.

            “We are going to get you patched up okay? I’ll be right back,” Sarah stood up and vacated the room.

She asked Doris to finish Danny’s bandages and she ran to the phone to start calling shelters. She found Home of Hopes and reserved him a spot. The shelter wasn’t ideal; it didn’t have the security on the outside and their rules were more relaxed than the previous place. It would hopefully serve him for the night until they could find something better the next day. Sarah was confirming a ride for him that she would pay for; she was excited to give him some good news at least for the night.

            “Okay Danny, Doris got your bandages finished, don’t worry about paying, I also have good news I know somewhere you can stay-,” Sarah started.

            “-With you?” Danny asked, sitting up excited.

Sarah’s face fell flat at his outburst and he immediately read her surprise.

“-Uh I don’t know how appropriate that would be,” Sarah answered apologetically, “But this shelter I called Home of--,” Sarah continued but was cut off again.

“-No, no more shelters, I know about the one you’re talking about, it’s a rat hole where people steal your stuff while you sleep, if you can sleep, at least I get paid when I’m forced to have sex,” he hissed.

Sarah nodded before saying,

            “Okay, let me try and find somewhere else. I’ll be right back,” she got up from the stool and exited the room on a mission.

She ran back out to the lobby and Ethan was still out there talking to Will but subsequently waiting on Sarah. He spotted her and walked over as she was headed back over to the computers and the phones.

            “Do you need a hand Sarah?” Ethan asked in that tone she wasn’t familiar with.

            “It’s the shelter I picked, it’s this messed up situation, its Danny…yeah, yeah I need help,” Sarah said frustrated.

Ethan looked at her a little confused before he moved closer to her, he wanted to place his hand at the small of back, give her a quick kiss, and tell her to take a deep breath and they would figure it out but the location was not lost on him; not here.

            “What’s wrong with the shelter?” he asked instead.

            “Danny said it’s dangerous, he wouldn’t be safe there, actually he asked if he could stay with me…and I think maybe I should, just for the night-,” Sarah started but was cut-off for third time tonight.

            “-Absolutely not,” Ethan practically yelled before he took a deep breath in, looking around, “I’m sorry that came off wrong, it’s just the kind of monsters that chip people, in that kind of business, they are dangerous Sarah. What if they follow you back to your apartment?” Ethan asked with that same tone she now understood was genuine concern.

            “I don’t think that’s going to happen because he took the chip out, they can’t track him now. I think maybe just for the one night,” Sarah started as she began walking back toward his room. 

“Sarah! Just wait, let me call some people at the VA and see if I can pull some strings at a place I know,” he practically begged.

Sarah nodded and walked over to Danny’s room, but when she opened the curtain he was gone.

            “Doris, where is the patient that was in here?” Sarah asked confused.

            “He left, he said you took care of the bill, and he was free to leave,” Doris answered with the same perplexity.

Sarah took off running towards the exits; hitting the pavement first north then south but Danny was nowhere to be found; Ethan wasn’t far behind her.

            “Dang it!” Sarah hissed in frustration, “He’s out there all alone now, thinking I don’t care, I have to find him,” Sarah said as she began walking.

            “Not alone,” Ethan said like a command.

They searched everywhere for him, going back to the homeless youth neighborhood that she and Wheeler originally looked for him at. No one had seen him and the helplessness Sarah felt inside was only rivaled by the guilt eating her up for not saying yes to allowing him to stay with her. She knew there were dangerous people after him but he was just a kid, he shouldn’t be on his own, he shouldn’t feel scared. More than anything Sarah felt guilty that he seemed to have put his trust in her and she let him down, she knew that feeling, the only person that had made her feel that way was her mother.

She and Ethan called it a night and he drove back to their building, their failure at not locating Danny sitting between them, eating up any space for discussion, especially that oh so important talk about what they were or what they weren’t. Ethan walked Sarah to her door, if this was a first date it wasn’t romantic and that feeling wasn’t completely lost on either of them.

            “Do you want to come in for a moment?” Sarah asked, even as tired as she was she could muster up a little energy to discuss last night’s event.

            “Honestly, I’d like to but I’m exhausted and…my bird,” Ethan said pointing up.

That damn bird again, Sarah hadn’t even seen a cage, and she was starting to believe it wasn’t even real, this mythical bird, just some excuse Ethan used on the women he was trying to escape. She nodded stiffly and walked into her apartment and headed straight to bed.

In all honesty Ethan would’ve stayed; the same night after having sex with Sarah he slept like a baby for the first time in months. All day long, even between the rush of each case coming into the ED, he could not help but wonder if being with her wasn’t granting him some strange kind of tranquility. He headed up and fed the little bird allowing it to fly some before going back into its cage. He crawled into bed and slept serenely again for the second night in a row.

Two days left in the ED and it was like watching the last bit of rope slowly disintegrate before falling miles into the abyss. The feeling continued to overwhelm Sarah as she tried her best to pretend that it didn’t. She would have random moments of dizziness and regret but ultimately she had to face facts; it was pathology or nothing and nothing terrified her more than pathology. She was having that internal discussion when Jason strolled up out of nowhere, coffee in hand, and whistling; his face fell a little at the sight of hers.

            “What’s wrong de-lovely?” he asked taking a sip of his morning brew.

            “Oh you know, just a little career trouble, and all kinds of boy trouble on all fronts,” Sarah said with a sigh.

            Jason rested his hand on his chest to signal himself but Sarah shook her head no.

            “No, not you, Ethan and….,” Sarah started, “Danny.”

The dead-panned serious look Wheeler always gave her rose across his face.

            “What about Danny? He’s safe at the shelter right?” he said concerned.

Sarah shook her head and filled Jason in on the events of the night before. She expected him to freak out but he actually just looked defeated.

            “Well we can add that to the list of horrible events unfolding around me,” he said drably.

Sarah looked up at him confused before asking,

            “What do you mean?”

            “Oh Rick is actually married….to a woman, he has two kids and is a miserable liar, Kaitlin’s platelet count was too low for surgery meaning she has to wait, which means her cancer gets to grow and spread, and now Danny is in the wind,” Jason said, a melancholy filling his eyes that Sarah had never seen before.

Sarah gave him a light rub on the back before they both headed back to their patients. The second to last day in the ED was filled with this feeling. Helplessness at not being able to do anything for the over-dosing teens, anger at the woman that went back to the spouse who broke her nose, and sadness over the elderly woman sent home when her husband’s heart attack took a turn for the worse and he wouldn’t be leaving or doing anything ever again. They couldn’t do anything to really help they couldn’t fix everything or really anything. Moments like this reminded Sarah why she had wanted to match with pathology in the first place. Life, it was too overwhelming but life was also too short and too crazy not to talk to Ethan so Sarah found him at the main desk.

“Can we talk about the other night?” she asked hastily.

Ethan’s face went a little white then almost annoyed.

            “Not here,” he said tightly, signing a form and handing it to a nurse.

Sarah felt brushed off again and she spent the rest of her shift in a huff, now completely sure that he was going to use the bird, or work, or anything else to not discuss it. She came to the conclusion that he really must've just used her.

Sarah stood outside after her shift ended. She was on her phone looking for the nearest car service to take her home; she didn’t feel like riding the bus tonight. 

            “Come on, I’ll take you home,” Ethan said coming up behind her.

“Oh I don’t know Ethan are you sure this is alright? I think the curb may still be hospital property,” Sarah grumbled.

“Can you handle this?” Ethan asked seriously.

“Why are you always asking me that?” Sarah asked; annoyed.

“Because it’s obvious that this isn’t your thing,” Ethan said with a shrug.

There it was, Sarah’s confirmation that “this” was just a casual thing for him and not much else. There probably was no bird and the dining table would be a one-time thing. This wasn’t Sarah; it was time to stop playing at whatever she was playing at and except her fate. No ED and no Ethan.

            “You’re right Ethan it’s not my thing,” she answered bitterly.

He gave a slight nod, with that impeccable jaw clenched, and walked to his car taking off before the Lyft Sarah ordered arrived.

When she got home she didn’t take off her jacket she just plopped down on the couch. Her mind kept bringing her back to Danny, where did he sleep? Who were his family? How on earth did he end up in the life he was in? Her preoccupation with him provided a useful distraction from Ethan and the reality that sometime in the future she would probably be hearing him again…but with another woman. There was a light tap on the door. Sarah got up to answer it without looking through the peep hole. It was Ethan.

            “Would you like to talk now Sarah?” he asked with that irresistible smirk.

She couldn’t deny that she did. Even if it led nowhere "it" probably should be addressed at some point. She let him in and took off her jacket, she walked into the kitchen and poured him a glass of water and made one for herself before moving them into her living room. He sat down, water in hand, watching her not unlike a cat again. He lifted his eyebrow towards her to signal that she could or should begin at any time. So Sarah started and just dove in,

“I don’t understand why you didn’t stay... after?” she blurted out.

“I told you, I needed to get some sleep,” Ethan answered a little confused with a shrug.

“You could’ve slept at my place…like _normal_ people,” Sarah said looking down, a little ashamed again that she wanted something she couldn’t have.

“I have trouble sleeping as it is and,” he said sliding over and towards her, his hand raising up to her chin, cradling it, ”We would’ve never been able to sleep,” he said grinning and pulling her into a kiss.

She hadn’t planned on kissing him again but the explanation worked…at least that part. Sarah could barely tear herself from the intoxication she felt under the spell of one of his kisses but she managed.

            “I meant it earlier, I don’t know if I can do… the casual thing. I can’t stand to hear you with other women but I cannot be in a sexual relationship with someone that is sleeping with other people.” Sarah admitted sadly.

Ethan nodded unable to really understand what even _he_ wanted to do. He knew he cared for her but he was also just getting out of a relationship and he wasn’t in a rush to be with anyone serious just yet. He also had to admit to himself that she had a point. He didn’t want to hear anything coming from her bedroom either but he also didn’t know if that was enough to really solidify a relationship, was jealously enough? It wasn’t for a healthy relationship. Sarah had her whole life ahead of her and pathology was waiting.

            “I can understand that,” he said finally breaking his silence, “To be honest the other night was not planned but I just got out of a relationship…so did you,” he said.

Sarah nodded, because it was true.

            “Is it possible to just enjoy this for what it is? To not put it under a microscope and study it and try and identify it before it’s anything yet?” he asked.

            “Is it possible for you to not be sleeping with multiple women?” Sarah said slightly accusingly.

Ethan’s face scrunched up in offense,

“You make me sound like some kind of jiggalo Sarah. I’ve actually never slept with more than one woman at _any_ given time,” he said with a smile but his brow was furrowed.

            “Sorry, it’s just that after what happened in your apartment and then that woman was over and-,” Sarah started.

            “-Ah ha! So you did call the police!” Ethan said his eyes excited.

Sarah looked up and over playing coy.

            “Like I said, maybe I did maybe I didn’t.” She smirked.

Ethan shook his head with a smile and placed his glass on the coffee table. He took her glass from her hand and repeated the motion.

            “What I did in my apartment is because of that exact attitude right there,” Ethan said leaning towards her again.

He was kissing her again, each twist of his tongue an incantation putting her under his influence; but Sarah wasn’t strong enough to not fall under the spell so she allowed it to take over. Making the home she desperately wanted in his mouth, really in his heart, but she would take this consolation prize, even if it went against her very core. He was unbuttoning her shirt and making no use of her bra as he unhooked it and tossed on the table. She pulled his shirt off allowing that moment to be the only separation of their faces as she found her addiction in his mouth again. He had his hand down her pants, using his fingers to press every button he knew that would turn her on. He pulled her jeans off and for a minute Sarah wondered if she should stop this. Nothing about the conversation pointed toward exclusivity or dating but she was caught in the web of lust. The magic tongue was on her neck as she fell under the spell again, against her couch. Ethan used the arm rest to pull himself into her. It was rougher than the last time but in the best way possible, a power quickie. Quickie or not it hadn’t stopped Ethan from finding her eyes so he could have what he wanted; his hips working furiously into her pelvis Sarah couldn’t resist it even if she wanted to. Their eyes met but there was no battle of the wits or wills just two people that couldn’t resist the other. The iris, amber, and leather laced itself around her face as their connection tangled and tied until Sarah unraveled and Ethan followed like clockwork. They lay there longer than the first time, finally Ethan got up and off of her and pulled up his pants; adorably one leg was still inside wrapped around his ankle. Sarah sat up immediately gaining her senses to ask Ethan;

            “What do you mean this attitude?” Sara said looking up at him while grabbing her bra.

Ethan smiled, “Just…you, everything has to be just so, sometimes things just need to flow, I mean haven’t you ever wanted to just watch something bloom because that’s what it does instead of cutting off the petals and dissecting it?” he asked.

Sarah shook her head in confusion.

            “I’m not sure what that has to do with you and whoever was upstairs,” Sarah said with a smirk.

Ethan let out a sigh and rolled his eyes, “We weren’t anything yet Sarah, it was a choice to try and get you out of my system,” he said taking a gulp of water and then wrapping his t-shirt around his chiseled torso.

There it was again the terrible reminder that they weren’t exclusive, they weren’t anything, and to top it off he was leaving again.

            “Really, you’re just walking out again?” she said astonished.

            “Yeah my-,” Ethan started, but Sarah cut him off by throwing a pillow at him.

            “-I swear if you mention that fake bird I might scream,” Sarah said angrily.

Ethan looked astonished and then he started laughing, “Put your clothes on and come upstairs with me,” he said shaking his head at her.

Sarah slid on her jeans and began buttoning her shirt. They walked up to Ethan’s place almost in silence, he was still smirking. He led her in by the hand and whistled. Sarah heard a muted whistle back and in his room, in a cage was the cutest little green bird. Sarah’s mouth dropped a bit and her cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Ethan looked back at her and smirked.

            “He doesn’t have a name yet but he’s still family,” he said.

He turned to her cupping her face, “And if you want you can stay, but I can’t promise we’ll sleep or I’ll sleep, but if you want you're welcome to.”

“So…what does this mean?” she asked.

“I don’t know are we going to watch this bloom or clip it and analyze it?”

Sarah hated how cute and seemingly rational he was being. It wasn’t her style but it was a step in the right direction. He was still cupping her jaw waiting for her response. She puffed her lips out in an exhausted raspberry.

            “Where do you keep your pajamas?” she asked with a smirk.


	11. Last Day in the ED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its Sarah’s last day working in the ED and anything can happen....

Ethan had been having trouble sleeping on and off for months. Games, his punching bag, running, and even opening his windows to let in the noise of the city had been his only coping mechanisms. So it came as a surprise to him that he slept so soundly the last two nights and even sounder with Sarah next to him; until she wasn’t. She was up and unable to sleep; her vacancy felt like a cold chill beside him. He got up and found her in his kitchen; she was looking through his cabinets. He cleared his throat to let her know of his presence.

            “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” She asked coming down off her tiptoes and turning to him. She had on an oversize t-shirt; one of his, and nothing else. Her loose curls wild, framing her face; it was clear to him that even as beautiful as she looked in the moment, she hadn’t slept, or if she had it wasn’t well. He shook his head and sauntered over to her.

            “Can I help you find something?” he asked with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

It dawned on Sarah again that it probably looked a little paranoid, her, searching through his cabinets at three in the morning. Sarah blushed.

            “I wanted to make a cup of tea,” she said answered apologetically.

Ethan nodded and opened the cabinets where he kept his mugs and a vast array of teas and coffee in his cabinet. He filled the kettle and then turned to her, picking up her hand to partially hold it.

            “Normally I’m the one up and walking around at this time, but imagine my surprise at seeing you awake,” he said with a grin, “Why can’t you sleep?” he asked in that concerned tone she was still getting used to hearing from him.

Sarah looked away, a little ashamed, until Ethan brought his hand up to her chin.

            “Sarah,” Ethan said bringing her gaze back to him.

            “Pathology; tomorrow is my last day in the ED and I picked wrong Ethan,” she answered looking back down.

The tea kettle whistled and Ethan dropped his hand from her face and grabbed the kettle to remove it from the flame. He filled a glass mug and handed it to Sarah.

            “Thanks,” she said but her eyes were somewhere else again.

            “Is that all it is Sarah?” Ethan asked again studying her face, her eyes.

Sarah looked up again meeting the rich darkness of his eyes, filled with concern.

            “How am I supposed to help people, people like Danny, when I’m in the lab? He’s still out there probably scared. I failed him, it’s not how I wanted my last days to be…,” she said trailing off and looking back down.

Ethan moved closer and pulled her into a hug, her soft curls tickling his bare chest.

            “C’mon, we can’t face what isn’t actually in front of us, let’s get some sleep…bring your tea,” he said with a grin.

He led her back into bed; pulling her toward his hard chest, spooning her. His arms felt like a protective field from all of it and within that space she was safe; from worry, from doubt, from Pathology. The protective field of iris and amber is what she lay upon; finally guiding her to sleep. When they awoke it felt like minutes later, Ethan’s arms still around her, but he had a finger looped around one of her curls. The nameless little bird in the cage was reacting to the alarm. They both let out the faintest of grumbles as it was clear morning was arriving much too soon.

            “I need a shower,” Sarah groaned as she began to move but Ethan tightened his hold on her.

“Me too, we could _earn_ it,” he said moving her hair to kiss her neck.

            “I actually need to wash my hair,” she said as her eyes rolled back into her head under the intoxication of his kiss.

            “I can wash it for you,” he said with a light tug on her ear lobe with his teeth.

            “Sure you can,” Sarah answered barely escaping the headiness of his caress, “I still need to get clothes.”

            “Wear mine downstairs,” he said moving his hand to her legs.

            “Ethan,” Sarah answered with a frustrated smile.

            “Yes,” he said innocently.

Sarah pulled away and sat up, her curls cascading down her back, but she turned to look at him.

            “I’ll settle for a ride,” she said with a smile.

            “That’s what I’m trying to do Sarah,” Ethan said using his powerful arms to pull at her waist, she fell against the bed again.

“To work,” she giggled as he spottily patched her face with kisses.

He planted one more of the intoxicating kisses on her lips and gave a small groan.

            “Fine,” he said defeated but with a smile, as he watched her stand and pull off the large shirt she’d borrowed from him.

Sarah walked downstairs but ran into a familiar face; it was Jason, outside her door knocking.

            “Jason? What are you doing here?” she asked smiling.

He turned with a Cheshire style grin on his face watching Sarah arrive from her location.

            “What are you _not_ doing here? I’d ask you where you’re coming from but I think I can guess,” he said shaking his head with a smile and looking her up and down.

Sarah blushed and shrugged opening the door to her apartment and letting him in.

            “I needed to get a shower and a change of clothes,” Sarah replied sheepishly.

Jason laughed as Sarah pulled her keys out to unlock the door. The faintest waft of day old booze graced her nostrils. Jason had been out drinking again. She went to the kitchen and grabbed down a set of vegan muffins from atop her pantry, she immediately offered Jason one to sober him up.

            “Coffee?” she said as she pulled the filters down.

He nodded and sat at her breakfast bar looking through a medical journal on the counter. _Pathology Today,_ it sent a shiver down her spine. Wheeler noticed the look she had at the magazine.

            “You start on Monday huh?” Jason said gumming at the muffin.

Sarah shrugged but the disappointment was all over her face as she slid a mug in front of him.

            “Yeah, I have to report to Dr. Shore on Monday but I think that I’m going to go down there today and meet her beforehand….maybe try and figure out what to do next,” Sarah said despondently as she poured a cup of coffee for herself.

The caffeine was much needed. She headed to her bedroom with the drink in hand.

            “What are you doing by so early?” Sarah yelled as she took her clothes off and wrapped her robe around her.

            “Well, I know it’s your last day in the ED and I wanted to go in together, maybe get a drink or dinner afterwards, you know solidify this whole bromance we got going on,” he said flipping through the magazine and sipping his coffee.

            “Actually….Ethan is going to take me to work today,” Sarah said sheepishly as she headed to her bathroom.

            “I knew it! You’re just like my friends in high school!” Jason yelled over the shower water, “Ditched me as soon as they got a boyfriend,” he said pouting and stuffing the rest of his vegan muffin in his mouth.

Sarah popped her head around the corner of the bathroom door,

“Hey! I’m no flake, I promised remember?” she said jokingly offended, “We’ll get dinner tonight after work; you pick.”

            “Okay…you better not bail!” he yelled over to her as he was getting up.

            “You just make sure they have a decent vegetarian option!” She yelled from the bathroom as the suds rushed into her mouth.

Sarah finished her shower, brushed her teeth, and put on her scrubs to get ready for her last day in the ED, but as the seconds closed in before Ethan knocked on her door to pick her up an uneasiness was setting in that she couldn’t quite place. They walked down to the jeep, Ethan was his usual stoic self, but Sarah was lost in thought as the overwhelming feeling of uneasiness kept growing as the miles closed in towards Gaffney. Ethan parked and leaned over towards Sarah. He pulled her chin in and kissed her, long, passionately, each tickle of his tongue against hers a snap of magic, each taste of his lips like pomegranate from the forbidden god across from her, dragging her to an unknown place. But unfortunately this was not the place or the time to explore the kingdom of Ethan; they were in the parking lot.

            “Hmm, what was that for?” Sarah said opening her eyes slowly, not wanting the reality to replace the dream.

“To hold me over, but I guess after today I can do that in even at Med,” Ethan said smiling and tracing her lips with his thumb.

Yup, this was the reality, they were at Med, this was Sarah’s last day in the ED and they could pursue their relationship publicly. Had two weeks really gone by that fast?

“True,” she said shrugging and nodding with a somber smile.

“See it’s not all bad,” Ethan replied grabbing his book bag from the back.

“You’re right Ethan, making out with you at Med is definitely worth the trade of being placed in the wrong residency program,” Sarah answered sarcastically; the uneasiness was transitioning to something else.

Ethan just laughed. But then Sarah looked over at him, serious, and a little frightened.

            “Did you always know?” she asked as he was beginning to open the door.

            “That I wanted to work in trauma?” Ethan said back.

Sarah nodded.

            “Yeah, always, and I’ve never had any doubt that saving lives was what I wanted to do,” he replied earnestly.

Sarah rolled her eyes her envy surfacing for the first time. Ethan just absorbed the look. There wasn’t anything he could do about it, he knew his calling, and had known it for years. He didn’t really know what it would be like to be in the wrong program, but he had tried to talk her out of it and now it was time to face facts and pay the piper. They arrived at the double doors of Gaffney and walked in, the steel soldier was like a mask that Ethan put on when he was ready to be focused; ready to work. Sarah didn’t have that, but something was building in her that she couldn’t place. Agitation. Rage.

She was envious watching Ethan and Dr. Halstead calling the shots and working with patients. She knew that would never be her. She’d been asked to assist a case alongside Dr. Rhodes. The man was in horrible shape and it seemed almost mysterious until Sarah spotted what looked like an infected pimple but she knew better and so did Dr. Rhodes when she pointed to it. They immediately got the man up to the OR, it was necrotizing fasciitis, and he had gone to his primary but the doctor had misdiagnosed it. Sarah was sick to her stomach with rage as she tried to channel it into being supportive of his partner who was completely distraught. The surgeons worked frantically and ultimately ineffectively to try and cut out the infected portions. Sarah came in to get an update from doctors Rhodes and Zanetti about the patient. She wasn’t particularly fond of Zanetti, and it was her last day so she decided she didn’t care about rank or hierarchy.

            “The patient’s partner would like an update,” Sarah said succinctly.

            “We are still working,” Zanetti hissed.

            “Dr. Rhodes?” Sarah started, ignoring Dr. Zanetti, “Is that what I’m saying?”

Zanetti scoffed as Connor answered yes, and Sarah walked down the corridor; pissed off and seething like a rabid dog.

She found the man’s partner and updated him, knowing full well that a recovery of any sort was not likely. When she turned the corner she saw his primary doctor in the ED, he seemed perplexed that his patient’s conditioned had been diagnosed as flesh-eating bacteria.

“He wasn’t diabetic, it presented as a superficial skin infection, no fever, and he wasn’t in renal failure. I gave him the standard and sent him on his way….,” said a sadden Dr. Unger to his colleague Dr. Charles as they walked upstairs.

They appeared to be heading to Dr. Charles’ office and Sarah had a target on his back as she watched him walk up, alive, and getting to enjoy another day at being a doctor; still allowed to treat patients.

            “I’m going to report him, at the very least he shouldn’t get to have privileges here,” Sarah grumbled glaring at him.

            “Whoa there med student, I’m sure he did what he thought was the right thing to do at the time,” Will said coming up behind her.

            “What?-like you did with Jennifer Baker?” Sarah snapped back.

            “Excuse me?” Will said his brow furrowed looking at Sarah.

            “No, _excuse_ me,” Sarah said walking away in a huff.

Ethan was not far away from them watching the entire ordeal as Will turned to follow her and correct her behavior. His eyes met with Ethan’s as Ethan quickly shook his head and put his hand up to let Will know that he would “handle it.” He swiftly walked up behind Sarah and asked to speak to her; pulling her into the medical supply closet.

 “Ethan?” Sarah asked.

He had that stone look on his face before he replied.

“What’s going on with you? You seem to be on some kind of warpath, is this about pathology?-” Ethan started.

Sarah rolled her eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, “Its trauma Ethan, fast paced and precise, right?” she answered glibly.

Ethan narrowed his eyes.

“That man had a chance at keeping his arm! His life! But that doctor missed it and somehow I’m the bad guy, Dr. Rhodes saw it, I saw it, so I did what I needed to do!” Sarah said as she began to advance forward but Ethan grabbed her arm

 “You should tread lightly when you are talking to your superiors Reese. Try using some respect,” he said incensed.

“Oh don’t start with that solider crap you know I was right!” she hissed.

“Don’t you _dare_ talk about my service like that. This is about integrity, respect, and following some kind of order that doesn’t bash a seasoned doctor. It’s not a med students place to handle him _or_ Dr. Halstead,” Ethan said snapping back.

“ _Right_ Ethan, the heroes of the ED,” Sarah answered flatly.

“We all try our best Reese, mistakes happen, but I’m going to tell you this, _we_ “ _heroes”_ in this ED are not going to pay for _your_ mistake,” Ethan said shaking his head.

Sarah felt like the wind had been knocked out of her and he could see it in her eyes too.

“My mistake?” Sarah said slightly confused.

“You need to figure out this match mess before you have more than one to clean up,” Ethan said softening his tone but his eyes were still perturbed.

“What? Are _you_ my mess now too? Are you breaking up with me? _Oh_ that’s right we aren’t actually anything,” she sneered.

“I thought we agreed to not bring our personal relationship here,” he said a frustration growing in his tone escalating to anger.

“Would it be so bad? Huh Ethan? What’s so wrong with me that you decided that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t even be your girlfriend?!” she yelled.

He clenched his jaw unable to keep his contempt for the spiraling situation to himself.

“I’m not talking about this here,” Ethan said looking angry but somewhat defeated, “This was a terrible idea, you can’t handle this; you can’t handle anything.” He said scoffing, and began walking out of the closet.

“DON’T!” she yelled, “Don’t treat me like I’m the one that can’t handle this, you’re the one ALWAYS running! Tell me Ethan, what keeps you up at night? HUH?!”  She yelled at his back.

The door swung shut as Ethan passed through it.

            _“Jesus Sarah what are you doing?! Why are you pushing Ethan away?_ She thought staring at the door. She let out a frustrated breath and went to check the flesh-eating-bacteria-patient’s record. Just like she expected; he had died and they were already taking his body down to the morgue to perform the autopsy. They already knew the cause of death but the lab would want to grab samples from the deceased. Considering Sarah had all but alienated everyone in the ED it seemed like a good time to go down to the lab and meet Dr. Shore.

 “Hey Sarah, I was hoping we would have seen you sooner after match day,” Dr. Shore stated looking up from her microscope.

Sarah nodded ashamed; she didn’t want to be here. She stood up and they walked to the hallway as Dr. Shore casually strolled up and then behind a rolling table; with a body bag upon it.

“I’d love to give you a tour of the entire lab,” she said pushing the gurney into the double doors of the morgue.

Dr. Shore brought in the body and looked to an orderly named Mel. He was tagging toes but he stopped and looked up to give Sarah a smile, the macabre work seemingly not affecting him.

“This guy came in this morning, we don’t have an I.D. yet,” she said unzipping the bag and then handing Mel the paperwork.

Sarah stood there watching the process taking it in and trying her best to pretend that the entire ordeal wasn’t boring until Mel moved away from the body and she was staring at the John Doe, but it wasn’t a John Doe because John Does have no names, no identities, and that body had a name.

            “Sarah? Did you hear me? I wanted to take you up to the lab next,” Nina said.

Sarah couldn’t hear anything and soon no one else could either as the blood curdling screams filled the quiet morgue and then the hall. Because on that cold slab, in that black body bag, covered in grey, blue, and yellow bruises; lay Danny's lifeless cold body.

…

The moments in between were a blur of questions; people racing around her asking if she was alright. The only voice that broke through was Jason’s but he was crying too and they were clenched in embrace in the hall. This was her final day in the ED; _this_. She and Wheeler left and instead of dinner they sat at Molly’s. Sarah had a glass of water in front her, untouched but Wheeler had been pounding shots. Finally coming out of her shock, Sarah sat looking at the table, assessing empty glass after glass in front of a silent Wheeler. He was in an identical place the same one that she was in but he was not snapping out of it.

            “Maybe, you should slow down,” Sarah said her words not penetrating through either of their grief.

He looked over in that dead serious look he always gave her but there was no humor is his glassy eyes, just contempt and emptiness.

“God Sarah, you make me sound like an alcoholic,” he said as he grabbed one of the full shot glasses and sank it to the back of his throat,  “I’m young and it’s only a couple of drinks,” he remarked but is words were laced with venom.

“Like this morning? I could smell it on you before you got into work Jason,” Sarah said but with her voice lowered.

He just rolled his eyes at her; pursing his lips in disapproval at her judgment.

            “Figure out your own mess before trying to figure out mine.” Jason said getting up and drinking the rest of his drink.

            “I just want to help,” Sarah said apologetically.

            “Like you helped Danny?” he hissed shaking his head and walking away from the table.

That was the final straw. Sarah sat there for a moment trying to recover from the verbal gut-punch but she needed to be alone. Not in full view of Molly’s patrons; watching her fall apart. She got up and paid for her drink and went to the bus stop. The last day of her ED had turned into a day from hell, she had managed to anger everyone she cared about or respected and she found out Danny was dead.

Each confrontation or revelation had been a stone. The last, being Danny’s death,  added to the guilt stone as it wrapped around her proverbial ankle; dragging her to the depths of her pain; a flowing river filled with toil and tears. Holding it in was no longer an option as she sobbed into her pillow, now curled up in bed.

Nothing could break through this grief until there was a pounding at her door. Sarah didn’t bother looking through the peep hole; her eyes were blurry and puffy from crying. When she opened it there stood one of the last people she expected to see; Ethan.

“What are you doing here?” Sarah said sniffling and looking away from his gaze.

Ethan’s heart broke seeing her like that, “I can hear you crying from in my bedroom,” he said exhaling.

            “I’m sorry, I’ll try and keep it down,” she said with a whimper as she went to close the door but Ethan placed his hand on it stopping it.

            “Sarah, I didn’t come down here to tell you to keep it down,” he said the concern flooding his eyes, “I heard about Danny, I wanted to see if you were okay,” he said.

Sarah wiped away a burgeoning tear coming down her eye.

            “I didn’t think I would matter much to you after how I acted today,” she answered ashamed, but letting him into her apartment.

 “It matters because you matter…to me,” he started, “What you saw today can be haunting, I know because I’ve seen it too and I know how it sears into the mind, it’s what keeps me up at night.”

They had walked into Sarah’s living room and were now sitting on her couch. Sarah had her knees tucked into her chest. She felt ashamed again at his confession, she felt like she forced it out of him.

            “And I was wrong, you’re not like me, you’re stronger. You can handle it,” Ethan said using his hand to brush the side of her curls from her face.

            “I don’t know, maybe you were right, I’m really sorry about today,” she said sniffling.

            “Yeah,” he said with a shrug, “I don’t know either, but I don’t want to keep going back and forth with it,” Ethan said with an exhausted exhale, “Maybe we should just go back to our original game.” He admitted.

Sarah looked up confused as she furrowed her brow at him.

            “The one where I get to hear you have sex with other _women_?” she seethed through her red eyes.

He smiled and shook his head no as he pulled his cell phone from his back pocket. He tapped a couple of buttons and then turned the phone to show her.

“Who knew you were the source of company for me during my insomnia and also the solution for it.”

He held up his phone to show their ongoing game, “Your move,” he said with a smile.

She saw the game and the name SawBoat312. She smiled through her tears as her eyes widened at the revelation, she moved over to him to give him a kiss as she wrapped her arms around him. She could have stayed in that hug forever, its protective field a place where she could forget the events of the day.

She curled up against him, his head resting atop hers as the field of iris and amber welcomed her home and eventually to sleep.


	12. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stability is the cornerstone to any relationship and after Danny’s death Ethan wants Sarah to feel some. Meanwhile Jason’s behavior continues to worry Sarah and someone from Ethan’s not so distant past reappears.

Sarah woke up still curled up on the sofa but the field was clear, there was no iris, no amber, and no leather. It was Saturday morning and she had slept in. Her tears sealing her eyes shut against the safety net that was Ethan but he was nowhere to be found. Sarah rubbed her eyes, trying in vain, to clear them until she heard the knob on the door twist open. It was Ethan with two cups of coffee in the glass mugs from his place; he had a bag hanging from his wrist; the contents unknown, to her surprise she wasn’t abandoned for a bird or anyone else.

            “You know, I have coffee,” Sarah said groggily sitting up.

Ethan turned around a little surprised at her voice, “Yeah, I saw what you consider coffee and …just no,” he said with a laugh.

            “Hey,” Sarah whined with a smile, but her eyes immediately went to the bag, “What’s in the bag?” she asked.

            “I’m going to make you breakfast,” he said with a smile as he set the cloth sack on her counter.

He pulled out a small clear bag of muesli mix, a medley of berries, organic honey, and a small cup of Greek yogurt and whole cucumbers. Sarah liked what she saw but she was surprised by the vegetables.

            “I can’t say that I’ve had cucumbers in my cereal before, but I’m up for trying anything,” she said half-teasingly.

            “I can’t say that I have either,” Ethan started, “I actually got them for your eyes,” he said apologetically.

Sarah looked down at the tip of her thumb; she sometimes chewed on it when she was nervous. It looked appetizing again. For a brief moment she had forgotten that she had all but cried herself to sleep. Ethan’s embrace had temporarily shielded her from grief but standing across from him in that moment was the reality that Danny was gone _and_ she was on the outs Jason.

            “How are you today,” he asked still remorsefully, but he was searching her eyes for the truth.

Sarah just shrugged because to be honest she just felt numb and helpless. So many things were happening around her that she couldn’t control and they were happening _to_ her.

            “I’ll be okay. I wish that I could say the same for what’s going on between me and Jason,” she answered sadly.

Ethan had pulled a small sauce pan from her cupboard and was heating up some water before grabbing a cutting board to slice the cucumber. He pushed her coffee towards her as he raised his coffee to his lips. He was still staring at her with concern before the look shifted towards inquisitive.

            “What’s going on with you and Jason,” he asked.

There was the smallest hint of frustration in his voice, an obvious remnant of his thoughts of Jason when he believed he was sleeping with Sarah, and being a loud drunk causing a ruckus. 

Sarah looked away again snatching two cucumbers and her coffee before walking to her reading nook to lie upon her chaise. She felt bad talking about Jason’s flaws when she knew that both Ethan and Will had tired of his antics and poor behavior in the ED.

            “We had a disagreement, it was just grief,” Sarah admitted, talking around Wheeler’s cruel words.

            “Yeah, I know what that can be like when _people_ say things they don’t mean out of untamed emotion,” Ethan said while sorting the berries.

Sarah could hear his emphasis on the word “people” and she removed a cucumber to look over at him. He gave her a half-smile and turned to mix the dry muesli into the boiling water.

            “I don’t know if I can forgive him,” Sarah said seriously.

            “Well, that is definitely up to you, but when people matter to us we figure out a way to forgive,” Ethan said somberly.

Sarah felt a pang of guilt again as she thought about her harsh words to Ethan and Will, if they could lend her some grace how she could she not lend some to Jason? He was her friend and he had been supportive through her wild behavior, it was only fair, it was only right. Sarah let the coolness of the cucumbers sooth her eyelids as the caffeine from the coffee was helping to return her to some sort of stasis. She heard the ting of her flatware hit the dining room table as Ethan set down a small bowl of the hot cereal with a dollop of Greek yogurt. Sarah sat up letting the cucumber slices fall into her lap. She smiled at his formality as he was folding a cloth napkin.

            “Wow, I’m impressed, the dining room table and everything,” Sarah said teasingly as she stood up.

            “Isn’t this where you like it?” Ethan said with smirk.

The only thing redder than Sarah’s face was the strawberries and raspberries in her bowl. Ethan pulled out her chair and then gave her a quick peck on the forehead. He walked back into the kitchen and turned on the water to begin washing the saucepan. Sarah turned and looked at him.

            “Are you not joining me?”

He shook his head no, “I had a protein shake earlier, I’m actually going to go for a run,” he said while rinsing the knife and the cutting board.

He gave Sarah another quick peck and then went upstairs to prepare for his workout. Sarah sat at the table finishing her cereal before getting in the shower. The cucumbers had helped but her eyes were still puffy. Her grief brought her back to her feelings of Danny, and then to Jason. She needed to make up with him; he was her only friend and he had been a great friend to her until yesterday.

…

Wheeler lived about twenty minutes from Sarah. His building wasn’t nearly as nice or as large as the one Ethan and Sarah lived in but the neighborhood was fairly safe and the bus from Sarah’s place to his was convenient. Sarah climbed the stairs of the historic building. Its character clashing with the cheapness of modern renovation, obvious updated building codes. She knocked on the door, almost wondering if he’d answer it if he knew who was waiting.

“Sarah,” he looked a little surprised but more than anything sad.

Sarah tucked her hands into her coat pocket after knocking on the door. She still felt a little apprehensive at being at Jason’s place. He had hurt her pretty badly with that comment but she was willing to be the bigger person.

            “I didn’t think I’d see you after what I said at the bar,” Jason said, his eyes cast down in shame.

“Yeah, that hurt, but I made a promise remember? Besides, it’s not fair for me to treat everyone like crap in the ED and then not forgive you,” she said with a wave of her hand and a somber smile.

            “I’m really sorry Sarah,” he said finally looking her in the eye but there was something missing.

            “Are you going to invite me in?” Sarah said with a reassuring smile; looking past his shoulder.

He looked ashamed again, pulling the door behind him.

             “Um, actually it’s not a good time, do you want to get out of here, maybe grab some lunch?” he asked a small glint of light appearing in his eyes.

Sarah nodded. He ran back into his apartment shutting the door quickly but for a brief second Sarah could see piles of clothes all over the floor in what looked like his living room, take out boxes, and wrappers littered the floor on any available space and surface that wasn’t covered in junk mail or crushed beer bottles. Danny had only been dead a day; this mess had to be weeks old. He appeared a few seconds later locking up. Sarah looked away; she didn’t want him to feel embarrassed about his apartment.                                       

 _“Not everyone is hyper-clean like you or Ethan,”_ Sarah thought chastising herself for thinking once again like her mother.

They leisurely strolled over to a restaurant called Melrose. Sarah was still kind of full from the breakfast Ethan made her so she just munched on a fruit and cheese plate that she planned on taking home to eat later. They caught up over the events that led to their fall out; speculating on how and when Danny had passed. The macabre conversation topic was sad but Sarah couldn’t help but notice that he was ordering drinks again. It was only one o’clock in the afternoon.

            “So, have you heard anything new about Kaitlin’s condition?” Sarah asked hopefully and switching the subject.

Jason took a sip from his vodka-soda; he had hardly touched his sandwich and was just playing with his Parmesan French fries.

            “Yeah, her platelets are back up, but the cancer has grown more, she’s in so much pain that she can’t even get out of bed,” he answered his eyes journeying somewhere far, dark, and hopeless.

            “What does the oncologist say?” Sarah asked sitting up.

            “Six days, six weeks, six months,” Jason shrugged, “He doesn’t know,” Jason answered bitterly as he chugged the rest of his drink.

He lifted his finger to order another when he had the server’s attention. Sarah was concerned again but she tried not to “mom” him.

            “You don’t work today do you?” she asked eyeing the empty glass.

            “Do you?” he sassed back quickly.

Sarah all but glared at him, “No, after Dr. Shore saw me have a complete breakdown in front of a good chunk of the staff she said I could defer a week before reporting to the lab.”

            “No,” he exhaled defeated, “I don’t work today. I’m going to spend the afternoon going through some things that I want to donate to charity, mostly old clothes from college and some of my furniture.” He answered almost apologetically.

            “A new start?” Sarah asked.

            “Yeah, yeah something like that,” he answered almost somberly.

Sarah nodded as the server put her check down. His obvious alcoholism was off the table for discussion. She could report him but he wasn’t working and hadn’t actually done any real harm but more than that she was just flat out worried.

            “Well I don’t have any plans this afternoon I could help you,” Sarah offered.

Jason looked thrown off then ashamed again, it was obvious that he didn’t want Sarah to see the full extent of the mess in his apartment.

            “No, but thanks, I got most of it. I just have to walk it down. The charity is picking up the furniture so it’ll all ride on the truck,” he said sheepishly but then a flicker of the old Jason returned. “You’re not seeing a certain _neighbor_ this evening?” he said with a grin.

Sarah blushed, “Actually he was over this morning, he made me breakfast.” Sarah answered while signing her check.

Jason smiled as he got up leaving his untouched food and a large cash tip. They walked out of the restaurant hugged quickly and walked opposite directions to their respective apartments. Sarah was happy that they seemed in a better place but she couldn’t help the nagging feeling inside that there was something serious going on with Jason. He was normally funny, a little dramatic, but always hopeful, always trying, but that light seemed dimmer like it was going out. She had no idea how to approach it without offending him, especially in regards to the drinking; it was getting out of hand.

Sarah climbed the stairs to apartment but as she was nearing her door she spotted a single orchid in a vase on her doorstep. A little note attached said _,_

_“Set this to the east for the best light, then when the sun goes down; come up to my place for dinner.”_

_-E_

_“Was this their first date?”_ Sarah wondered as she smiled at the card.

She picked up the pot and took it inside placing it on the ledge in her bedroom. She turned on some music and then the news. She didn’t want to presume that it was a date as she looked through her closet but then what if it was? What if he was finally going to commit? What if he wanted to make sure they were exclusive? These questions were popping up repetitively through her head as the sun went down and her anticipation for going up to his place for dinner drew near. Sarah had decided to change, but not into anything provocative. She only changed her t-shirt to an oversized sweater. Ethan kept his apartment colder than she kept hers; all a part of that typical male aesthetic. He answered the door fairly quicker than her other visits, pulling her in by her waist to give her a kiss on the cheek.

            “I hope you’re hungry,” he said with a smile.

The air in his apartment was infused with garlic, cinnamon, and roasted onions. Sarah couldn’t place the other fragrant but it was lovely, soft, like what jewels would smell like if they had an aroma. He offered her a glass of tea.

            “Whatever you’re cooking smells amazing,” Sarah said but she was curious, “What did you put in it?”

Ethan smiled as his shoulders fell a little, “Don’t worry, there isn’t any meat in it,” he said reassuringly.

            “I don’t think I ever told you I was a vegetarian,” she said with that same curious look and tone.

Ethan smile again as he handed her a plate.

            “Do you remember when Connor bought us all lunch from that Brazilian food truck?” he asked as he handed her a cloth napkin.

Sarah nodded still looking at him interrogatively but with a smile.

            “You were the only one to order a garden salad…from a Brazilian food truck,” he laughed.

He sat down next to her as they ate the splendor that was his cooking. He explained how his parents were both great cooks but he didn’t really get “the gift” however he could make a few dishes really well and his mother assured him that that was all that really mattered. The dinner they were eating was one of her recipes but she was really bad at naming them so it had no title.

            “When I was a little boy, I would ask her to make the dish that tickled my nose,” he said describing the aroma from the food they were eating.

            “So we’re eating nose-tickler,” Sarah said as she burst out laughing.

Ethan laughed too as he cleared their plates. Sarah headed into his living room with her glass of wine that she had traded her tea for half-way through the meal. She thought about a young Ethan, and what that even looked like. He was steel and concrete. The idea that he had once been just metal scraps and pebbles brought a smile to her face as she sat on his couch. He had a game of scrabble on his table and Sarah looked down at a particularly long word she didn’t recognize on the board.

            “You’re lucky you’re not playing this game against me because this made up word wouldn’t fly,” Sarah said with a laugh.

Ethan’s brow furrowed as he wiped his hands on small towel, setting it upon the counter as he walked around it. He looked at the board.

            “That’s a word,” he said scoffing.

Sarah turned her dictionary app on her phone over to him so he could see the “no results found” statement in the search engine.

            “That’s because it hasn’t made it there yet. It’s a treatment for an infectious disease in its last trial,” he smirked.

Sarah rolled her eyes, “We’d be calling Hasbro to discuss it, if this was my game,” she said smirking back at him.

Ethan had closed in the space between them his lips going in for a kiss.

            “Is that right?” he said before he pushed his lips to her.

There it was, if Sarah hadn’t kissed him sober before this moment she could have sworn that it was the wine, but there it was again his soul-stirring-hypnotizing tongue that produced such a fantastic visceral reaction from her. He pulled away and took her wine glass from her; placing it down on the table. As he moved them to his couch, he pulled her face into another kiss as he slowly sprinkled kisses down her neck; the move pushed her to lie down against his couch.

            “You know, I’m not opposed to the bed, you know like normal couples,” she said between breaths when she could gather her rationale.

            “You’re plucking the petals from the flower again Sarah,” he said before switching to the other side of her neck.

Her eyes closed at the heat from his mouth on her neck.

            “Thank you,” she moaned out.

            “For?” he said asked pulling her chin to the center so he could look at her eyes.

            “The flower, breakfast, last night, everything...” Sarah said answered, “You know all of it is awful confusing to a girl, I mean flowers are what boyfriends do,” she smirked.

Ethan smiled back before answering.

            “Breakfast was to remind you that I’m not going anywhere,” he said as he moved a stray curl from her face, “And the flower is to remind you to see the beauty in something that’s bloomed,” he said as he cradled her chin placing another kiss on her lips.

            “And dinner?” she said with a smile.

            “Oh that was to get you here to do this,” he said with a laugh.

Sarah had to laugh too as she lifted her chin to kiss him and resume where she hoped it was going. His hands were under her oversized sweater beginning to undo her bra when a knock came at the door.

             “You call the police again?” he teased.

             “I told you, you have no proof that it was me,” she said with a sly smile.

Ethan released a deep sigh hating to end the moment as he jumped up to answer the door.

            “Maybe its Hasbro,” Sarah teased as she started to sit up.

             “Vicky?” Ethan said astonished.

             “Hey Ethan, can we talk?”

Sarah sat up adjusting her bra into place at the sound of Vicky’s voice. Ethan looked dumbfounded at her. He really hadn’t expected to see her; really ever again. Vicky walked in and was a little surprise at the sight of Sarah.

            “Dr. Reese,” she said with that closed mouth smile and those intense almond eyes.

            “Dr. Glass,” Sarah said greeting her, but her cheeks burned.

Ethan and Vicky were broken up but Sarah was back to feeling guilty again; like she was the other woman.

            “I’m sorry for the intrusion, but-,”she said stepping closer to Ethan. “Is it possible for us to speak in private?”

Ethan looked over at Sarah who was already getting up and slipping on her shoes. His eyes were apologetic as Sarah walked over to the door, awkwardly hesitating at what to say or do. She was wanted to kiss him goodbye but the tension in the room could’ve been cut with a knife and even a small peck would be like adding gasoline to a fire so she just walked out.

            “ _What in the world is Vicky doing back here?”_ Sarah thought as she walked down to her apartment. She shut the door and paced back and forth in her living room as a pit of mistrust formed in her stomach and she went to her bedroom. As long as she didn’t hear the familiar sounds of moans it would be okay. The fact that she was standing in front of her window listening for it made her feel so much sadness and oh so sick. The little orchid he gave her was in the window; she stared at it as she could’ve sworn she saw it droop but that “sighting” was as irrational as Ethan having sex with Vicky right over her head but she did wonder.

 “ _What were they discussing?”_

_…._

“You just keep surprising me Captain,” Ethan said with a smile as he walked into his kitchen to pour her a glass of water.

            “As do you,” she said mirroring his tone, “I see you decided to ‘shoot your shot’” she said with a raised eyebrow.

Vicky walked over to his breakfast bar as he slid over her glass. He smirked but his cheeks burned a bit. It was definitely weird having his ex-girlfriend call him out on his obvious attraction now turned relationship to Sarah; an attraction that started _before_ they’d even broken up. He loosened the tension by making a joke.

            “So will I be drug into your court martial when they catch up to you for going A-Wall or-?” he asked laughing.

Vicky smiled nervously but she piped up saying,

            “I reported in, all of my papers had gone through, and I was ready for duty, but on the way there I got a call that they had lost almost everything and they needed to run my stuff again,” she said but it was clear she wasn’t finished.

Ethan nodded his head remembering the not so organized moments the military had when he was active duty. He looked to her to continue.

            “Well it seemed silly for me to wait on the physical so I just had the other combat doc I was going with run one…,” Vicky was trailing off, her nervousness was now being seen by Ethan, “My results were an automatic discharge.”

The cogs were turning in his head as he was thinking of the medical reasons that would result in an instant discharged. If it was cancer or some other degenerative illness she wouldn’t have seemed so nervous, perhaps sad or scared but not nervous. She may have even been upset if the prognosis was bad. Perhaps it was an STD, but he’d been tested recently so it wasn’t that. In that moment their eyes connected and the truth came to him like a flash of light.

            “ _Oh_ ,” he said astonished.

            “Yeah,” she said nodding with a sheepish smile.


	13. Oh Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vicky is back and her announcement is like an atomic bomb to the brand new couple. Ethan leaves the ball in Sarah’s court but she might be done playing. Meanwhile one of Jason’s little “nugget’s” conditions continues to decline.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama is the twin I absorbed in the womb…these next chapters until the resolution are DRAMA filled and yes the story ends with a cliffhanger...because I’m a jerk. I’m bout to drag ya’ll through HELL so gear up or tap out.

Ethan stood in an almost paralytic shock. He was tracing a line to one question and then another in his mind about how the state of events even came about.

            “How far along are you?” Ethan asked, but before Vicky could answer he stopped and said, “I thought you had an IUD?” he quizzed her; still trying to understand the situation.

Vicky nodded and let out an exhausted exhaled.

            “Eight weeks, and yeah I thought I did too, but apparently it fell out,” she said, “And because of the type of birth control it is, missed menstrual cycles are not uncommon, in fact, it’s part the allure of this particular IUD.”

            “How did it fall out?” Ethan asked meeting her eyes and coming out of his inquisitive-zone.        

            “Do you really want to try and rack your brain over all the different ways I’ve been _all the different ways_ in _this_ apartment?” she asked a little annoyed.

His eyes softened as he realized this was not her plan either and his reaction was not the least bit helpful.

            “I’m sorry Vic,” Ethan started, “You’re here, so I can only ascertain that you want to keep it,” he asked with a neutral curiosity.

            “You have a right to know Ethan, I don’t expect anything from you, I know you were living your life before I walked back in,” she said penitently.

Ethan shook his head and walked over, placing his hand on her shoulder before saying,

            “No, Vicky, you’re not doing this alone. Yes I’ve moved on, but I don’t view fatherhood as a choice, you either are one or you’re not and I guess I’m going to be,” he said with a reassuring half-smile.      

She placed her hand on top of his and leaned her cheek against it with a hesitant smile. She was worried but his words had calmed her for the time being. He pulled her hand and walked her over to the couch to sit down.

            “So, what’s next?” he implored.

            “Well I was on a month to month lease with my old landlord so I’m going to contact him and see if I can get my old place back,” she said,  “And you?”

            “I still have my residency to finish but I was hoping for an offer from Med…I like it there… but you’re still active duty,” he said as the realization hit him.

            “Yeah, listen we made one decision today, how about we wait to tell our families until after I’m out of my first trimester, then we can figure out how in the hell we’re going to do this,” she admitted with an almost daunting look.

Ethan nodded. He was still taking her lead on what to do with all of this as she stood up.

Vicky gave his hand a pat and then turned to leave. Ethan lost a piece of his composure at that the sound of the door latching. He brought his hand up to his forehead and let out a very long breath. He wanted to tape off his hands and hit his punching bag or go for a run but he thought of Sarah and realized she was probably downstairs going out her mind.

….

Sarah was still in her room, she wanted to walk out of there and trust Ethan, the situation, but the lack of clarity at their relationship status would not allow her to just walk out so she paced; burning a hole in her rug and chewing at her trusty thumb. She was so lost in curiosity, concern, and envy she didn’t notice that Ethan had walked into her room. She jumped when she turned and saw him standing in the door frame. He smiled bright at her surprise, but his eyes were like someone watching their last sunset.

            “Reese, you have _got_ to relax,” he said still smiling.

            “How can I? I mean it was Vicky, _Vicky,_ Ethan,” Sarah said her eyes still torn with envy and fluster.

            “Does she intimidate you?” he asked genuinely confused; his hands clasped behind his back as he wandered into her room.

Sarah shrugged before saying,

             “Kind of, I just don’t know where I fit in?” Sarah lamented.

Ethan nodded and walked over to her; lacing his fingers between hers. He pulled her over to the bed and they sat down.

             “Where do you want to fit in?” Ethan asked.

             “It would be nice to know that I was something, why can’t we just use exclusive language; like girlfriend?” Sarah asked a little ashamed to be bringing it up again.

Ethan pointed to the flower.

             “No, no more flower talk, why is it that when you introduced Vicky she was your girlfriend but I’m so some sort of orchid?” she asked but now she was actually getting mad.

Ethan laughed, “It was different with Vicky-.”

             “-How so?” Sarah asked frustrated.

             “Well you and I had more of mentored relationship at first, Vicky and I know each other as soldiers; she knows and sees me in a different way,” he admitted.

             “You don’t think I could see you that way…,” she pleaded.

             “Sarah, I like the way you see me, do you really want to view me through someone else’s eyes?” Ethan asked genuinely concerned now to the security of their future.

Sarah pulled her hand away and crossed her arms; the situation felt hopeless and without resolution.

             “I mean, do you see me the same way you saw Joey? And before you answer it better be no,” he laughed.

Sarah still looked forlorn. Ethan wasn’t saying what she wanted to hear and it was obvious in her eyes. He took in a deep breath before saying,

            “You’re like a flower to me because I got to watch you bloom and flourish; watch you grow in the ED, and now you’re this amazing doctor,” he said; his hand to the side of her face

Sarah had to smile; the safety, the field of irises, were calling to her again, but there was that sadness in his eyes reappearing.

            “The title girlfriend isn’t befitting of the way I view you,” he started taking in another deep breath,” Flower, orchid, girlfriend, if you want to be that then I want you to be that but….I need you to know something first,” he continued but his eyes appeared more serious than a moment ago.

Sarah sat up with a motivated smile, _“He said girlfriend; I’m finally his girlfriend!!”_ she thought.

           “The reason Vicky is here is because…she’s pregnant…and… the baby is mine…and she’s keeping it.”

Ethan was still locking eyes with Sarah but she was quickly sliding into a catatonia.

            “So, the question is; now that you know; do you still want to pursue this?”

Sarah was zoned out over his revelation. She was falling to the ground and recovering from her metaphorical concussion as the proverbial rug had just been pulled out from under her. She got to happily be Ethan’s girl for 2.5 seconds before the storm appeared.

            “Sarah,” he said gently, “I’ll let you think about.”

Just like that he got up and was gone. Sarah sat there with weight of his words hanging around her as the oxygen had turned to iron.

            “A baby…,” she finally uttered completely shocked.

…

            “A baby?!” Jason shrieked, “Damn Sarah back at it again with the destroyed personal life.”

Normally Sarah would’ve told him to shut up with his snarky comment but she was still in shock. She called Jason that Sunday morning and could barely make out any words in the phone as she mumbled some nonsense about Vicky, baby, and crushed flowers and she wasn’t making sense so Jason sped over, rushing into her apartment, and asking her if she smelled toast, for sure she was having some sort of a stroke. Sarah had her legs tucked into her chest as she sat on the edge of couch, her thumb being chewed into oblivion.

               “He wanted me to be his girlfriend…,” Sarah finally whispered although her voice broke a little at the end.

She wasn’t in the place for crying just yet but the utter disappointment of the culmination of the last few weeks was compounding and immersing itself around her. No ED and maybe now no Ethan. She knew she couldn’t stay with him. There was no place for her to fit because she didn’t want children; she never had. There were no maternal bones in her body because she'd barely seen any examples of it growing up. A particular instance with her mother had sealed her fate there, after Sarah had been accepted into college, knowing she would pursue medical school, her mother seemed proud but detached. Nothing ever felt good enough for her so Sarah had screamed at her asking her why she even bothered having her. Finally in the only way her cold mother knew how she told her that she believed she was missing out on the “fullness of womanhood” and had been artificially inseminated a decision she later regretted. Sarah didn’t look much like her mother and that had been the reason why. She never knew her father or sperm donor, but her mother did, and refused to tell her, it was the last point of contention for their already strained bond. That knowledge and her childhood had sealed any and all desire for Sarah to ever want children. It was not a part of the complete life she saw for herself; a life that would now have to be incomplete; without Ethan.

            “What are you going to do?” Jason asked his initial energy over the issue fading.

            “End it,” Sarah said numbly.

            “Sometimes I think that ending it is the best idea to most things….,” He said agreeing.

Sara put her head on his shoulder as she thought about how hard it would be to tell Ethan she wasn’t going to be around for this. He had been so supportive with her career, her choices, and with Danny, and now she couldn’t return that emotional labor.

            “What are you up to today?” Sarah asked somberly; ultimately changing the subject.

            “More charity donations and I wanted to visit Kaitlin again,” he said as his eyes journeyed to the same place they went to at lunch.

            “How is she?” Sarah asked.

            “They have her on dialysis because her blood is so toxic and her kidneys are failing, but it’s just a measure to no end, she’s so weak, it doesn’t look good,” he languished.

Sarah felt that strange pang of guilt again. Wheeler had tried to give hope to a bunch of sick kids; one was literally dying, and Sarah couldn’t sit for even five minutes with the _idea_ of a child. It made her feel foolish, petty, and a bit ungrateful; life was something to be celebrated because of the exact moments and situations like Kaitlin’s. The somber news made her rethink her situation.

            “You know what?” she started, “I can do this, there are bigger challenges in life that I’ve overcome and even worse outcomes than this. I’m going to stay with him,” she said nodding her head trying to reconcile her words with her actions.

Jason's vision was in that place he traveled to; it was a dark and sad place filled with gloom. Sarah squeezed his hand and for a moment he didn’t register it but he squeezed it back giving her a superficial smile.

            “Okay, well I got to go but let me know what Dr. Gorgeous says,” Jason said getting up and regaining some of his Wheelerness.

Sarah walked him out but she left too, taking the stairs up to Ethan’s place. She wanted him to know right away where she stood. When Ethan answered the door he was in his pajamas and she could smell coffee brewing. His normally coiffed hair was messy but it only made him look sexier; more domestic, earthly.

            “Hey,” he said with a smile.

That bittersweet look was in eye as he was for sure she was there to end things.

            “Can I have a cup of that?” Sarah said with a smirk and inhaling dramatically as he opened the door to let her in.

Ethan nodded and walked into the kitchen to pour two cups of coffee.

            “Still in your pajamas?” Sarah remarked.

Ethan smiled and pushed a glass mug towards her, “I didn’t sleep very well last night,” he admitted.

            “Well lack of sleep is something you’re going to have to get used to now…huh,” Sarah said.

Ethan’s smile dissolved and a seriousness came across his face; the steel soldier.

            “So I gather you’ve been thinking about this,” he said moving around the breakfast bar toward her.

            “Yeah, and I’m not going anywhere either Ethan,” Sarah said with a smile.

            “Are you sure about this?” he asked still serious but he was holding her hand.

She wrapped and then twirled it so their palms were flat before she wove her fingers through his clasping their hold.

            “No,” she laughed nervously, “I’ve had to give up a lot of what I’ve wanted lately and I’m not ready to let you go too,” she said staring at their hands woven together.

He squeezed his grip on her hand and pulled her towards him.

            “Okay,” he said, “Finish your coffee,” he commanded.

            “Why are we going somewhere?” she asked.

            “Yeah,” he said lifting her chin to give her a soft kiss, "I'd like to pick up where we left off before we were interrupted."

He smiled at her as he let go of her hand and took off his t-shirt unveiling that glorious body underneath.

            “Coffee can wait,” Sarah answered hypnotically as she set her mug down and followed him into the bedroom.


	14. “Maybe I Can’t Handle This”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah begins her residency in pathology while Ethan prepares for fatherhood but a turn in Vicky’s health strains the couple’s fragile future. Wheeler’s drinking escalates as Kaitlin’s condition worsens with devastating consequences.

Ethan continued his behavior of being the supportive partner during the week Sarah took off from work to mourn Danny. During the day she looked around the shelter for anyone that knew him and at night she visited the neighborhood he hung around in. The city had bestowed five hundred dollars for a “pauper’s burial” so Sarah and a few people she could find from his shelter and neighborhood attended. Jason was also supposed to be there and he eventually did show but when he arrived he wreaked of booze. So much of it Sarah couldn’t tell if it was the day before or current or a blend of both. She swiftly strolled up to him as the few people that attended were slowly breaking up and walking away.

            “You’re late,” she hissed in a whisper, “And you smell awful, Jason what is going on with you?”

He just shook his head annoyed at her question and tone. He walked away from her without explanation for the third time, but Sarah followed watching him hail a cab _“At least he isn’t driving,”_ she thought. He got in and Sarah exhaled in relief. His moods and his behavior were inconsistent to say the least. She caught the bus home and went up to Ethan’s place; he was making her dinner again. The whole placed smelled of stew as he was filling a glass of red wine for her; but just for her, Ethan rarely drank.

            “Mmmm, that smells wonderful,” she said going into the kitchen.

He turned and gave her a small taste from a wooden spoon.

            “How is it?” he asked almost a little insecure.

            “Good, _very_ good,” she said leaning in and giving him a kiss.

            “Good,” he said exhaling, “It’s my dad’s recipe minus the beef.”

They sat down but Ethan noticed she was quieter than normal. He was worried about her again. Danny’s death, and then Vicky, and now having to move into pathology on Monday seemed almost too much for her.

            “How was Danny’s service?” Ethan asked as he blew on the stew; bringing a bite to his mouth.

            “It was nice, it was mostly stories his friends shared of him, the little things that made him laugh, how he looked out for the others when he could….he didn’t have any family or parents there…,” she said trailing off.

            “They never found them?” Ethan said as he looked over to her.

They were dining more casually these days so Sarah had her bowl of soup on her lap scooping and releasing the same bite over and over again into the bowl; never bringing it to her mouth.

Ethan set his stew down on his coffee table and scooted over to her.

            “What is it?” he implored.

            “It’s just…no one cared, his parents didn’t even show up or try and find him,” Sarah started, “My mom has never shown up for anything for me…I was raised with more than Danny and my life went a different way but…in the end… we weren’t so different.”

            “You are,” he said pulling her shoulder in so she could lean in on him, “You’re not alone. You have people who care for you. I’m here; I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

She rested her head against his shoulder as he wrapped his arm around her. The field of iris and wistful amber enticed her inward and the safety net enclosed around her. He let her go but only to clean up and put the food away. She retreated to his bedroom to put on some pajamas. Sarah had a drawer in his dresser. He’d surprised her with it after she said she was willing to stay and see him through his burgeoning journey towards fatherhood. Sarah grabbed a pair of pants and a tank top and then curled into bed. Ethan followed a moment later; shutting off the light and climbing into bed next to her. This was what it was all about; Sarah lying in the iris fields while Ethan looped a finger around one of her curls, and this was what she needed, and for the next couple of months this was what she received.

The following Monday Sarah had to begin her residency in pathology and just like her deepest darkest fears come to life it was true; pathology was dull, boring, and ritualistic. The only thing that really brought her any life was at the end of the day; getting on the back of Ethan’s motorcycle. They would take the long way home sometimes to lengthen the ride. Ethan used it as a way to decompress but it was pure freedom for Sarah; with her arms wrapped around the steel soldier and her eyes closed as they floated at top speeds down Chicago’s streets. The wind would caress through her curls and lace itself around her; grabbing and pulling off the stress of the day, and cleansing the mundane.

Evenings were spent with wine and trying different vegetarian recipes with Ethan sneaking bites of meat from his fridge.  Their downtime was a long game of scrabble; that they had to order more letters for, and eventually get an extender, as they playfully argued and challenged each other over their word use. The fights never escalated but he was teaching her to do that too. Showing her how to box, but normally he couldn’t keep his hands off her for too long before they found their way to the shower, or the counter, or the floor.

But even that had changed; lust was transitioning to something deeper and even though Ethan still had an overwhelming intoxication over her she found herself able to crawl out of the spell and be more focused and lost in his eyes. She would examine the little scars and freckles she’d never realized were on him, he’d always seemed so perfect, but even a God could have and had bled. She was falling in love with those little imperfections because she was falling in love with him. Often Ethan would run his thumb over her bottom lip and stare at it before he would kiss her.

            “Why do you do that?” She asked, lost in the sable richness of his eyes.

            “To make sure this is real,” he said with a haunting smile before kissing her.

…

On the other side she was seeing less of Jason, his behavior was erratic most days, he was missing shifts as Kaitlin’s condition deteriorated. She was getting ready to be put on life support as her extended relatives gathered into town to say their goodbyes, to the darling little girl who would never see the promise fulfilled of growing ringlets of hair like Sarah’s or grow to have children of her own; none that she would ever name after Jason. Sarah felt guilty that she hadn’t been up to visit the “nuggets” so she remedied it by going up there one day; finding a moment to escape from the lab. When she got up there she saw Jason coming out of their room.

            “Hey J,” Sarah said softly as she ventured toward him.

He didn’t say hi he just turned to her and sobbed on her shoulder. She held him there as he no longer cared who might see him fall apart. Sarah held him for a while but then offered to get together at her place after work. He nodded and agreed.

She walked back down to the lab and logged in to see the next set of labs that needed a work-up.

**Dr. Victoria Glass-Basic Metabolic Panel.**

Sarah stared at the screen and handed the panel off to the lab tech. She ran upstairs to see Ethan who looked like he was wrapping something up and walking in the opposite direction.

             “Ethan,” Sarah said coming toward him.

He turned to see who was calling his name.

             “I just started the process for a BMP for Vicky, is everything alright?” She asked.

             “I don’t know she sent me a text that she was experiencing some cramping and that her doctor was here delivering a baby and could fit her in. I’m going to run upstairs and see what‘s going on but I’ll fill you in tonight okay,” he said leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

Sarah nodded as he rushed away. This was it, the beginning of situations exactly like this. Sarah knew she would have to get used to this and she wished nothing but the best for them but she had to wonder what _exactly_ was going on with Vicky’s pregnancy. Curiosity took over as she loomed and hovered around the results but the panel didn’t reveal anything. Ethan had sent her a text message asking if she could find another ride home, they would be later than expected. Sarah was now alarmed, but she jumped on the bus, went home, and got ready for her visit with Jason; maybe helping him could take her mind off the unknown.

…

For once Jason didn’t smell of booze and belligerence. However if sadness and despair had a scent the hounds would’ve found him. Sarah had put out some snacks and soda water to munch on but he didn’t have much of an appetite.

            “Two days,” he whimpered, “They are going to turn off the machines in two days after her grandparents get here from Poland.”

Sarah had her arm wrapped around him while he sobbed. She felt so badly for him and for Kaitlin’s family, burying a child was not what any parent wanted to do. They sat there in the silence as Jason rested his head on Sarah’s shoulder and stared into the ether. There wasn’t much to be said just being there was all either of them could do. Jason had to get up early and pull a double to make up for his missed shifts and tardiness so he left; giving Sarah another tight hug. She didn’t expect his chipper mood given the circumstances but there was light gone from him. Working in the ED with live patients meant that doctors knew they couldn’t win them all and death was an inevitability of life as well as in this profession but this defeat was a crushing blow.

Sarah waited for Ethan in her apartment but ended up snuggling into the dough-like couch and falling asleep until she heard the knob twist. When the door opened Ethan walked in, he normally always looked amazing, but he actually looked a little tired and stressed. Sarah looked at her phone it was 11:30.

            “Ethan, it’s really late did you just get home?” Sarah asked sitting up and then standing to walk towards him.

He nodded and gave her a quick peck, “Yeah, Vicky had some cramping that felt contractive so she called her OB. It turns out, she has an insufficient cervix,” Ethan said wondering if the diagnosis may have been the reasoning behind her failed IUD.

            “Is she going to be okay…the baby?” Sarah asked concerned.

Ethan nodded. Sarah picked up her purse as she headed to the door but Ethan wasn’t following.

            “I’m tired babe. Can we just go up and lay down?” She asked confused at him standing still.

“She had to have her cervix stitched shut and the procedure is outpatient but it does require some rest time and her mother won’t be in for a few days… _so_ Vicky is actually upstairs…in my bed,” Ethan admitted hesitantly.

            “ _Your_ bed?” Sarah repeated a little shocked.

Ethan nodded.

           “We can stay here,” Sarah said with a reassuring smile she didn’t really feel.

Ethan had an identical drawer at her place but not because she had surprised him with it. Sarah had left his apartment with so many of his pajama pants that he didn’t need to go back upstairs. They settled into bed ready to curl up and sleep, but then Ethan nibbled at Sarah’s ear, and even though they were both tired somehow they found the energy to take off their clothes and make love. Ethan had one hand gripped around the iron rods of her bed using the momentum to push himself faster and deeper into her. The pace was too much and Sarah started to moan; loudly. But before she could get too lost in her pleasure she felt a firm hand over her mouth. Her eyes shot open in the dark as Ethan leaned in.

            “Shh,” he said as he pointed up, “Vicky is asleep,” he whispered.

Sarah’s eyes widened as the memories of hearing Vicky moan through the vents flooded her brain and blocked her impending orgasm.

            “Are you _kidding_ me?” Sarah answered; annoyed slapping his hand away.

Ethan slumped as the mood killer softened him. He rolled over and off Sarah as they lay side by side with the reality.

            “I just thought we could be considerate so she could get some sleep,” Ethan grumbled; breaking up the silence.

            “Right, I wish someone had thought of me as I listened to her come multiples times with you,” Sarah answered back still annoyed.

            “You weren’t recovering from a procedure while pregnant with my child,” Ethan hissed.

Sarah scoffed, “Good night,” she said coldly, turning her back on the iris and amber fields.

Ethan sighed, “Good night.”

The next morning they were up in unison. The air was a bit icy but Ethan broke it by being the first one to say something.

            “I’m sorry, I should’ve said something before bringing Vicky back to my place,” he said grabbing his pants off the floor.

            “It’s fine Ethan. I’m sorry for snapping last night…you’re doing the right thing by her…by them,” Sarah said as she peeled her shirt over her stomach.

            “I need to eat and so do you _and_ so does Vicky. How about we go upstairs and I make us all breakfast,” he offered.

The invitation wasn’t that enticing but Sarah decided to play nice, after all this was what life would be like and she was going to have to get used to Vicky being a part of that life. When they went upstairs Vicky was already up and moving around stiffly. Ethan rushed over and made her sit down on the couch. Sarah awkwardly sat at the breakfast bar trying to read the paper and pretend that she didn’t feel the third-wheel mistress feeling that Vicky’s presence somehow always elicited from her. Ethan moved about in the kitchen as Vicky answered emails and text messages from her phone. The air was tense and everyone did not seem completely at ease. Vicky shifted in her seat and then let out a small giggle. The noise in the already tense and quiet environment gave Sarah and Ethan pause to look over.

            “You okay?” Ethan asked his eyes concerned as he chopped fruit.

            “Yeah, I’m fine…um I think I just felt the baby move,” she said in awed wonder.

Ethan’s face was astonished but in a pleasurable surprise as he stopped what he was doing to walk over to her.

            “Yeah… um feel here,” Vicky said as she placed Ethan’s hand on her swollen stomach.

Ethan smiled like he was being tickled. Sarah watched a joy she had never seen in Ethan. It made her smile but the irony of the little family and her sitting on the outside wasn’t helping the third wheel feeling. She sunk her attention back into the article she was reading about Syrian refugees as they laughed on the couch of the impending creation and its new development.

The ride to the hospital was quiet as Ethan was transitioning to the steel soldier; the focused doctor. He leaned over to give Sarah a kiss before they got out.

            “So…Vicky already had a sonogram planned for today. I asked her if it was alright if you came too. How do you feel about that?” he asked.

            “Uh, sure um-text me the time and I’ll come up,” she said with hesitant smile.

Ethan kissed her again still excited but she was apprehensive. If the idea of a child had sent her running the reality of seeing a sonogram was proving to be too much. It followed her through work as she jumped every time an email or an online update on her phone came through. Finally the fatal buzz of Ethan’s text came through that the appointment was happening so she walked upstairs; but slowly. Her legs felt like they weighed a million pounds. She got to the third floor and walked to the room and from outside the small glass window she could see Ethan and Vicky and they looked jubilant; radiant with happiness.

            “Do you guys want to know the sex?” the doctor asked looking up.

Ethan and Vicky met eyes and smiled before they both uniformly shook their heads no and laughed.

Ethan had been so entrenched in hearing the heartbeat of his baby that he hadn’t notice Sarah hadn’t come into the room. He was riding on cloud nine peering on it to look down to see her standing in the hall like a like puppy. He gave Vicky a pat; beaming as he walked to the hallway.

            “Hey, Vicky said it was fine, why didn’t you come in?” he was smiling, still beaming as if light originated from him.

Sarah smiled, but her eyes betrayed the movement. She didn’t want to be the one responsible for bringing his mood down but this couldn’t continue.

             “You asked me once if Vicky intimidated me and… yeah Ethan, yes she does,” Sarah confessed.

             “Why? Did she say something to you? We spoke Sarah, it's fine,” he said with a smile using him thumb to point to the room.

             “It’s not Ethan, and no, she didn’t say anything. I mean yeah she’s accomplished and beautiful and she knows you in a way I don’t… and she can give you something I can’t,” Sarah said pointing to the door.

             “I mean, we aren’t there yet, but maybe one day I guess we could have a child too,” Ethan answered almost confused by the territory of Sarah’s admission.

            “Ethan, I can’t, and not because of something physical or medical, I can’t because I won’t. I don’t want children…ever.”

             “Oh,” he said.

             “I’m sorry, I thought I could do this…but I can’t…I’m sorry I just, I can’t,” she said as she rushed away.

She held it together in front of him but she couldn’t anymore as she turned away. The bathroom room was close and that’s where she chose to let her tears fall. She didn’t cry too long, she still had to go back to work and it was what it was.

Ethan fell from his cloud, his body a loud thump on the ground that rivaled the sound of his child’s heartbeat; his shoulders slumped, and he returned to the doctor’s office and then downstairs to the ED. Sarah and Ethan finished their shifts but left in separate directions; their paths a sad metaphor of their relationship.

 ….

Sarah got home first but before she could open her door she heard footsteps and then a voice.

            “Dr. Reese,” Vicky said with a soft confidence.

            “Please, it’s just Sarah,” she answered somberly, “Should you be out of bed?” She asked with concern.

            “I can have some mobility,” she said, her hand under her burgeoning stomach.

Every time Sarah looked at her and the ever swelling lump under her skin it was a constant reminder of the fate of her and Ethan. Or now the sealed prophecy that she had fulfilled.

            “Sarah, I may be overstepping saying this, but I didn’t come back here to end you and Ethan,” she said, “I wanted him to have a choice, but I’m sorry I forgot about the one you’d also have to make,” she said apologetically.

Sarah could tell she meant it. It was hard to hate her. She didn’t trap Ethan, none of this had been planned but it didn’t change her decision to not want to choose that life with him.

            “I know Vicky,” she answered with a somber smile.

            “It’s _Dr_. Glass,” she said seriously then her face melted to a smile.

Sarah laughed and Vicky did too. She turned to walk to the elevator to wait as Sarah was turning down the hall towards her apartment door.

            “Ooh, ouch,” Vicky breathed out as she began to hunch over.

            “Hey, are you okay?” Sarah asked quickly rushing to her side.

            “Yeah, I think I need to get back into bed though,” Vicky said her eyes searching internally for answers to her physical pain.

            “Um-,” Sarah stated hesitantly, “My place is closer,” she offered.

Vicky nodded and they walked into Sarah’s apartment. It felt so weird having her there. Sarah was concerned for her health so she had her lay on her dough like couch.

            “I picked the wrong apartment for bed rest,” Vicky acknowledge humorously as she settled into the couch, “Ethan’s place is great but did all the men of the world get handed some pamphlet for their first home with the directions to the leather store?” Vicky joked.

Sarah laughed and chimed in, “Exactly, here are all your furnishing needs-,”

            “-And don’t forget to stop by the metal and glass store to show the world your lack of originality,” Vicky joked with her voice dropping an octave to sound like a television announcer.

           “And the pamphlet also includes the arctic temperatures at which to keep their dials set,” Sarah laughed.

           “Right!? It’s always freezing there. I swear I fell asleep with a hoodie on the other night,” Vicky confessed.

The admission brought Sarah back to the reality of her staying there and the humor in her eyes melted to melancholy. Vicky didn’t miss a beat with her face.

            “I meant it earlier; I didn’t mean to come between you two. I never wanted children _or_ marriage. I like being a doctor and a soldier; treating soldiers,” Vicky confessed.

Sarah had moved into the living room with a glass of water for her guest.

            “I come from a long familial line of government workers, employees, even a couple of legislators. I never wanted to do anything else, and the traditional roles women were expected to take on, I wanted nothing to do with; including motherhood.”

            “Can I ask what made you want to finally be a mother?” Sarah implored.

Vicky smiled, “I always thought when faced with the choice if it ever happened I would pick the _other_ choice, but I just couldn’t do it, plus I mean the gene pool isn’t exactly too shabby,” she admitted with a half –smile as she rubbed her stomach.

Sarah raised her glass to Vicky’s as they clanged them together, a toast to the man they both could agree was magnificently attractive.

             “I like the way Ethan is when he talks about you, even the way he talked about you when we were still dating,” Vicky admitted.

Sarah was caught off guard again and her eyes widen while her cheeks flushed pink. The guilt of their self-defense lesson was rising from the grave of Sarah’s mind and she started to feel bad again. Vicky really was getting the short end of the stick. She’d gotten pregnant but never had any intention of ever starting a family and the man who fathered her child was and had been admiring another woman during the duration of their relationship. Before Sarah could acknowledge Vicky’s words a knock came at the door. Sarah got up to answer it; it was Ethan.

            “Hey…Vicky um… she uh-sent me a text that she was down here,” Ethan said almost unable to look at Sarah.

Sarah nodded, “She’s on the couch,” she said trying and failing to make eye contact with Ethan.

He wouldn’t or couldn’t; she was unable to tell. He walked in and gave Vicky a half-smile.

            “Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked as he walked over to her.

            “Better, although I think I need to call my OB, I’m a little worried about my stitches,” she admitted.

For the first time Sarah could see the cool demeanor of the woman that she had been so intimidated by begin to fade as there was a fear in her eyes over what was happening. Ethan helped her up as they left; going up to his apartment. It was just as awkward as breakfast as Sarah felt like a third wheel until the door slammed shut. She walked into her room to grab some pajamas to prepare to lie down. They were Ethan’s. She curled up in bed and sobbed as quietly as possible into her pillow at the first night she wouldn’t be falling asleep in the iris and amber fields.

Sarah made sure to get up early. She didn’t want to run into Ethan on the way to work; waiting on the bus stop. She opened the door and almost tripped on her way out because below her feet, piled perfectly, were the clothes from her drawer at Ethan’s. Her heart sunk at the finality of the gesture. It had just happened and he was already pushing the remnants of her out of his place. She pulled them in and set them on floor right inside her apartment and pulled the door shut. She took a deep breath trying in vain to absorb the pain of their break-up but her eyes watered. She quickly wiped away any traces of tears and made her way to the bus stop.

When she arrived at work she headed straight to the lab but the sound of foreign tongue carried to her ears. It was Polish, it dawned on her that it was Kaitlin’s grandparents. They had sort of a bittersweet happiness in their eyes as they spoke in Polish rubbing the arms of two people that looked like her parents. Sarah’s eyes darted and she went to the lounge to find Jason. He was sitting zoned out; not angry, not happy, not sad, but numb, and emotionless.

            “Are those Kaitlin’s grandparents?” Sarah asked softly.

He nodded, “They turned the machines off a couple of hours ago…she went in minutes,” he said flatly.

            “Jason I’m so sorry,” Sarah said as she walked over to massage his shoulder.

            “It doesn’t matter, at least she won’t be alone,” he said still flat but now a bit ominous.

Sarah looked confused but then worried as Jason pulled a flask from his pocket and took a long swig.

            “Don’t you still have a shift?” Sarah asked concerned.

            “Nope, I’m done,” he answered surely.

He got up and walked out, but Sarah couldn’t follow him to see if he was catching a cab this time, because Valerie a lab tech walked up to her and asked her to look over a few results. She quickly provided an answer as she looked back up but instead there stood Ethan. They caught each other’s eyes as she walked over to say hello. She didn’t want to but she needed to see him, hear his voice, and know how he was doing as well as Vicky.

            “Hi,” Sarah said awkwardly.

            “Hey,” Ethan answered almost coldly.

            “How is Vicky?” Sarah asked honestly.

            “She has to come back in,” Ethan answered succinctly.

He wasn’t ready yet and Sarah nodded her head and began to walk away but he stopped her.

            “Could you please return my clothes as soon as you get a chance?” he asked still coldly.

Sarah nodded and then turned trying to suck up the impending tears that wanted to surface in her eyes. Just as she was leaving there was a loud boom like a bomb had gone off. Everyone in the ED turned and then rushed to see what the sound was. Seconds later a stretcher with Vicky on it came in and rushed by Sarah as they bypassed the ED and took her directly to the third floor.

            _“What is going on?”_ she wondered.

…

             “I’m sorry guys, there’s just no heartbeat,” Vicky's OB said mournfully.

Two soldiers whose faces were steel, but their eyes were filled with rage, sadness, and sorrow.

            “Because of your stitches we’ll need to book an OR as soon as possible,” the doctor said somberly.

Ethan excused himself; he didn’t want Vicky to see how disappointed he’d become. He found her mother in the hall.

             “Lori, what happened?” he all but hissed.

            “We were driving up and a car crashed into ours, it hit Vicky’s side, the driver got out and said he was a doctor and that he could help,” she said through her tears.

            “He said he was a _doctor_?!” Ethan asked still confused but now incensed.

            “Yeah, Willer or Wheeler,” she said wiping her tears and walking back into Vicky’s room.

            “Yes that was it; he said his name was Dr. Wheeler.”


	15. The Beat Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the revelation that it was Jason behind the wheel of the car that hit Vicki, Ethan goes on the warpath. Sarah rushes to intervene before it’s too late.

Sarah had been staring dumbfounded and almost paralyzed at seeing Vicky fly past her on the stretcher. She walked outside and saw two tow trucks, a fire truck, and a police car. Valerie was standing outside watching what was happening.

            “Valerie what’s going on?” Sarah asked.

            “These two women were coming in but then that car slammed into the passenger side door,” she said pointing over to the ragged vehicle.

The door was bent inward and the driver’s side door was open where they must’ve come out. The car driven by the person at fault had the front crushed in like a coke can but the driver’s side was open.

            “Where are the people at; the patients?” Sarah asked looking around; trying to deny what she already knew.

            “They took one woman up in stretcher straight to her OB because she told them she was pregnant, she seem like she knew what she was talking about. Last I knew the other woman was being treated in the ED, and the other driver, some guy,….well no one can find him…that‘s what the police are doing here with the witnesses,” Valerie gossiped as she pointed to the officer in charge.

Sarah could no longer deny that it was Vicky but in her head she hoped that it wasn’t serious. She turned quickly to return to the ED to find Ethan and make sure everyone was alright.

 

How Ethan still had teeth in his mouth, only god knows, because his jaw was clenched so hard trying to contain his rage. He walked back into the main ED check-in and logged into one of the computers; looking into the personnel files. As chief resident he had basic information on all the residents he oversaw; for scheduling purposes. He found the phone number; and even more important the address. He was on a mission to what end; who knew, but Sarah wanted to know as she saw him walking away from the computer and stalking out of the ED.

            “Ethan, I just heard. Is Vicky alright...the baby?” Sarah said as she walked over to him.

Ethan was in some scary zone she didn’t recognize as he shook his head no.

            “Have you seen Jason?” he asked not looking at her.

Sarah nodded, “Earlier but he just left-,” she said but stopped; realizing who the mystery driver was.

            “Oh my god,” Sarah said searching for alternative answers and explanations to the conclusion she didn’t want.

            “Was he drunk again,” Ethan said with an anger she had never seen; it scared her.

            “Ethan I-,” Sarah started unable to make eye contact.

He nodded; that was all the confirmation he needed as he walked by her, she tried to grab his hand but he snatched it away. Sarah hustled back over to the main desk as she spotted Valerie walking back down to the lab.

            “Valerie can you cover for me?” she asked urgently.

            “I guess….,” she answered.

Sarah turned around to look at the computer screen; to see what Ethan was looking at. It was Jason’s address.

            “Crap,” Sarah uttered as she ran past Valerie to grab her purse and jacket.

By the time she got outside she was too late as Ethan zipped by on his motorcycle.

            “Ethan!” Sarah screamed to no avail.

Sarah looked around as an elderly couple was exiting their cab.

 “TAXI! TAXI!”  She yelled running over to the car, “Do you think you can keep up with that motorcycle?!” she all but begged as she settled in the backseat.

            “I’ll try,” the man answered pessimistically.

The taxi was no match for the prowl of the Gixxer; as Ethan weaved it in and out of the lanes passing them. The ride was getting dangerous and reckless trying to keep up with the rocket ahead. Sarah had the cab stop at the red light, she couldn’t afford to wait or gamble anymore with her safety. She jumped out and threw money the cabbies way. Her sneakers pounded the pavement as she rushed down the two city blocks to Jason’s place; almost sliding and falling as she turned the corner. Ethan’s bike was outside and lying on its side. The front door was wide open as Sarah leaped up the stairs; her long legs taking and combining as many steps as possible to reach Jason’s front door. The cheap framing was hanging off the wall; an obvious sign that the front door had been kicked in. Sarah turned the corner and found them. Ethan was on top of Jason; gripping his shirt, using it as leverage, as he hit him over and over again. The blood stamped onto Ethan’s knuckles as it filled Wheeler’s mouth.

            “Ethan!” Sarah screamed as she ran over.

She was terrified; she had never seen him this angry or violent, and she was for sure he was going to kill Jason. He went in for another hit but she pulled at his arm; it was in vain, it was like trying to rip off a piece of rock from a large boulder. Ethan snatched it away and pulled back into his position to hit Jason. The force pushed Sarah backwards.

            “You’re worthless!” Ethan yelled as he was ready to clobber him again.

Sarah scurried back over crawling quickly on her hands and knees; putting her arms around Ethan’s; hoping some of her weight would hold him.

            “Ethan stop it!” she screamed but it didn’t help and she fell back again.

           “Stop it! You’re going to kill him!” Sarah screamed again but the realization made her whimper.

Almost like that was his code word he stopped and stood up discarding Jason like feces from his shoe. He looked down at Sarah and she looked up at him but she didn’t recognize his eyes. This was the lens he never wanted her to see him through. He looked back at Jason and growled something in a language she didn’t understand and walked out as if they both were just dirt on the floor.

Sarah’s heart was beating out of her chest as she tried to grapple with the moments that lead to this. She finally gathered some of her senses and looked to Jason’s kitchen to grab a towel. She looked around hurriedly and for the first time in a while his place wasn’t dirty or covered in garbage; it was bare. She rushed over to him; relying on her ED training that she thought she would have to set aside permanently. She was pressing on his abdomen and his chest; feeling for contusions, hardness, softness, and fractures. He pushed her hand away.

            “I’m fine,” he garbled through the bloody swish in his mouth.

            “No, no you’re not,” Sarah said sadly but she was so disappointed.

            “Is she okay?” Wheeler asked as he allowed Sarah to use the towel to absorb the blood coming from his split lip.

            “She is, but the baby, I don’t think the baby is,” Sarah said frustrated concentrating on the cut.

She stopped for a moment to look around and take in the emptiness of his apartment.

           “Where is all of your stuff? Are in you some kind of trouble?” she asked still looking around the almost vacant apartment.

           “Just leave it alone Sarah,” Jason said defeated.

           “I can’t! I am worried about you! And this, Jesus Jason,  _this;_   _this_ is what I was afraid of; that you’d hurt someone!” Sarah yelled; her anger almost matching her heartbreak.

           “I’m so sorry Sarah,” he cried as the bloody drool escaped his mouth.

           “You need to do the right thing for once and turn yourself in,” she said as she let go and let him take over holding the towel.

           “Don’t worry Sarah, I know what I have to do,” he said with certainty.

…

Ethan went back to the hospital to see how Vicky’s surgery was going, but he had no idea what he was going to do or say when he saw her. He wanted to be there for her as a friend as they were no longer going to be parents. He sat there feeling as though all of it had been a huge waste. He lost his relationship with Sarah because she didn’t want children and now he had lost his baby. The feeling of rage, grief, and defeat were fighting within him; each emotion battling the other over how his face and body would twist and contort, to allow tears, or another balled up fist.

Soon the pieces were coming together as the officer investigating got the stories from the witnesses and Vicky’s mother Lori. The hospital confirmed Wheeler’s employment but while looking into his hours and scheduling they had uncovered Ethan’s key stroke into the computer; ultimately finding his address. Ethan had been asked to take the rest of the day off and go home as the administration tried to reconcile the intricate situation and the obvious issue of Ethan’s split knuckles.

….

It was hard for Sarah to concentrate the rest of the day as she looked up Vicky’s records and confirmed her worst fears about Ethan’s outrage. She had to stay longer to make up of for her absence but when she got home she realized even as exhausted as she was from the day she couldn’t eat or sleep. She needed to see Ethan, to check in on him, to make sure he was alright. She scooped up his pajama pants and a few of his shirts and walked upstairs. She was hesitant at knocking on the door as the anger she had witnessed from him earlier still sent fear through her. But her worry was more urgent and bigger than her fear so she knocked on the door. She could hear him come close to the door and for the first time she could tell that he was pausing; maybe not willing to open it. The knob twisted and the door creaked open slowly as he only stared at her face for a split second before looking down at the clothes in her hand.

            “How are you?” she asked concerned.

He reached forward to grab the clothes from her, not answering her question or acknowledging her presence.

             “Ethan please,” Sarah said advancing toward him.

He closed his eyes trying to absorb some of the anger and hurt he had over the situation; over her. But he was failing as he opened his mouth.

             “Aren’t you happy? There’s no more _baby_ and you never wanted kids anyway,” he said with a passive aggression she’d never heard from him.

             “Ethan, what’s happened is horrible,” she said.

            “But we can be together now right? And then you can skip downstairs and call your best friend and tell him all about it, you know the one who fixed our problem!” He screamed unleashing the rage behind his tightly clenched jaw. His tone made Sarah flinch.

            “That’s not fair Ethan,” Sarah said as her bottom lip quivered.

He leaned forward as she backed up.

            “You’re right Sarah, none of its fair. You should leave.”

Sarah nodded and sucked up whatever was going to fall from her eyes and departed downstairs.

She chose her bathroom with the shower turned on to be the place to cry, she didn’t want him to hear her, not that he could. His music was turned up so loud she was for sure one of the other buildings residents was going to call the police. That night when she fell asleep she did so with her ear buds in.

…

Ethan had the music turned up so loud but it wasn’t to be obnoxious, it was to drown out the noise in his ears.

               “Jungji (Stop), Jungji (Stop), Jungji (Stop),” he growled. 

The thumping in his ears was the sound of the baby’s heartbeat; a sound he couldn’t get out of his mind, it had started almost immediately at his need to hear it, to make sure the baby was alright, before the obstetrician delivered the disappointing news that he’d never hear it again. It propelled him to find out what happened, to find Jason, and to punish him for the taking that last bit of innocence, of hope from him. He taped up his fingers; ignoring the cuts and bruises from his assault on Wheeler, and began walking over to the punching bag. Every blow against the large leather pouch was a blow against his ears; against his grief, and anger. Exhaustion finally caught up to him as he leaned into the bag; using it to hold himself up. Ethan let out a heavy sigh as a moment of relief came through him, but just as he settled into it the beat echoed up and out into his head.          

               “Stop,” he whimpered.


	16. All By Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan faces the consequences of his actions towards Dr. Wheeler and the results cause him to seek comfort from an old friend ultimately hurting Sarah at the worst possible time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *graphic depiction of death in this chapter*

Ethan didn’t know what his future held anymore. His relationship with Sarah was over, his residency was in danger, his impending dream of fatherhood was deferred, and now an old uninvited friend he thought was gone had returned; his PTSD. He had spent most of the night up to his old tricks but none of them worked. He now understood the full gravity of the woman with the dead child in her arms and he was seeing them everywhere again. When he tried to escape by meditating or closing his eyes the beating heart surfaced. The weary god pulled himself from his bed as the chirp of his bird in its cage reminded him of his duties. He pushed some seeds in and did what he always did. He would leave the cage door open; giving the little bird a chance to fly up and out but it wasn’t doing it lately. Ethan got in the shower and got dressed. He didn’t put on his scrubs because he wasn’t sure if he was even working; that fate was held later on in a meeting with Goodwin at 9 a.m. sharp.

He decided to leave a little early to visit Vicky. She had been asleep in recovery when he returned to the hospital after leaving Jason’s so he didn’t know how she was. He found her room and slowly opened the door; quietly tip-toing in to look at her chart and meds; as she seemed to still be asleep.

            “You look like shit Ethan,” Vicky said with a half smirk.

He was startled by her voice but he had to smile at her ability to still be somewhat humorous granted the dark circumstances of her hospital stay. He walked around to the side of the bed to sit in the unoccupied chair.

            “Where’s your mom?” he asked leaning forwarding and bringing his hands to a clasp under his nose.

            “I sent her home to get some sleep, I don’t know if you heard but we got in a car accident,” she said with the same smile.

Ethan shook his head again at her ability to make light of the issue. As she was coming out her sleepy haze she narrowed her eyes at his injured knuckles.

            “Ethan…what happened to your hands,” she said finally serious.

He slowly unclasped his fingers and shoved them into the front pocket of his hoodie; leaning back into the chair. He looked down trying to avoid her gaze.

            “Ethan,” she said pleading.

            “I lost my temper,” he admitted shamefully.

Vicky sighed as the worry filled her eyes and her faced drooped at his admission. He didn’t come here to upset her so he got ready to get up.

            “You didn’t sleep very well last night did you?” she said capturing him.

He shook his head, “I keep hearing it…the baby’s heartbeat,” he said shaking his head.

            “Is it like the woman and the child?” she asked concerned her voice soft.

He nodded as he looked back down again. He was so exhausted and he was there to comfort her, not the other way around, but this was Vicky and this was how she always was.

            “Have you been back to group since I left?” she asked.

He shook his head and she tilted hers in frustration.

            “Ethan…why?”

            “It stopped, for a while but then…,” he trailed off.

            “You and Sarah broke up and then…the baby,” she said.

He nodded again looking at her in the eyes this time. He normally always felt ashamed at the peace and connection that he had with Sarah that he didn’t have with Vicky. With he and Vicky they could see the broken pieces of each other and it helped deepen their bond; knowing how the pieces _had_ broken. But Sarah looked up to him and was in awe of him and when he looked into her eyes she saw someone whole and he could visualize that. He had to now figure how to do that without her.

            “Go back to group Ethan, you’re going to need it,” she said as her gaze softened.

He got up and gave her kiss on the forehead before walking to the door and then turning.

            “I will always be here for you Vicky, anything you need alright?” he said.

She smiled and nodded as the door closed and she closed her eyes to get some more rest. Ethan looked down at his watch. It was time to face the music, as he got on the elevator and headed up to main council room to meet with Goodwin.

…

Sarah couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan and Jason and the entire mess. She hated the idea that Ethan could even think that she could be happy about he and Vicky’s misery; regardless of what she wanted out of life. She knew that parts of his words were out of anger but then she realized there was truth in them. Without the baby there they could enjoy each other’s company but the speedy revelation still didn’t sit well with him. If she never wanted kids did that mean they could never have a future if _he_ wanted them? She wanted to find Ethan, to make sure he was okay, but she could tell he was going to need some time. When Sarah arrived to work the grapevine was ripe with gossip and talk about the Chief Resident and the ED “screw-up.”

“I heard he went to his house and dangled him off the balcony.”

“No he pistol whipped him.”

“I heard Jason got drunk and slept with his girlfriend and they found out that the baby wasn’t even his!”

It was all lies and rumors as none of the people in the lab were really friends with anyone in the ED, but Sarah was, and she found out from Maggie what the hospital had planned for Ethan.

…

            “Ethan you are a talented doctor and a great asset to the ED otherwise you wouldn’t have been made Chief Resident, however you were not to use that position to abuse your power,” Sharon started.

Ethan still had his jaw clenched. His rage over the loss of his baby hadn’t subsided in the least.

            “We don’t know whether or not Dr. Wheeler is going to press charges because no one can get a hold of him and the police were not able locate him, although his actions that day have not fallen upon deaf ears either,” Sharon said and then continued, “But, because of the gravity of the situation and the fact that you used hospital property and records to assault a person, another doctor, we have no choice but to suspend you for two weeks barring an investigation. Dr. Manning will take on the role of interim-Chief Resident until we get this figured out.”

Ethan just nodded, he accepted it like a good soldier but Sharon could’ve been screaming at him from the top of her lungs and he wouldn’t have heard it because the pounding of his baby’s heartbeat was singed into his ears and not much besides rage was getting through to him. He walked downstairs as everyone stared at him. They were blurs to him as the thumping rippled everyone around him and his vision tunneled to the exit.

Maybe if Sarah knew that’s what he was feeling and seeing she wouldn’t have felt so slighted as he walked past her like she was no one. It hurt, even if they were broken up, it wasn’t like him and it continued to worry her. Talking to him the first time had gone over poorly and she was at a lost as to what to do.

Ethan went home and practically beat his punching bag into the ground. Nothing helped; he finally decided that it was time for a meeting. He drove over to the VA hospital around six thirty and said hello to the men and women he hadn’t seen in months. He didn’t know if he’d be willing to share his experience as it was still really raw, but hearing everyone, and knowing he wasn’t alone was a comfort. The meeting ended and he walked out to the hospital’s hallway preparing to leave when a familiar voice came up behind him.

            “You never called,” she said flirtatiously.

It was Monica and she was obviously ending her shift as she had a backpack on her shoulder; heading to the exit.

            “No I didn’t,” Ethan said with a smile but his eyes were apologetic.

            “What are you up to?” she asked running her hands through her thick hair.

            “Just heading home,” he responded.

            “Want some company?” she asked with a smile.

Ethan smirked. He wasn’t really in the mood per se but all of his other outlets had been exhausted and there seem to be no escape from the torture rapping about in his brain. A release of some sort was needed so he nodded and they jumped into his jeep. When they got to his apartment he offered her beer. He wasn’t really a big drinker but he kept them for guests and he was still willing to try anything so he grabbed one for himself too.

            “This is the biggest game of Scrabble I have ever seen,” Monica laughed.

Ethan took a swig of his beer as the game flooded his mind with memories of Sarah and it hurt. He was so sick of hurting. He walked over to Monica and pulled her in by the waist.

            “Hmm, should I try and be as quiet as a mouse this time?” Monica said leaning in to kiss him.

            “Nope, be as loud as you want,” Ethan said with a smirk but his eyes were dead.

…

Sarah was putting her clothes away and listening to NPR over her loudspeaker. The noise was confusing at first as the talk radio music segued into the next show. Sarah thought that’s where the sound was coming from, but the moaning got louder along with a loud thump; over and over again rattling her window. She wasn’t confused anymore. She knew exactly what that sound was and each vibration, each thump, delivered a blow to her chest. She thought her heart would explode it felt so broken. The rattling shifted and eventually slid the potted orchid on her window ledge off. The crash knocked her out of the grief haze as quiet tears ran down her face.  She stared at the broken pieces of the pot and the orchid’s stem that was almost snapped as the crushed petals bled. She didn’t bother picking it up instead she ran out of her room grabbed her keys and purse and left her apartment; almost unable to catch her breath.

She was walking; taking in block after block, trying to use the journey to distance herself from the hurt that Ethan continued to hurdle her way. She hadn’t realized it but she was actually walking to Jason’s house. He was a mess, a wreck, a drama queen, and a drunk, but he was her best friend and he was all she had. She didn’t know if he would be in jail or out on bond or if he’d even turned himself in but she did know that the one thing she could count on was that when they felt like crap they felt like crap together. She climbed the steps to his apartment and knocked on the door. It had all but pushed in; it hadn’t been repaired since Ethan kicked it in. She walked in realizing it was completely bare now not just spotty. Had he moved? She walked down the hall to his bedroom. His bed was there and his dresser. The bathroom door was closed so she knocked on it. There was always the chance he just wasn’t there. She opened it just to be sure calling his name again.

            “Ja-….NO!NO!NO!” Sarah screamed as she ran over to the tub.

His eyes were still open but they were opaque. The blackened welts around his bruised eye looked like they were sitting atop his face as the blood no longer ran through it. He appeared so stiff; unmoving. She slowly brought two shaky fingers up to his throat. She knew there would be no pulse but she desperately wanted there to be one as she tried in vain to find another pulse; another sign of life. She hovered her trembling fingers to his wrist. The blistered feeling of where his skin was slashed would not allow her to even entertain the idea of finding any beat of life within him. His skin was just cold; another harsh reminder of his absence. She let her hand get little lazy as they hit the tips of his icy blue fingers.

“No,” she whimpered, sitting back on her shins like a child.

She kept a hold of his fingers, just sitting there quiet and numb. Sarah’s eyes were trying to find meaning in the red-velvet abyss of that filled tub. His life held in that blood as it cruelly basked around his blue-grey body. Sarah rested her head against the side of the tub. She couldn’t rest her head on his shoulder anymore.

_“Promise me we’ll still hang out like this when you move to pathology?” he said looking over his shoulder as she walked him out._

_“Promise.”_

_..._

“Miss, please, we need to take him,” the EMT said softly.

“I promised him I’d always be there….,” Sarah said as the first tear fell.

The EMT’s all but had to pull Sarah up and off the floor as her body felt limp and stuck. Strangely enough it was Officer Jones that gave her a ride back to her apartment. The car ride was silent as Sarah walked into the building; she didn’t feel like it was home, it was just another place. Home was where love was and there was no love anywhere, no comfort, no warmth, and no safety. She couldn’t even go into her apartment. She walked to the door and began to put her key in as her heart rate picked up and her breathing became erratic. She dropped her keys turned around and slid down the door. She stared at the little crumbs and dirt specks on the floor as she tried to figure out a way to find comfort but there was none; there was no one. She pulled her phone from her jacket pocket and dialed the last number she thought she would ever try.

The phone rang and rang and rang and rang until the familiar sound of the voicemail started. Sarah had grown to hate that recording and it made her just as angry now as her nose curled up and her face twisted,

            “Mom…it’s me… p-please pick up,” she whimpered, “I need you…,” she sobbed into the phone before throwing it.

She put her head in-between her knees as she brought them to her face; her sobbing only muffled by the sound echoing between her legs.

Ethan walked Monica out as he was preparing to go for a run. She took the elevator but he chose the stairs; he didn’t really feel like having small talk, even with the woman he’d just slept with. Not even for a moment did the thumping in his ears stop until the faint sound came from around the corner of the staircase. He was going to put in his ear buds before going outside but then he saw her sitting, curled up, against her door sobbing. He was paralyzed because the thumping stopped and all he could do was focus on the quiet, and her; as her pain echoed off the wall.

            “Sarah,” he said disrupting the quiet that was in his mind.

She flinched for a moment looking up and over, her eyes pink. They stared at each other as their grief mirrored the other’s. He inched forward but she got up quickly; pushing her key into the door. The loud slam carried down the hall; it opened a door into his ears again, to the thump of the heartbeat.


	17. The Good Neighbor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan continues to go to group as his wounds heal; he is reinstated as Chief Resident. Meanwhile Sarah buries her best friend and her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *There is only one more chapter left to this story, I absolutely LOVED writing this and I’m still completely floored at how many hits it got and how many Reethan fans are actually out there!

 

Sarah got up long enough to call Dr. Shore to tell her that she wasn’t coming into work. She didn’t offer up much explanation, but word spread like wildfire through the building. The staff in the lab had to be the ones to process Jason and that was something Sarah could not be there for. She dug almost a groove into a spot on her couch; it was acting as a hug for her. She curled back up there to lie down. She wasn’t sleeping too well because every time she did Jason’s lifeless corpse was waiting behind her eyelids. So she just stared at the floor as quiet uncontrolled tears flowed down her cheek and soaked into the dough. She couldn’t do much else and that’s where she stayed all day and all night. Unmoving and unchanging. It felt secure; everything else in the world was happening and had happened without her permission. Staying in place felt like the only way to not hurt or be hurt.

_“If I stay here I don’t have to find out that my friend is dead, if I stay here and don’t go to my bedroom I don’t have to hear the man I love have sex with other women, if I stay here I don’t have to go to work and face the world.”_

….

By day three of calling into work she finally summoned the courage to get up and shower. The indent in her couch had a small stain of hardened tears. She didn’t think she could cry anymore. The numbness that brimmed within her permeated everything. She was walking in the same blurred shadow world that Ethan had entered. She still hadn’t eaten or slept very much but she decided that tomorrow was the time to go back to work. Jason wouldn’t be there anymore and maybe if she was lucky no one would ask her about it. Time passed as night crept through her windows and the indent in her sofa cradled her broken spirit.

…

Ethan was walking out of his third group meeting; he was finally sharing and the beating was subsiding. He saw Monica again but he just waved and quickly made his way to his jeep. He didn’t want to be propositioned for another quick hook-up. Seeing Sarah curled up in the hall had done something irreversible to him. He was still upset that she broke up with him, but as the ability to work through his emotions over the loss of his baby quelled his rage and heartbreak there, his feelings for her were still simmering. He didn’t want to hurt anymore and he didn’t want to hurt her anymore. No one was winning this game. That’s what he thought about when he returned home and stared at the large game board still dominating his coffee table. He needed to apologize for blowing up at her. He was pulling the board apart and stuffing the extra pieces in a large plastic bag when he heard a knock at the door. He got up and answered it but was shocked at his visitor.

            “Ms. Goodwin? Please come in,” he said opening the door.

Sharon walked in and looked around at his place and smiled with a quick shake of her head.

            “You men really do have the same sort of taste don’t you?” she commented with a smile.

Ethan was nervous. His two week suspension wasn’t even up yet but here was the hospitals administrator at his home. He felt like it could only mean bad news.

            “Can I offer you something to drink?” he asked.

Sharon shook her head, “I won’t take up too much of your time Dr. Choi. The hospital is extremely understaffed so I asked the board to reconsider your suspension and they have decided to go with my recommendation,” Sharon said with a stern smile.

His eyes widened and he smiled. Grateful was an understatement. He wondered what Jason had told the police. Ethan walked her to the door as he opened it to let her out before he said,

            “So Jason decided not to press charges?” he implored.

Sharon turned confused and then her eyes softened in sadness.

            “You don’t know….Dr. Wheeler committed suicide sometime between the accident and the next day, he was pretty elusive but that’s the time frame the police got from pathology,” she explained somberly.

Sharon walked off and left Ethan there as he felt relief and then guilt. He was so happy to be reinstated and to be where he felt the most useful; fulfilling his purpose of being a healer and not an injurer. But Jason was dead. His doxy’s best friend was gone and he had been really horrible to her.

….

The next morning Sarah didn’t bother to shower she put on a pair of jeans, comfy loafers, and a shirt that would pass as presentable under her lab coat. She stuffed her ear buds in and shuffled in the shadow world; cocooned around her, right to the bus stop. When she arrived to work she walked through the ED with her music still narrating her journey to the lab until she felt a tap on her shoulder; it was Ethan.

            “Hey,” he said stepping in front of her.

His eyes were gentle and remorseful but he was no one she wanted to speak to. She just stared at him as if he were a cardboard cutout of himself.

            “I heard about Jason-,” he started.

            “-You mean the man you thought was worthless,” Sarah said flatly looking through him.

She couldn’t come out of the shadows. Ethan took a deep breath in trying to reel in his guilt and her obvious anger. He’d been to the place she was at so he nodded and backed up to let her pass. Sarah slogged down to the lab as the fog and shadow enclosed around her. Work went by; time had no meaning anymore as she walked upstairs preparing to catch her bus, until Maggie stopped her.

            “Sarah,” she said gently.

Sarah turned and allowed some of the fog she felt to clear; to let Maggie in.

            “Jason’s dad was here to clear out his locker and I helped him,” Maggie started, “We stumbled upon this letter, it has your name on it.”

Maggie handed her the smooth white envelope. Sarah could barely hold it so Maggie pulled it from her hand and tucked it into her backpack. That bag had very few items in it but now it weighed thousands of pounds as Sarah carried the last artifact of Jason with her. She continued her journey with the music of Shostakovich’s number eight assisting the shadow and fog around her.

….

Ethan had the extender and the extra scrabble pieces that Sarah had bought completely packed up. She was the one that insisted on buying it so she could keep track of how badly she was “beating” him and it was the last of her possessions in his place. He wanted everything gone. He just wanted to move on and any of the reminders of the baby and Sarah had to go too. He carried them downstairs as he wondered if his timing was poor.

 _“It wouldn’t matter,”_ he thought to himself, _“She is going to be upset for a while and the longer this is drug out the worse it is for everyone,”_ he convinced himself.

 Sarah was shocked to see him, she didn’t want to answer the door but she saw him carrying something so she decided to open it.

            “Here, you paid for these so they’re yours,” he said, “Also, I think I left my phone case and the rest of my glass mug set here,” he said in a neutral tone.

Sarah took the plastic bag filled with random game letters and the extender. She walked into the kitchen and opened her junk drawer to grab the phone case he used for workouts and the two mugs that had found a home in her cabinet after he’d made her breakfast months earlier. Sarah wrapped them in some extra plastic bags under her kitchen sink. She was silent and her eyes would not meet his. Their grief was no longer mirrored as his shrank from group and hers grew from isolation and abandonment.

             “I’m sorry Sarah… about Jason,” he said sincerely.

Sarah scoffed and then rolled her eyes as she walked passed him to open the door to let him out.

             “You can be as sorry as you want to the dead, but it’s the living that you continue to hurt Ethan,” she answered flatly as she was shutting her door to him; but he used his hand to stop it.

              “No,” he said shaking his head furiously, “You do not get to make me the villain here,” he said with certainty.

              “You did a pretty good job of that when you slept with that woman right over my head,” she said; her face disgusted.

The fog was dissipating as fire grew in her; Ethan lighting the match.

              “You’re so selfish Sarah,” Ethan seethed as he turned to walk away; giving up.

              “What?”  Sarah answered; shocked but also enraged.

              “I asked you, I gave you the choice to leave, and you chose to stay until things got a little too real; then it was time to run!” Ethan yelled.

              “That is really simplistic Ethan,” Sarah scoffed.

              “Is it? How hard did things get in the ED before you were running to pathology-?”

              “-That’s not the same-,” Sarah answered shaking her head.

              “-Then oops I picked wrong because I didn’t give it a chance,” he said his eyes like steel but his tone condescending.

             “A baby is not the same as a career Ethan,” Sarah yelled back.

             “How about love?” He pleaded.

             “What?” She asked confused.

             “You waited until I fell in _love_ with you to tell me you didn’t want kids! Did you ever consider me when I asked you to stay?! That _I_ might have feelings too? That maybe just maybe I was asking to protect myself?” The steel was melting from his eyes, “No, I didn’t think so,” he said as he walked to the doorway but then he turned around.

            “You made me feel like an entire human being; not a shell. I could sleep again, I could laugh again without feeling guilty, and all I needed to know was if it was real…. and you told me _yes_ ,” he said his voice splintering at the end.

             “-Ethan….I-,” Sarah started, but he walked out of her apartment and slammed the door.

It would be another week before Sarah could deal with what he said to her. She knew it but neither of them had ever said those three words to other. It was the unspoken but the understood. She couldn’t let it take over her mind because most days she was staring at the letter Jason wrote. She still couldn’t read it. Deep down as upset and hurt as she was over Ethan’s behavior her real anger came from Jason. She knew the only way to get any kind of understanding was to read the letter but she just couldn’t; she was still too angry with him.

So it sat on her coffee table. She didn’t go to Jason’s service. She stayed home and then days later caught a bus and stood at the fresh gravesite. The stone had just been placed on his burial site. She stared at the swirls and flecks of black, grey, and white as they framed the etching in his name. It was so final; almost more than seeing him in that tub. She stepped away and made her way back to the bus stop.  The fog was still hissing around her but there was a hole in the cocoon. Ethan had punched through it with his explosive confession. She got home; climbed the stairs, and went to the indent in the couch. It was no longer as comfortable so she bravely got up and walked into her bedroom. She hadn’t laid there very long before the weight of Jason’s death and Ethan’s fornication over her head crashed upon her. She couldn’t stop the tears even if she wanted to.

….

It was Ethan confused by the sound rising through his floors to his ears. He heard her this time, sobbing almost uncontrollably, and he couldn’t take it anymore. He went downstairs. He used the key he still had for her apartment; the one he hadn’t returned. She was in her bed; curled up and unable to catch her breath; her black shift dress wrinkled against the down comforter as the cloudy bed made her look like a floating angel; a wounded one. She heard the door as Ethan walked in and stood in the frame; his hands in his pockets. She sat up not able to actually stop crying but her tears transitioned to angry ones seeing him. The shattered potted flower was still on the floor. Even considering how clean Sarah was she couldn’t bring herself to throw it away even as is sat broken, dried, and shriveled up on the ground. They stared at each other not unlike that day in the hallway. The flower wasn’t the only broken thing in the room. He came over slowly as she continued to stare at him, her eyes fighting between rage and sadness.

            “I hate you,” she sobbed as he moved closer to her.

He put his arms around her as she screamed it over and over again, her small fists pounding against the concrete of his chest. She didn’t see his tears as she finally collapsed into him. He held her there for what felt like an eternity as they slowly lay down in her bed; her head against the iris and amber fields again. His finger looped around a stray curl. Her breathing finally slowed as she cried herself to sleep in his arms.

When she awoke she had to question whether it was a dream or not because he was gone. There didn’t seem to be any trace of him. Until she got up; slowly walking around the dirt mound of her broken orchid. And there lying upon her coffee table was her apartment key.

….

As the weeks separated Ethan’s revelation and Jason’s death Sarah found the indent on the couch less inviting. Instead she sought comfort in the classics; The Velveteen Rabbit and Vivaldi, Tchaikovsky and chocolate, red wine and London Grammar, and finally cooking and cleaning. She didn’t know who or what she was cooking for but it helped her mind escape as she measured out the salt, the sugar, flour, baking soda, brown sugar, and the chocolate chips. She rolled the dough in wax paper and then put it in the fridge to harden. Sarah stood in her kitchen and looked around. The apartment was spotless and she couldn’t avoid it anymore. She grabbed a dust pan and broom and swept up the dried dirt and shattered vase pieces. The last was the orchid as she used the petals to mark the pages in The Velveteen Rabbit.

  _“Bake him some cookies and tell him I’m gay Sarah!”_

His voice was in her head as she pictured him on her couch eating Thai and laughing at her Ethan stories.

            _“Fix this Sarah!”_

So that’s what she did. After a few hours she heard Ethan’s feet over her head and threw the cookies in the oven to bake. The entire process was soothing and allowed her to ruminate on her thoughts of Ethan and what she needed to tell him and what he might’ve needed to hear from her. They cooled as she wrapped the plastic over her china plate and walked it upstairs.  She smiled at the plate. It was the same one in her hand when she heard him and Vicky and realized her curiosity was beyond a crush. She came to the door and didn’t hesitate to knock. Ethan answered fairly quickly even though it was obvious he was still settling in from wherever he had returned from.

            “Hi,” he said.

He looked calm, peaceful, and not intense for once. He looked down at the plate a little confused.

“The first time you kissed me I was actually supposed to bring you cookies to make nice... after you had a bit of a temper flare in the ED,” Sara admitted.

            “I told you, I was just doing my job,” Ethan said humorously with a smile.

            “Yeah,” Sarah scoffed with a smile, “Just like I didn’t call the police.”

He laughed as he opened the door to allow her in.

            “Thank you,” Ethan smiled as he took the plate from her.

Sarah turned and began walking to the door when she paused.

            “You were right Ethan,” Sarah said with a sigh, “I didn’t consider your feelings when I said yes; it was about me. I made the wrong decision in my career and I had just lost again with Danny and I felt like I didn’t have any control over anything, but choosing to be with you wasn’t a mistake...breaking up with you was.”

He nodded and she turned to leave. She headed back downstairs and got into some comfy clothes and settled into a documentary. It was late and soon she had passed out on her couch in the familiar way that she had done to avoid her room.


	18. Mending Fences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan’s confessed for the first time that he’s in love with Sarah but is she in love with him? Sarah makes a decision about her future.

Ethan didn’t sleep particularly too well that night, but not because of guilt, noise, or his PTSD, but because of Sarah’s confession. Her house key had been the last thing he’d had of hers and he left it on her coffee table; for sure of the end of their relationship. But now he wasn’t so certain. Their problems were still there. He knew one day he wanted to start a family and he knew that it wasn’t something she wanted. He stepped up to the challenge of fatherhood because he saw no other way, but he didn’t want children anytime soon. Ethan had been the one to tell her that she shouldn’t dissect their connection, she should just let it bloom, and if he was taking his own advice then that’s what he should do. After all he was in love with her but he had to wonder if she was too. Was it real for her like it had been for him? This thought would repeat within him.

….

The average desk paperweight measured just a little over a pound give or take. The letter on Sarah’s coffee table had to weigh at least a hundred pounds; maybe a ton. It had practically broken the legs on her coffee table as it sat untouched for the past few weeks. Well not really, but that was the weight it held on Sarah. She paced around it one day wondering if it was an explanation, _the_ note, directions to some place he stashed everything. Maybe it was money, or Katy Perry tickets knowing Wheeler and his sense of humor. Whatever it was or said it was more than its contents. It signified the last correspondence she would ever have with him. The tub, the grave; they would be nothing compared to reading his final words.

It was Thursday evening and she paced; back and forth around the behemoth on her coffee table. Finally she picked it up and ran her thumb underneath the flap. Her heart racing nervously, she pulled the letter out and opened the tri-folded paper.

            _Hey De-Lovely,_

_I should probably just cut the shit and get right to it huh? I’m so sorry. I really am. I tried. I really did. I wanted to be a doctor ever since I was just a little Wheel’ at home with my mom watching General Hospital. I wanted to make a difference and my very first day I did. I calmed a patient down and found a diagnosis for a serious illness. But as time went on that high wore off and reality kicked. I wasn’t helping as much and I started to question if I even could. Everything I’ve touched from the moment I started my residency has turned to dust. It’s no one’s fault; it’s just the last seed on my dandelion blew away when Kaitlin took her last breath. I started with her and it just seemed fitting to end with her._

_It wasn’t all bad.  I met you, and saw that the world could go on, just not for me._

_I meant what I said Sarah, you are beautiful, in every sense of the word and anyone that can’t see that is a fool. You will make all the difference in this world. You’re going to heal so many people. I’m only sorry I won’t be there to see it._

_J._

Sarah was happy that the letter wasn’t written in ink because her tears dotted the page. She smiled as she could hear his voice in her head. She could never do what Jason did but she understood that not everyone could or even wanted to carry the crushing weight of this life on their shoulders. She sat there a little numb and then she inhaled sharply and then exhaled. She got up and nestled the letter in between the pages of The Velveteen Rabbit and returned the book to the shelf.

….

Sarah got up the next day ready to finish her work week. It had been a hellish few weeks to say the least but normalcy was beginning to settle back in. The familiar routine of the bus ride with music to accompany her steps, none deep or dark but uplifting.

She was looking through a panel when she saw Jack’s name on the order. He was one of Wheeler’s “nuggets”. She never saw the kids that day she went up. She’d been stopped by Jason and his breakdown in the hall. So she decided to go up and visit them. She didn’t know any magic tricks but it was a way to honor Jason and she did wonder about their conditions too. She jumped on the elevator and rode up to the pediatric floor of the hospital. There was Jack; sitting at the edge of his bed. His short legs hanging off the side as he dangled his feet over. He looked better than the last time and so did Maddie.

            “Hi guys,” Sarah said as chipper as possible.

They both looked happy but just a little confused.

            “Where’s Wheeler?” Jack squeaked.

Sarah’s mask hid the quiver in her chin as she smiled hoping none of the hurt she felt reached her eyes.

            “Well, he’s not here anymore,” she answered still smiling.

            “Where did he go?” Maddie asked.

            “Um…he left with Kaitlin,” Sarah said surely.

These two may have been young but they understood exactly what she meant. She looked over their charts. Jack was going to be leaving soon and Maddie’s cancer was responding positively to the chemo. At least these little nuggets would make it. Sarah stayed and played a game of Go Fish with them before the same crabby nurse that plagued Wheeler asked her to leave so they could nap.

So Sarah returned to the mundane of the lab. She chose to use the stairs and walk through each floor of the hospital as to drag her feet to the dreaded basement. She was in the ED waxing on the past until she ran into Dr. Shore.

            “Sarah, where have you been? I need you to review a few samples and it’s time for your first solo autopsy,” she said sternly.

            “No,” Sarah answered with confused conviction.

            “Excuse me?” Dr. Shore answered puzzled and a little offended.

            “No…I’m sorry Dr. Shore, I don’t think I can do this,” Sarah said as the realization hit her.

            “Sarah, we were counting on you,” Dr. Shore answered defeated.

            “I know… and I’m sorry, but I can’t make a difference in the lab. I quit,” she said as she walked away and then out of Gaffney Medical Center.

She was on such strange new footing that she hadn’t noticed Maggie, Ethan, and Dr. Charles watching her; all grinning as she made the courageous step to leave. She walked home and thought about what an irrational decision it was to do what she did but life was too short to play it safe.

The next morning she awoke and looked for her ear buds as she was realizing that she was going into routine mode. But she didn’t have a job.

            _“Where are my ear-buds?”_ she thought.

They were at work and as liberating as the entire experience had been she left a locker full of her personal effects at the hospital. She would need to return to retrieve them. She pulled on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some sneakers and headed out to the hospital.

Clearing out her locker was like moving out of her apartment. It was exciting but terrifying. She was elated that she’d escaped a purposeless life of boredom but she was terrified as to how she would pay her bills and actually help people if she wasn’t working in medicine. These thoughts shuffled about in her mind taking precedence over the other; money, bills, career. Back and forth; endlessly looping and cascading imminent anxiety until she heard.

            “Hey kiddo.”

She stopped in her tracks as the worry paused to allow in the new visitor.

            “Dr. Charles, hi,” Sarah acknowledged respectfully.

She was about to return to the worry-room in her mind but Daniel was reading her face and her hurried eyes. He also looked down at the small bag of odds and ends things she was carrying.

            “Is that what’s left of your residency?” he asked with a sincere smile.

Sarah nodded as his words did nothing to soothe the panic looming in her chest.

            “Yeah…I quit pathology,” Sarah said as the words solidified the realness of the entire situation.

            “Well I knew you were no fool-,” he started.

            “-I have no _job_ ,” Sarah answered as the second blow of reality hit her brave decision.

            “It was smart to quit pathology…your talent was wasted down there,” he said.

            “My talent?” Sarah said almost laughing.

            “Oh yes, you may not have noticed but I’ve seen you; your affinity towards the patients. You’re good with them Sarah; especially that kid that came in,” he said encouragingly.

He was talking about Danny. Sarah hadn’t even realized that he’d observed her in the ED that day.

            “You saw that?” Sarah asked startled.

Daniel nodded before saying,

            “You know so much of psychiatry is about laying the framework; figuring out a way to talk to people, so we can build bridges to them; allowing them to trust us. So ultimately we can treat them. You did that for that kid almost instantly. You have a gift Sarah,” he said intensely.

            “I don’t know about that, some _gift_ that allows those closest to you to die,” she said sorrowfully.

            “Dr. Wheeler?” he asked.

Sarah nodded, “Maybe if I’d had more psychiatry training I would’ve seen the obvious signs…maybe he’d still be here,” Sarah said as some of that old fog enclosed her words; her face.

            “If you’re serious you can,” he said.

The fog dissipated as quickly as it was moving in when Sarah looked up.

            “Huh?” she implored.

            “I’m the Chief of Staff of Psychiatry at this hospital. I can hire or open any residency spots that I see fit. I would like to extend one to you…if you’re serious,” he said as he handed her his card and walked away.

Sarah stared at the card in her hand as the offer permanently hit the brakes on her creeping anxiety. Psychiatry, she’d never given it much thought and in a lot of ways it was more challenging than the ED. When she arrived home the letter Jason wrote her was open on the coffee table. The dried dots of her tears wrinkling small portions of the page, as she tried to flatten the document, her hands swiping over the verse;

            _You will make all the difference in this world. You’re going to heal so many people._

She’d quit pathology because she couldn’t impact any real change down there. Staring at the letter was the realization that she never wanted anyone else to have a letter; a goodbye like this. Never one to back down from a challenge she picked up the phone and dialed the number to Dr. Charles’ direct line.

            “When do we start?” she asked with a smile.

…

They would begin the following Monday after he’d processed her paperwork and human resources had given her new clearance for her position in the hospital. For the first time in a while Sarah felt calm and somewhat peaceful. Her wounds left from Jason were still there but pursuing psychiatry and visiting the “nuggets” a second time were helping her to heal. One thing hadn’t quite healed and that was her fear of being in her room or sleeping in her bed without her ear-buds in. She would fall asleep reading on her chaise and in different spots on her sofa but sleeping in her room was still too difficult. She missed Ethan and unbeknownst to her he missed her too.

…

On the nights that Ethan was finished with group he would get in his jeep and drive home; always avoiding Monica like the plague. Often he would lie down and open up his app; Words With Friends, on his phone. Her name was always greyed-out. She never played anymore and Ethan would worry about her; all alone in her apartment; no group, no best friend, no support, and now no job. He was proud of her for making that leap but it was the last time he’d seen her. They almost never saw each other coming in and out of their building and sometimes he wondered if she was still even staying there; she’d been so quiet. He never heard her anymore either. Sometimes he’d wake up in the middle night thinking he heard something; maybe her. His fingers would be sliding past the other and wrapping themselves around his sheets as he used to loop them around her curls at night. He missed her more than he realized, and his coolness towards her at the break of their relationship was besetting him.

One day after group he came home; changed, and went for a long jog. Her last words traveled through him. It was almost fate that he saw her when he was leaping up the stairs after his run. She heard him and turned with a quick smile.

            “I’m sorry…,” he blurted out.

Sarah looked confused.

            “For Monica…the woman...the noise,” he said embarrassed;stepping towards her.

            “Oh…you couldn’t have known about Jason and well… we broke up so…,” Sarah said regretfully with a shrug. 

            “Yeah but it was still a mistake,” he admitted.

            “I think as neighbors we should just try and make sure we’re considerate of the noise we make,” she said reassuringly as she began to walk towards her door.

It still hurt but she didn’t want to shame him anymore and she needed to move on until he said.

            “The mistake wasn’t the noise…it was the belief that I could be with anyone that could make me feel…the way you do,” he confessed.

She stopped as the key pushed into the door; looking up from it and over at Ethan. He looked sorry but also afraid. He still didn’t know; had it been real for her? Sarah nodded and went in. Ethan took off upstairs hoping he could rid himself of any other pent up feelings around her but his confession and hers had complicated the break-up. Neither of them was over the other.

When he got in from his run he showered and walked into his room. He opened the window to allow the Chicago spring in; he was hoping it would motivate the little bird to want to fly. Almost like kindred spirits when his was broke so was the birds’. It hadn’t been behaving the way it used to when it appeared to be on the mend.

            “It’s a beautiful day…Don’t you miss the air? The wind?” He asked as he narrowed his eyes in toward the bird.

The bird just stared at him with its dark beady little eyes; snapping up pieces of seeds from his hands. Ethan pulled it back to force the bird to come further.

            “C’mon, you can do it,” he said encouragingly, “Like this,” he said using his arms to flap up and down.

Some of the seeds escaped his fingers and the bird flew out to grab them. It was on the floor eating.

            “Close,” he remarked with a smile.

Ethan turned to look at the sunset; at the warmth of fire and ember exploding through his bedroom. He flinched when he realized the bird had perched itself on his shoulder.

            “That kind of freedom…to be able to just soar…you’re missing out buddy,” he said mournfully at the beauty of the sunset.

Just then the bird pressed its claws against his shoulder and pushed forward; flying out the window. Ethan’s face lit up as he watched it glide through the sky becoming smaller and smaller until it was no longer visible. Ethan hadn’t even given the bird a name. To do so was to own it and he never wanted to own it; only to help it transition.

He thought about that while he made himself dinner; naming things. He didn’t give his child a name, he didn’t even know the sex of the baby. He never really gave a name to what he was with Sarah either and even though he’d told her that he’d fallen in love with her she hadn’t given any name to what she felt for him. It was still locked into the question of how she actually felt. Was it just a crush, a lustful conquest, a fantasy to bed the older man; her superior? Or had she fallen in love with him too. Deep down he believed she had but her inability at weathering the storm with him had caused him to second-guess it.

….

Sarah usually came home; showered off the day or threw on some comfy attire and made dinner. She listened to the news or classical music and read up on psychiatry journals to help her in her new residency. When she tired of that she would lie against the chaise and think about Jason. The conversations they would be having right now; the laughter he could always get out of her even when he saved none for himself. She thought to the beginning of their friendship as she pulled her phone out. She opened Words With Friends, she stared at the greyed out name. It would never highlight again. Just then a messaged pinged.

            **“Up for a game?”** he asked.

It was SawBoat312; Ethan. Sarah had to smile at the strange coincidence so she answered back.

            **“Sure…you must miss getting beat,”** she teased.

            **“We’ll see,”** he snarked back.

Their game like usual was close with high scoring words; intricate and complex, but just when Sarah thought her last word was the game ender Ethan used a familiar one to beat her. It was the same word she saw on his scrabble table months prior.

 **“Hold on…did the study get rushed?”** Sarah implored.

 **“?”** he sent back.

 **“Did you talk to Hasbro??!!** Sarah wrote.

 **“Maybe,”** he answered coyly ** _._**

 **“Lol,”** she wrote laughing.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door as Sarah shook her head at her defeat. She stood up to get it without looking through the peephole; she opened it. It was Ethan.

             “Julie from customer service was extremely helpful,” he joked.

Sarah laughed and then looked down; he was carrying her china plate.

            “I saved one for you and me,” he said with a smile.

            “Come in,” Sarah said with a smile to match.

Ethan handed her the plate and she pressed her finger against one of the cookies.

            “Ooh they’re still soft…although they taste the best warm,” she said certainty.

She put the plate in the microwave to resurrect them to their former oven’s glory. She poured two glasses of milk but Ethan declined and had a glass of water instead.

She brought the plate over to him with the warmed up treats, grabbing one and taking a quick bite. Ethan looked at her and smiled trying to contain his giggle, but ultimately failing, and laughing at her.       

            “What,” she said with a playful smile as she narrowed her eyes at him.

            “You got a little something,” he said using his finger to motion the area around his chin and lips.

She pressed her lips together trying to wipe at it looking at him to see if she got it. He shook his head with a smile and walked over.

            “May I?” he said.

She nodded a little embarrassed. He looked down using his thumb to wipe away the chocolate drizzle draped on her chin. His thumb drew a smudge under the outline of her bottom lip as he kept it there far longer than needed. He still had a hold of her chin. Sarah was looking at his eyes; traveling through the deep dark caverns of every emotion and thought held there. She was pulled in and now lost again as he stared at her mouth. She skimmed her hand up and then wrapped it around his wrist. He pulled her chin in closer and kissed her. It was soft and supple as he raised his other hand to the side of her face. He could taste the sweetness of chocolate and vanilla and then the faintest bitterness of the confections truth. Her hands were under his shirt exploring the hard grooves of his chest to find those familiar scars; his humanity. His shirt was the first to come off as she walked them backward to her bedroom. Then hers hit the ground and they fell against her bed.

It should've been his hands in her hair as his fingers massaged her scalp and lightly frolicked in the playground of her curls.

It should’ve been the way his thumbs circled her cheeks after each deep kiss.

It should’ve been the way he stared at her chest; her skin, after he removed her bra.

But ultimately it was when he stared at her. When they locked eyes, eye contact; it had always been a huge deal to Ethan during sex. He liked the dominance he had with Sarah; when he flirted with her, and even more so when he was inside of her. Her inability to hide the out of control feelings she had during those moments. But not this time; the dominance wasn’t there. He was open, bare, and lost in her eyes; trying to find some kind of absolution or the answer between her thighs; some kind of truth.

             “Is this real?” He asked as his fingers pulled her sheets into his grip.

 Ethan’s voice was arduous and teetering off a cliff. Each drive into her was more intense than the last with his breath like creaky floor boards and his posture atop her almost rigid and stiff; a human damn barricading something much bigger and all he wanted to do was set it down even if it was for the quickest second.  Sarah was confused at first; his eyes pleading with her.

              “Ple-ase; is it?” he begged.

It was clear he was close as Sarah pulled herself from the spell of his embrace to focus on his words. She knew the answer he needed to hear. They were still connected, locked in eye contact, as she placed her hands around his face enclosing it and pulling it in; bypassing his lips for a kiss, they found their destination at his ear. She whispered;

               “It’s real Ethan.”

The deep groan from within him rumbled his chest against hers as he finally found his absolution; his relief passing to her with each gush of his release. Atlas had set the world down. He held that position for a split second, staring into her eyes as a smile graced his face. Finally he relaxed upon her. He rolled over and they both laid there in her bed as the silence filled the room but not internally at least not for Sarah. There was one more ghost still haunting them.

               “He’d given the majority of his clothes and furniture to charity,” Sarah started breaking the silence, “He’d been spending large amounts of money; emptying his accounts, he had loud, glaring signs he was suicidal and I missed it,” Sarah said stoically.

              “Sarah, listen to me,” Ethan said turning to his side to face her, “Sometimes no matter how hard we try, even when we do everything right, innocent people still get hurt and that helplessness and those repetitive thoughts will eat you up,” he stated.

             “He wrote me a letter,” Sarah said.

She leaned over and handed it to Ethan. She never thought she would ever share it with anyone but in this moment they had chosen truth over games and petty emotions and Sarah wanted Ethan to also know he wasn’t at fault. He looked through the letter; a small half-smile coming to his face near the end.

             “He’s right, you make people see themselves in a whole new way…I like the person I am in your eyes,” he stated as he ran his thumb across the bottom of her lip.

              "It’s weird how we don’t know something feels whole until it’s broken,” she said.

              “Yeah,” he said with a bittersweet smile.

              “You make me feel whole Ethan,” Sarah admitted as his thumb still meandered under her bottom lip.

He leaned over and kissed her and for the first time Sarah wasn’t the only caught under his spell because he was caught under hers. He could’ve drowned there and welcomed the water to his lungs as he held her chin close. They were saturated in honesty; in love, until a sharp noise broke up their dream-like state. If either of them had learned anything it was that whenever a knock came at the door in the middle of these moments they shared the news was almost never positive. They both stared at each other with this realization. Skipping over any curiosity as to who was at the door; neither wanted to move to get it but the pounding got louder.

            “Shit,” they both said in unison as their feet hit the floor.

Sarah got up and grabbed her robe quickly tying a knot around her waist. She peered through the peephole; stepping back, she looked around even more confused.

            _“I must be dreaming,”_ she thought.

Ethan had put his pants on and walked up next to her as she twisted the knob and opened the door to make sure it wasn’t a dream and sure enough it wasn’t.

            “Mom?!” Sarah said astonished.

            “Hello Sarah,” she answered.


End file.
